You don’t have to be wealthy to give your children an extremely valuable gift. That gift is to be fully present when you are with them. This gift will provide a stable basis for their childhood from which they can become the adult you are dreaming, wishing and hoping they will become.

To provide this gift for my daughters in what was the biggest opportunity of my lifetime to exercise strength of character, I saw very quickly that the first step in being an effective parent for them was to get my head right. I worked hard to put myself in a place where I was free from the pain of divorce, and free from a connection to my ex so that I could be fully present for my kids, because this gift is what ultimately gave them stability and a place to feel safe.

In order to get free from the pain of divorce, I did a lot of introspective work with a therapist. I knew that I could not come from a place of blaming and call myself healthy. Since I am a long way past those early days, I now can say that in truth, blaming is a sign of vulnerability. In those days, my ex could hurt me.

Divorce is like Tangoing – it takes two to tango.

I did a lot of work to look on at my side of the equation, not just hers. I believe that it pays a major compliment to your ex to acknowledge that in their own time and in their own way, they will handle all of their life challenges and it doesn’t matter how long it takes them. It only matters how long it takes you. It’s important to quit blaming them so that you can handle all of your life challenges. When you understand how to quit blaming, you give that as a gift to your children. Your ex isn’t the only one who did things wrong sometimes!

The kids are the important part in a divorce. 

They are the most susceptible to negative input. They haven’t developed the tools yet not to get hurt when their mom and dad argue, for example, so getting your head on straight is a critical buffering for them, a safe harbor where they won’t have to handle unnecessary emotional trauma.

To be sure that your children receive your full attention and presence, consider the following:

1. Decide here and now that you will give them your full attention.

2. Decide here and now that whenever they speak to you, you will stop whatever you are doing and give them your attention.

3. Set up boundaries for them around tasks where you need your full attention and they cannot interrupt you; e.g. important phone calls.

4. Decide here and now that even if you are in to watching a program on TV, reading a book, talking with a friend, unless you have asked not to be interrupted, you will set aside your own wishes and give them your attention.

5. Decide here and now that your children won’t have to repeat themselves unnecessarily to get your attention. You will give it freely because you are aware they are speaking to you.

It is easy to get lost in our own tasks and become oblivious to the fact that our children are talking to us. An effective attention-getting tool is touch. Touch your children when you are speaking to them and want their full attention. Teach them to touch you when they want your full attention.

I’m not saying that you won’t drift off track occasionally, get lost in your own thoughts and not hear your kids. I’m saying to get back on track and resolve to be more aware. Your kids deserve your attention. Being fully present emotionally and mentally for them is a grand gift and it will result in a stable childhood and stable adulthood.

Len :: Mar.25.2008 :: Caring for your Children ::

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