Divorce rates are higher for second marriages than for first marriages.  Isn’t that bone chilling?  It’s almost as if the first one wasn’t pain-filled enough; you now require more pain.  Wouldn’t you like to never experience that kind of pain again?  Here are some tips to help you.
The first tip is:  be brutally honest about the questions that follow.  Hint: if you are blaming your ex, you are not being brutally honest.  It takes two to tango.  You played a role in that divorce. What was your role?
Why did you get married in the first place?  Were you too  young? Did you marry for wrong reasons? Were you looking for someone to take care of you financially?  Do you have co-dependent behavior and you rescued someone who was struggling?  Did you get pregnant before marriage?  Did your parents pressure you into a marriage?  Look carefully at the brutally honest reasons you got married in the first place and see if there’s something you did that can now be changed.  You might need the help of a counselor to make those changes.
Did the communication between you and your ex fall from loving dialogue to harsh criticism or sarcasm?  How did that happen?  If the communication coming from your ex was hurtful, did you swallow that hurt without discussing it with him only to find it coming out of your own mouth?  If your communicating isn’t harmonious, this is a big clue that the marriage is going downhill fast.  Don’t retreat behind a wall of silence.  The only way I know to fix this is to improve your sense of self:  join Toastmasters and become a better speaker.  Get into therapy and learn more about your strengths and weaknesses and how to talk about them. 
My virtual assistant told me that in her early life, her extreme sensitivity to parental fighting put her into a state of speechless shock.  It’s not surprising to know that the very same thing carried forward into her first marriage.  She couldn’t believe that such evil words and angry gestures were coming at her.  I think that an individual’s intrinsic goodness and the fact that he or she wouldn’t consider using this abusive behavior towards any other is what makes them somewhat vulnerable to it.  If you go into shock, please find help via a pastor or a counselor to help you past this stuck spot so that you don’t carry it into another unhappy marriage/divorce situation.
Do you carry a grudge or a long list of “he done me wrongs?”  If you do this, it will be on your mind constantly and by thinking about it, you will recreate it over and over.  You might not be aware that you are doing this.  Watch the way you are thinking and see if you hold a grudge against your ex for his errors.  If you do, look up “how to forgive” on the internet and then get busy doing that work.

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Len :: Oct.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

Single – Parenting can be such a challenge.  Here you are, all alone, doing the work of both parents during the time you’ve got the kids.  It’s not easy.  Your ex looks like she’s got the life.

You’ve got the kids full time during the week, and she only has them for the weekend.  She has no homework to help them with each night.  No laundry to wash on the weekend.  Oh and now, she’s got a new boyfriend!  Sweet.  Wish you knew more about him so you could feed those flames burning emotionally inside you?
So, who do you think is the best one to find out this information?  Your kids. NOT NOT NOT!!!

Could you tell I’m really against the idea of using your children to ferret out information that you want about their other parents?
It is a terrible thing to do to your children when you ask them to spy for you on their other parent.  You might couch your questions innocently enough, but they can feel in their hearts that you are prying. If they go to mommy and ask your questions, then she gets mad at them.  And if they don’t have answers to your questions when they come home, then you get mad at them.
Stop a minute here and let’s assume an attitude of maturity.  Who wants to know?  You do.

So who should do the asking?  You should.  It’s just not a good idea to put your kids into this

horrible position of carrying information back for you. It hurts them emotionally and you don’t want to do that, do you?
When you put your child in the middle of something that makes them very uncomfortable, it begins to build up an unloving sense inside them against you. This unloving sense makes them think that by being in the middle that they had something to do with your divorce, and they didn’t.  They should not be burdened with solving your problems. They should not be made into an intermediary or a detective. And carrying information back and forth makes them feel disloyal to one or both parents.  It’s an ugly, emotional stew you’re cooking up for your children.
You might consider that you really don’t need to know so much about your ex’s new life.  If the information only serves to keep the flames burning inside you, why feed that fire?  Try telling yourself “I don’t need to know that.”  See if you can live with that. Or if you absolutely must know, exercise the courage inside you that is just waiting to be used.  Ask your ex yourself.

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Len :: Oct.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

Divorce has held the biggest challenges for me of anything I ever faced.  It’s also one of the areas in which I’m most proud of my accomplishments courtesy of those challenges. I know that single mothers, in particular, struggle with the finances after a divorce, so I’m providing a ton of tips to help you stay on top of this important aspect of life after divorce.
Benchmark Where Your Credit is Right now.
First, make a list of all paperwork that includes all credit cards, all assets, and the contact information for your credit card companies. Secondly, communicate with the credit card companies about your divorce. If the accounts are joint, it’s wise to convert them to individual accounts so that only you have access to them and are responsible for what is spent on them and when the payments get made.  If you cannot convert them, close the joint accounts.
Get A Current Credit Report
The three major credit-reporting agencies, Equifax, TransUnion and Experian, are each required by law to provide consumers, upon request, a free copy of their credit report once every 12 months. You can get your free copy online from www.AnnualCreditReport.com or by calling (877) 322-8228.
Also under same law as above is the following information about you that is available: Your Medical Information: Medical Information Bureau. Your Renter’s History: First Advantage SafeRent. Your Check Writing History: ChexSystems
 
Create a Moving Forward Plan
You might be lucky enough to have no credit problems.  If you’re not that lucky, it’s important to understand that clearing up your credit is wise, so let’s begin today. All it takes is common sense, communicating with the companies you owe money to, and persevering.
If the current monthly payments are impossible for you, call each company and work toward a better agreement.  Be sure to keep your agreement.  Pay all your bills on time and if you can’t, be sure to call and tell them why so it doesn’t go on your credit report.  This is true of credit card companies, your student loans,  your car loan, your mortgage, etc.
Don’t apply for more credit cards until you have a handle on the ones you have.
Good luck and good persevering.

