Blame.  We all do it.  We blame others for things that they deserve to be blamed for and things that they probably don’t deserve.  Placing blame seems to be a technique that we learn very early on.  When you think of children even as young as two or three years old, you can hear them saying, “She did it.  It wasn’t me!”  Taking responsibility for our own actions and short comings is one of the hardest life lessons  to accept.

Looking directly at ourselves in the mirror can be difficult to say the least.  It’s much easier to point the finger somewhere else.  If you are going through a divorce, I am just going to be frank with you.  You were part of the problem.  You may be saying, “Well he cheated; not me.” Or, “She yelled all the time; I didn’t.”  It makes us feel better to divert the attention of the problem elsewhere.  The thing is, by blaming your ex alone, you may be bandaging the real problem for a short time; but eventually, that bandage is going to get yanked off and the pain will get worse.  The good news is that by accepting your own fault and focusing on what part you played, you just may learn how to avoid this situation in the future.

Let’s look at an example.  Mike cheated on Julie and he has been cheating for a long time.  Right there, you are probably saying, “Mike’s  a jerk,” and you  would be right, because adultery is never excusable in a marriage, but we aren’t going to focus on Mike. It’s obvious that cheating is wrong.  It stands out.  It’s easy to blame Mike, and maybe Julie didn’t really do anything wrong.  What if there was something that she could have done different?  What if she missed the clues all together from ten years ago when she married Mike? Mike was selfish.  Julie inherently knew it early on in the relationship, but thought she could change him.  Mistake.  Julie would never be able to change Mike.  So here is an example of Julie’s role in her current situation.  She wanted to be married so badly, that she refused to look at herself and say, “He isn’t right for me.” 

The examples could go on and on, but the key factor that remains the same is you.  It won’t matter who you are married to if you aren’t honest with yourself.  Can you really take a look at yourself and see your own shortcomings.  Can you say to yourself, “You know what, all I do is nag.  All I cared about was getting my way and being right.”  Now is nagging a huge problem?  Is it a deal breaker in a marriage?  Who knows?

I don’t believe that only one type of behavior breaks up a marriage.  It is a series of negativities: cheating, lying, finding fault, nagging, deception, blame, falling out of love. Whatever the supposed reason for the divorce, it’s never simple.  Don’t worry any more that Mike cheated on Julie.  Yes, Mike was wrong, but what responsibility did Julie have that contributed to the divorce?  What did you do that brought on your divorce?  What can you do better next time?  We all have room for improvement.  If you’ll work to make your improvements, your children’s lives will benefit, and that is the most important thing. You don’t get a do-over with them.

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Len :: Jun.26.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

Being a divorced parent initially can be extremely frightning.  Mentally and emotionally you are drained.   The person who stood at the alter and vowed to be with you until they died cut things a little short.  Now your head is flooded with a million questions.  How am I going to take care of these kids?  Will I have a social life ever again?  Will my parents be disappointed in me?  Will I have to listen to my sister  say “I told you he was a loser?”  Will the kids have abandonment issues?  It goes on and on.

When you are thinking like the scenario above, you are 100% motivated by fear.  When you can come to grips with the fact that fear will do nothing but motivate you to make poor choices, you can succeed.  Fear is an incredibly strong motivator.  No doubt about it.  Fear can be anesthetized, though, and I’d like to tell you how.

Fear is destroyed through choice.  You can choose to consciously tell yourself “No.  That’s fear talking. What do I really want to permit to filter through my mind?”  And then you choose the flip side which is Love.

If you were ever religious in your life, at some point you probably heard the words of St. Paul about love – that love is patient, kind, doesn’t envy, doesn’t brag, isn’t proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

What is the most practical form in which love can be used by you?  It’s acceptance.  And the main way that acceptance is put into play is the acceptance of each person’s individuality, including your own.  Accept the way you are.  Accept the way your kids are.  Accept the way your ex is.  It’s the most practical way you can love each of them and keep fear at arm’s length.  

Does this mean mushy gushiness?  Nope.  It means a calm, rational state of consideration where you simply be what you are and allow them to be that too.  When you remove fear from the soup, it becomes so much easier to swallow.
Does this mean that you now accept the way each of us is and none of us will ever have to lift a finger again to improve?  Nope.  It means that when the foundation of acceptance (love) is there, no negativity will anchor us to this current state and we can move naturally and gracefully into whatever we create next for our life.

To be successful at this as a divorced parent, begin by recognizing fear’s hot breath inside you.  If you’re feeling overwhelmed, calm it down by saying “No! I choose love.” Move into self-acceptance and then other-acceptance.  You’ll be a wonderful parent to your children – they’ll be well taken care of and you will have minimized their abandonment issues. And more importantly, you’ll have headed off that growing statistic for second divorces.

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Len :: May.31.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

There are many reasons that people get divorced.  It could be there is abuse, lying, they “fell out of love” or my favorite, adultery.  If you are reading this then you probably have been cheated on.  It may be the main cause of the break up of your marriage or it may not be, but it is one of the most horrible feelings in the world, right?  

No matter what your role in the divorce, cheating is never okay.  Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

If your spouse was caught cheating, chances are he was defensive about it.  You may have received an apology, but I’m sure they had a “good reason”  why they cheated.  You were to blame right?

This is where it would be healthy for you to do some reflecting.  Were there signs of infidelity that I over looked?  Did I choose to ignore it? There are a million questions that you could ask yourself, but the main one that you should ask yourself is what kind of person did I marry?  Probably a selfish person that you thought you could change.  That is always a mistake. 

You can’t change someone.  It doesn’t matter how hard you try.  If someone is inherently selfish, they probably always will be.  Make this a huge learning lesson in your life.  If you don’t like the person you see 100% as is, then move on, because that is who they are and who they will be! Period!

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Len :: May.14.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

In many of these articles I talk about the importance of having time to focus on yourself.  If you are going through a divorce or are recently divorced you will need to rely on friends and family more than you probably ever have before.  Having time to yourself can be pretty tricky when you have kids.  I have some pointers on simple ways to accomplish this very needed relaxation.

Tips on Making Life a Little Easier

1. Lean on your parents. (if possible)   You may be saying that it isn’t their problem, or maybe you have had tension with them since the divorce.  Whatever the case may be they are your parents just the same.  They should be helping you through this tough time in your life.  It isn’t that much to ask to have them baby sit for you a couple times a month so you can catch a breather. 
2. Lean on your ex in-laws.  Yep, you heard me right.  Every situation is different, and they could possibly hate your guts, but your kids are still their grandkids.  My advice it to use their help when you need to do every day tasks that would be easier minus the kids like grocery shopping or talking with your attorney.  Just be straight to the point.  Tell them you need some help.
3.  Lean on a good friend:  Everyone has someone that they can confide in.  Who is that person that always has your best interest at heart?  Who do you know that really cares for your kids?  Talk to them.  Ask them for some help with what you have to do now without your husband or wife that you had before.

Finally, just take some time to put a plan in action.  We all feel better when we have something to look forward to.  If you can sit down with some of these important people and make up some sort of schedule, you and your kids will benefit greatly!

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Len :: May.13.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

It can be quite difficult after a divorce to feel like you are a “good role model”.  You are at a point where you are feeling like you have experienced some sort of failure.  It’s completely understandable, but untrue! 

Here’s my advice on how to be a good role model:

• When people believe that you should stay married “for the kids” sometimes that is exactly the opposite of what you are achieving.  Getting a divorce may ultimately be the best thing for your children in your individual circumstance. 
• If you were in an abusive relationship of any kind, be it physical or emotional, you are presenting a good example for your children to take a step in the right direction to fix a very hard problem.  Leaving a poor marriage takes a lot of courage. 
• For a marriage to end there are obviously reasons.  In your case, good ones, or else you wouldn’t have found this blog.  It doesn’t matter what anyone says about your divorce, it matters that you know in your heart that you made the best decision possible, with the information that you had available to you.

Kids learn that life is filled with happiness as well as disappointment.  Nothing you do can completely protect them from that.  I know in my heart if I would have stayed married to my ex wife, my children would not be who they are today.  I know that’s hard to think about right now, but trust in you.

Being a good role model is more that being a “married” parent.  Life happens and we can’t always plan everything.  So your marriage didn’t work out.  So what?  What you do from this point on is what matters.  Be the person you want your kids to become.

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Len :: Apr.21.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, General :: No Comments »