Divorce rates are higher for second marriages than for first marriages.  Isn’t that bone chilling?  It’s almost as if the first one wasn’t pain-filled enough; you now require more pain.  Wouldn’t you like to never experience that kind of pain again?  Here are some tips to help you.
The first tip is:  be brutally honest about the questions that follow.  Hint: if you are blaming your ex, you are not being brutally honest.  It takes two to tango.  You played a role in that divorce. What was your role?
Why did you get married in the first place?  Were you too  young? Did you marry for wrong reasons? Were you looking for someone to take care of you financially?  Do you have co-dependent behavior and you rescued someone who was struggling?  Did you get pregnant before marriage?  Did your parents pressure you into a marriage?  Look carefully at the brutally honest reasons you got married in the first place and see if there’s something you did that can now be changed.  You might need the help of a counselor to make those changes.
Did the communication between you and your ex fall from loving dialogue to harsh criticism or sarcasm?  How did that happen?  If the communication coming from your ex was hurtful, did you swallow that hurt without discussing it with him only to find it coming out of your own mouth?  If your communicating isn’t harmonious, this is a big clue that the marriage is going downhill fast.  Don’t retreat behind a wall of silence.  The only way I know to fix this is to improve your sense of self:  join Toastmasters and become a better speaker.  Get into therapy and learn more about your strengths and weaknesses and how to talk about them. 
My virtual assistant told me that in her early life, her extreme sensitivity to parental fighting put her into a state of speechless shock.  It’s not surprising to know that the very same thing carried forward into her first marriage.  She couldn’t believe that such evil words and angry gestures were coming at her.  I think that an individual’s intrinsic goodness and the fact that he or she wouldn’t consider using this abusive behavior towards any other is what makes them somewhat vulnerable to it.  If you go into shock, please find help via a pastor or a counselor to help you past this stuck spot so that you don’t carry it into another unhappy marriage/divorce situation.
Do you carry a grudge or a long list of “he done me wrongs?”  If you do this, it will be on your mind constantly and by thinking about it, you will recreate it over and over.  You might not be aware that you are doing this.  Watch the way you are thinking and see if you hold a grudge against your ex for his errors.  If you do, look up “how to forgive” on the internet and then get busy doing that work.

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Len :: Oct.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

When divorce drives it’s nasty fangs into your life, reasonable agreements isn’t a topic that sits very easily on your lap.  Your own emotions are generally boiling, and it’s more likely that revenge would be more on the forefront than reasonable agreements.
But you are growing into maturity with the help of your divorce, and you now have children to put into the first spot where you used to live, so let’s do think about reasonable visitation agreements.
The majority of parents love their children equally. And your children blossom under the spell of the love of each of  you, so let’s consider some ideas about visitation rights after divorcing.
Father’s Rights are a big bone of contention during a divorce.  You should both sit down and make a list of the rights of the parent who has custody and the parent who does not have custody.  You both do have rights.  Use the internet to see what others have said about this topic.  Consider: how much time each parent should have; don’t over-schedule activities in your visitation period; should the grandparents be considered; how?; creating a child friendly home; summer vacations; how holidays will be handled.  Topics like these deserve your attention and it’s wiser to do it before the time arrives than on the fly.
There is not just one way to establish visitation agreements.  There is your way for you. There is the court’s intervention when necessary.  There are different rules in different states.  The best way is to arrive at a decision between the divorcing parents.  If that is not possible, it can be arrived at through each parent’s attorney.  Keep in mind that the children’s welfare is the ruling decision maker here.
If a parent isn’t living up to the visitation agreement, the court can be a help in enforcement.  Don’t allow the frustration over one parent’s non-compliance to infect the children.  Go to the court for help before that happens.
There are three main topics to be considered: the Schedule, how to make the Exhange, Communication for issues that arise.
Modifications to the Visitation Agreement can be made at any time to reflect the children’s best interests, and both parents should be flexible about this.  In fact, this issue of visitation agreements is contentious and on-going, so  your flexibility will be tested. It might be the only tool left to maintain control over an out-of-control divorce. Your visitation agreement can prevent years of stress and of good benefit for your children.