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Len :: Sep.23.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

When divorce drives it’s nasty fangs into your life, reasonable agreements isn’t a topic that sits very easily on your lap.  Your own emotions are generally boiling, and it’s more likely that revenge would be more on the forefront than reasonable agreements.
But you are growing into maturity with the help of your divorce, and you now have children to put into the first spot where you used to live, so let’s do think about reasonable visitation agreements.
The majority of parents love their children equally. And your children blossom under the spell of the love of each of  you, so let’s consider some ideas about visitation rights after divorcing.
Father’s Rights are a big bone of contention during a divorce.  You should both sit down and make a list of the rights of the parent who has custody and the parent who does not have custody.  You both do have rights.  Use the internet to see what others have said about this topic.  Consider: how much time each parent should have; don’t over-schedule activities in your visitation period; should the grandparents be considered; how?; creating a child friendly home; summer vacations; how holidays will be handled.  Topics like these deserve your attention and it’s wiser to do it before the time arrives than on the fly.
There is not just one way to establish visitation agreements.  There is your way for you. There is the court’s intervention when necessary.  There are different rules in different states.  The best way is to arrive at a decision between the divorcing parents.  If that is not possible, it can be arrived at through each parent’s attorney.  Keep in mind that the children’s welfare is the ruling decision maker here.
If a parent isn’t living up to the visitation agreement, the court can be a help in enforcement.  Don’t allow the frustration over one parent’s non-compliance to infect the children.  Go to the court for help before that happens.
There are three main topics to be considered: the Schedule, how to make the Exhange, Communication for issues that arise.
Modifications to the Visitation Agreement can be made at any time to reflect the children’s best interests, and both parents should be flexible about this.  In fact, this issue of visitation agreements is contentious and on-going, so  your flexibility will be tested. It might be the only tool left to maintain control over an out-of-control divorce. Your visitation agreement can prevent years of stress and of good benefit for your children.

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Len :: Sep.23.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

When you go through the painful divorce experience, sometimes revenge runs rampant inside your mind, doesn’t it?  You certainly don’t like what’s happened to you.  You want to blame someone because certainly you are faultless and blame free.  You wouldn’t mind it too awfully if someone else hurt as much as you do.  You frequently turn this type of thinking toward your ex, whom you think of as the ogre.  
The bottom line is that is really does take two to tango. Regardless of who is to blame for the divorce, you are one of that partnership and you’re in this specific experience for your own good. I’m going to share with you a few ideas about how to glean that good from all the goop.
Lots of our spiritual leaders have told us to forgive and forget.  Sounds great, but how do we do this with all those raging emotions caroming around inside of us?  Through choice, deliberateness, putting our children first on the list, and being introspective.
Choice.  You always have a choice in your life.  You can live it awash with emotion, or you can choose something different.  You can choose to take a deep breath.  You can share with your children that you are getting in control of your emotions.  Don’t forget:  you are their role model.  You can have a few moments of silence to recover your equilibrium, and then you can choose to deliberately be calm at that very moment.
Deliberateness.  Is it possible your ex will do things deliberately to stir you up?  It’s possible.  Can you do anything about their actions?  You can not.  You can only control yours, so why not decide today precisely what you will think the next time he/she tried to bait you.  How about this:  I am centered in my own truth and the lies that come at me fall away harmless without my emotional reaction.  Or create one of your own.  “I know you are but what am I?” won’t work, so you’ll have to dig deep and come up with something that will work for you.
Put Your Children First on the List.  You want to set an exemplary example for your children.  If your emotions are not in control, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you gossip about your ex in front of them, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you keep an undisciplined environment, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you are unforgiving and you refuse to forget what’s happened in the past, that’s what you are teaching them.  
Forgiveness can be easy.  You simply say the words “I forgive you.”  You follow those words with a good reason for why you forgive them.  “You must be in a world of hurt yourself to say something so hurtful to me.  You must be ignorant of how hurtful those words are to me.  You must be awash in emotions yourself to lash out so.”  You are forgiving and you are giving a reasonable excuse for his behavior to yourself so that you can let go of it.  Drop it and move on with your life.  Forgiveness is for giving yourself your own next best thing.  What a wonderful  thing to teach to your children.
Forgetting can be just as easy.  In order to forget, you have to put something else in the place of the thing you want to forget.  If I tell you “Don’t think about purple elephants” you will only remember purple elephants unless you can replace that with another idea – how about green alligators?  For getting your next great idea in place of the emotionally-burdened one, just put another good idea in it’s place.  And then put a guard at the door to your thinking with orders not to let in any purple elephants!  You can ease your children into their maturity with these techniques.  
Become Introspective.  Going within for a few moments when you’ve got some quiet time can be so beneficial for both you and your children.  I came to cherish that last hour of the day when I was alone with my coffee, a book, the TV or just with my journal.  It’s a great way to  sort through the elements of the day, give yourself some distance emotionally from them so that you can decide specifically how you want to handle it the next time.  This could be a great time to read a few paragraphs from an inspirational book and think about how they apply to you.  Just a few moments can grace you with much needed objectivity during your parenting years.
You could continue to seek for revenge, to blame your ex, to nurse your hurt behind drugs or alcohol, or, you could admit that you also played a role; that it does take two to tango.  You can get honest and prevent a second divorce through the exercise of forgiveness.  It’s good for your kids if you do.
 

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Len :: Sep.15.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »