Single – Parenting can be such a challenge.  Here you are, all alone, doing the work of both parents during the time you’ve got the kids.  It’s not easy.  Your ex looks like she’s got the life.

You’ve got the kids full time during the week, and she only has them for the weekend.  She has no homework to help them with each night.  No laundry to wash on the weekend.  Oh and now, she’s got a new boyfriend!  Sweet.  Wish you knew more about him so you could feed those flames burning emotionally inside you?
So, who do you think is the best one to find out this information?  Your kids. NOT NOT NOT!!!

Could you tell I’m really against the idea of using your children to ferret out information that you want about their other parents?
It is a terrible thing to do to your children when you ask them to spy for you on their other parent.  You might couch your questions innocently enough, but they can feel in their hearts that you are prying. If they go to mommy and ask your questions, then she gets mad at them.  And if they don’t have answers to your questions when they come home, then you get mad at them.
Stop a minute here and let’s assume an attitude of maturity.  Who wants to know?  You do.

So who should do the asking?  You should.  It’s just not a good idea to put your kids into this

horrible position of carrying information back for you. It hurts them emotionally and you don’t want to do that, do you?
When you put your child in the middle of something that makes them very uncomfortable, it begins to build up an unloving sense inside them against you. This unloving sense makes them think that by being in the middle that they had something to do with your divorce, and they didn’t.  They should not be burdened with solving your problems. They should not be made into an intermediary or a detective. And carrying information back and forth makes them feel disloyal to one or both parents.  It’s an ugly, emotional stew you’re cooking up for your children.
You might consider that you really don’t need to know so much about your ex’s new life.  If the information only serves to keep the flames burning inside you, why feed that fire?  Try telling yourself “I don’t need to know that.”  See if you can live with that. Or if you absolutely must know, exercise the courage inside you that is just waiting to be used.  Ask your ex yourself.

Len :: Oct.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, The Pain of Divorce ::

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