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Len :: Sep.23.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

When you go through the painful divorce experience, sometimes revenge runs rampant inside your mind, doesn’t it?  You certainly don’t like what’s happened to you.  You want to blame someone because certainly you are faultless and blame free.  You wouldn’t mind it too awfully if someone else hurt as much as you do.  You frequently turn this type of thinking toward your ex, whom you think of as the ogre.  
The bottom line is that is really does take two to tango. Regardless of who is to blame for the divorce, you are one of that partnership and you’re in this specific experience for your own good. I’m going to share with you a few ideas about how to glean that good from all the goop.
Lots of our spiritual leaders have told us to forgive and forget.  Sounds great, but how do we do this with all those raging emotions caroming around inside of us?  Through choice, deliberateness, putting our children first on the list, and being introspective.
Choice.  You always have a choice in your life.  You can live it awash with emotion, or you can choose something different.  You can choose to take a deep breath.  You can share with your children that you are getting in control of your emotions.  Don’t forget:  you are their role model.  You can have a few moments of silence to recover your equilibrium, and then you can choose to deliberately be calm at that very moment.
Deliberateness.  Is it possible your ex will do things deliberately to stir you up?  It’s possible.  Can you do anything about their actions?  You can not.  You can only control yours, so why not decide today precisely what you will think the next time he/she tried to bait you.  How about this:  I am centered in my own truth and the lies that come at me fall away harmless without my emotional reaction.  Or create one of your own.  “I know you are but what am I?” won’t work, so you’ll have to dig deep and come up with something that will work for you.
Put Your Children First on the List.  You want to set an exemplary example for your children.  If your emotions are not in control, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you gossip about your ex in front of them, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you keep an undisciplined environment, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you are unforgiving and you refuse to forget what’s happened in the past, that’s what you are teaching them.  
Forgiveness can be easy.  You simply say the words “I forgive you.”  You follow those words with a good reason for why you forgive them.  “You must be in a world of hurt yourself to say something so hurtful to me.  You must be ignorant of how hurtful those words are to me.  You must be awash in emotions yourself to lash out so.”  You are forgiving and you are giving a reasonable excuse for his behavior to yourself so that you can let go of it.  Drop it and move on with your life.  Forgiveness is for giving yourself your own next best thing.  What a wonderful  thing to teach to your children.
Forgetting can be just as easy.  In order to forget, you have to put something else in the place of the thing you want to forget.  If I tell you “Don’t think about purple elephants” you will only remember purple elephants unless you can replace that with another idea – how about green alligators?  For getting your next great idea in place of the emotionally-burdened one, just put another good idea in it’s place.  And then put a guard at the door to your thinking with orders not to let in any purple elephants!  You can ease your children into their maturity with these techniques.  
Become Introspective.  Going within for a few moments when you’ve got some quiet time can be so beneficial for both you and your children.  I came to cherish that last hour of the day when I was alone with my coffee, a book, the TV or just with my journal.  It’s a great way to  sort through the elements of the day, give yourself some distance emotionally from them so that you can decide specifically how you want to handle it the next time.  This could be a great time to read a few paragraphs from an inspirational book and think about how they apply to you.  Just a few moments can grace you with much needed objectivity during your parenting years.
You could continue to seek for revenge, to blame your ex, to nurse your hurt behind drugs or alcohol, or, you could admit that you also played a role; that it does take two to tango.  You can get honest and prevent a second divorce through the exercise of forgiveness.  It’s good for your kids if you do.
 

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Len :: Sep.15.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

Divorce is the most painful thing that I have ever gone through.  It brings in a lot doubt about your own worthiness and goodness as a human being.  It makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust anyone else again.  It makes you feel overwhelmed with the tasks you can see ahead of you.
Every good soldier knows not to cross a battlefield without a map of where the land mines are buried.  Your battlefield has become, by default, raising your children in the best manner you know how.  For the sake of the children, it would be great if you and the spouse you are divorcing could sit down and create this plan together.  If that’s not possible, then you need to provide some answers to these questions.  Deciding ahead of the time when crucial issues must be decided will give you an edge.
About The Children’s Feelings

Decide how you will tell your children that you are divorcing. Write it out on paper if you aren’t good with impromptu speeches.

1.  Make sure they know it was not due to anything they did.
2. Tell them what changes you know have to be made and that you’ll make them together. Let them know you’ll try to keep as much the same as you can.
3. Decide that you won’t say anything to them (like making promises) that you can’t follow through on. Their stability leans on your follow through.
4. Decide not to badmouth your ex in front of your child.  He still loves  him or her and deserves to.
   Children need both parents.  Try to keep moving out of the picture.
    
