Being a divorced parent initially can be extremely frightning.  Mentally and emotionally you are drained.   The person who stood at the alter and vowed to be with you until they died cut things a little short.  Now your head is flooded with a million questions.  How am I going to take care of these kids?  Will I have a social life ever again?  Will my parents be disappointed in me?  Will I have to listen to my sister  say “I told you he was a loser?”  Will the kids have abandonment issues?  It goes on and on.

When you are thinking like the scenario above, you are 100% motivated by fear.  When you can come to grips with the fact that fear will do nothing but motivate you to make poor choices, you can succeed.  Fear is an incredibly strong motivator.  No doubt about it.  Fear can be anesthetized, though, and I’d like to tell you how.

Fear is destroyed through choice.  You can choose to consciously tell yourself “No.  That’s fear talking. What do I really want to permit to filter through my mind?”  And then you choose the flip side which is Love.

If you were ever religious in your life, at some point you probably heard the words of St. Paul about love – that love is patient, kind, doesn’t envy, doesn’t brag, isn’t proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

What is the most practical form in which love can be used by you?  It’s acceptance.  And the main way that acceptance is put into play is the acceptance of each person’s individuality, including your own.  Accept the way you are.  Accept the way your kids are.  Accept the way your ex is.  It’s the most practical way you can love each of them and keep fear at arm’s length.  

Does this mean mushy gushiness?  Nope.  It means a calm, rational state of consideration where you simply be what you are and allow them to be that too.  When you remove fear from the soup, it becomes so much easier to swallow.
Does this mean that you now accept the way each of us is and none of us will ever have to lift a finger again to improve?  Nope.  It means that when the foundation of acceptance (love) is there, no negativity will anchor us to this current state and we can move naturally and gracefully into whatever we create next for our life.

To be successful at this as a divorced parent, begin by recognizing fear’s hot breath inside you.  If you’re feeling overwhelmed, calm it down by saying “No! I choose love.” Move into self-acceptance and then other-acceptance.  You’ll be a wonderful parent to your children – they’ll be well taken care of and you will have minimized their abandonment issues. And more importantly, you’ll have headed off that growing statistic for second divorces.

Len :: May.31.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children ::

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