    

About Custody

1. Keep up relationships with in-laws whenever possible.  It’s part of your kids stability.
2.  Decide here and now not to use your child’s time with his other parent as a battering ram to punish your ex.  It will hurt your child.
3.  If your ex doesn’t show up when promised, don’t make it a big deal in front of your kids, no matter how angry that absence makes you.
4.   Decide right now that you will not grill your children when they come home from visiting their other parent about him/her or their new mate.
5.  Keep an information sheet with all statistical data about the child and be sure his other parent and his child care giver has a copy. 
    

About Goals For The Children

1. See if you and your ex can establish the same levels of discipline.  Be reasonable. Examine what TV shows they can watch; what bedtime needs to be honored; what language is appropriate for example.
2. Determine that homework has to be monitored by both of you, not just the parent the child is living with.
   Set up a picture of where you’d like the kids’ achievements to be in x number of years and both of you keep that goal in mind.
3. Don’t permit your child to become alienated from his other parent.  He needs both parents.
   Children thrive when their routines aren’t varied.  Each parent should try to honor the child’s normal routine.
4.  Consistency will help keep your child level and achieving normally.
5. Consequences for misbehaviors have to be kept consistent by each parent.  Decide what they will be and then follow through.
6. Determine what your standards are for achievement in school and each of you work to support the child to achieve them.
7. If your children have special needs, address how they will be supplied by each of you.
    

About Your Feelings

1. Don’t confide your personal less-than feelings to your child. She/he is not a therapist. She/he cannot solve for you.
   You will need some alone time.  Set this up with your ex. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and level – bubble baths; gardening; a hobby.  You’ll  know.
2. Get a coach, a minister, an older aunt/uncle who can help you through tough situations that occur. You’ll benefit from having a support team.
3. You will have to put your children’s needs before your own until they are grown.  Don’t ignore your own needs, however.  They must be addressed.
4. If there are disputes over child rearing, seek the help of an arbitrator. Don’t feel so all alone.
   Admit that you were wrong to  your children if  you were.  They so appreciate honesty and they already knew you were wrong.  Their esteem of you will increase with honesty and you’ll love having an open, honest relationship with them.
    

These ideas are not all inclusive.  There’s a lot more you can find on the internet to flesh these in.  A plan can help prevent negative effects on your children.  It can also prevent a second divorce and they certainly don’t’ need that.

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Len :: Sep.05.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

I know what overwhelm feels like.  In the early days of my divorce, overwhelm and fear were my constant companions.  I was very lucky though, that I never let these feelings get in the way of my accomplishing my biggest task to date – the raising of my daughters.  They were my number one priority and I’m so glad I made them such a priority, because they are now lovely, successful, productive young women and I’m proud and happy of the job I did as their dad.

How do you accomplish this ultra important task?  One of the best ways is to listen to your kids with complete attention. Oh, I know, it was hard not to be off in la-la land with the boys playing poker and smoking cigars, but when my girls wanted my attention, they were my number one priority and they got my attention.  When I wanted just ten minutes to watch the news without interruption, too bad.  I had them; I got a divorce; they were my priority so they got my attention.
It’s a proud moment when a soldier gets a medal for some element of bravery or honor, but as a single parent, you should be awarded medals throughout your day.  When you selflessly set aside your own desires, and you stop what you’d prefer to be doing to focus your complete attention on your child, it’s medal time!  My kids were such a precious commodity, that the nurturing they needed (and sometimes it seemed to be a relentless, gaping maw) was a privilege to me to provide.  I think that parenting is a sacred trust and should be dignified with your full attention.  Stay-at-home moms are the Executive Directors of the souls and minds of our nation’s incubators.  They are the accomplishers of gargantuan tasks.  
Well, you might not have the privilege of staying at home.  You might have to be out in the work place.  That doesn’t mean your kids play second fiddle.  They don’t play second fiddle to anything you want to do.  They must come first, or the bruises of your inattention will show in society.  When a plant suffers from inattention, it dies.  Think about how inattention touches your kids, and resolve today that they will get your complete attention.

My Virtual Assistant told me the story of how she accomplished attention with her sons.  They got her complete attention up until the time when they went to bed for the night.  After that, it was “her time” and they could no longer make requests of her unless they were ill.  It took a while for the “Mommy, I want a drink of water” comments to stop because she just told them “I have given you my entire day.  This is my time now.”  It was good for her to set these boundaries.

Your children will blossom as plants do that receive full attention.  They are worth all the effort it takes. Once your focus becomes “them,” your overwhelm, stress and fear from the divorce will all disappear.

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Len :: Aug.26.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »