Divorce rates are higher for second marriages than for first marriages.  Isn’t that bone chilling?  It’s almost as if the first one wasn’t pain-filled enough; you now require more pain.  Wouldn’t you like to never experience that kind of pain again?  Here are some tips to help you.
The first tip is:  be brutally honest about the questions that follow.  Hint: if you are blaming your ex, you are not being brutally honest.  It takes two to tango.  You played a role in that divorce. What was your role?
Why did you get married in the first place?  Were you too  young? Did you marry for wrong reasons? Were you looking for someone to take care of you financially?  Do you have co-dependent behavior and you rescued someone who was struggling?  Did you get pregnant before marriage?  Did your parents pressure you into a marriage?  Look carefully at the brutally honest reasons you got married in the first place and see if there’s something you did that can now be changed.  You might need the help of a counselor to make those changes.
Did the communication between you and your ex fall from loving dialogue to harsh criticism or sarcasm?  How did that happen?  If the communication coming from your ex was hurtful, did you swallow that hurt without discussing it with him only to find it coming out of your own mouth?  If your communicating isn’t harmonious, this is a big clue that the marriage is going downhill fast.  Don’t retreat behind a wall of silence.  The only way I know to fix this is to improve your sense of self:  join Toastmasters and become a better speaker.  Get into therapy and learn more about your strengths and weaknesses and how to talk about them. 
My virtual assistant told me that in her early life, her extreme sensitivity to parental fighting put her into a state of speechless shock.  It’s not surprising to know that the very same thing carried forward into her first marriage.  She couldn’t believe that such evil words and angry gestures were coming at her.  I think that an individual’s intrinsic goodness and the fact that he or she wouldn’t consider using this abusive behavior towards any other is what makes them somewhat vulnerable to it.  If you go into shock, please find help via a pastor or a counselor to help you past this stuck spot so that you don’t carry it into another unhappy marriage/divorce situation.
Do you carry a grudge or a long list of “he done me wrongs?”  If you do this, it will be on your mind constantly and by thinking about it, you will recreate it over and over.  You might not be aware that you are doing this.  Watch the way you are thinking and see if you hold a grudge against your ex for his errors.  If you do, look up “how to forgive” on the internet and then get busy doing that work.

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Len :: Oct.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

Single – Parenting can be such a challenge.  Here you are, all alone, doing the work of both parents during the time you’ve got the kids.  It’s not easy.  Your ex looks like she’s got the life.

You’ve got the kids full time during the week, and she only has them for the weekend.  She has no homework to help them with each night.  No laundry to wash on the weekend.  Oh and now, she’s got a new boyfriend!  Sweet.  Wish you knew more about him so you could feed those flames burning emotionally inside you?
So, who do you think is the best one to find out this information?  Your kids. NOT NOT NOT!!!

Could you tell I’m really against the idea of using your children to ferret out information that you want about their other parents?
It is a terrible thing to do to your children when you ask them to spy for you on their other parent.  You might couch your questions innocently enough, but they can feel in their hearts that you are prying. If they go to mommy and ask your questions, then she gets mad at them.  And if they don’t have answers to your questions when they come home, then you get mad at them.
Stop a minute here and let’s assume an attitude of maturity.  Who wants to know?  You do.

So who should do the asking?  You should.  It’s just not a good idea to put your kids into this

horrible position of carrying information back for you. It hurts them emotionally and you don’t want to do that, do you?
When you put your child in the middle of something that makes them very uncomfortable, it begins to build up an unloving sense inside them against you. This unloving sense makes them think that by being in the middle that they had something to do with your divorce, and they didn’t.  They should not be burdened with solving your problems. They should not be made into an intermediary or a detective. And carrying information back and forth makes them feel disloyal to one or both parents.  It’s an ugly, emotional stew you’re cooking up for your children.
You might consider that you really don’t need to know so much about your ex’s new life.  If the information only serves to keep the flames burning inside you, why feed that fire?  Try telling yourself “I don’t need to know that.”  See if you can live with that. Or if you absolutely must know, exercise the courage inside you that is just waiting to be used.  Ask your ex yourself.

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Len :: Oct.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

When you go through the painful divorce experience, sometimes revenge runs rampant inside your mind, doesn’t it?  You certainly don’t like what’s happened to you.  You want to blame someone because certainly you are faultless and blame free.  You wouldn’t mind it too awfully if someone else hurt as much as you do.  You frequently turn this type of thinking toward your ex, whom you think of as the ogre.  
The bottom line is that is really does take two to tango. Regardless of who is to blame for the divorce, you are one of that partnership and you’re in this specific experience for your own good. I’m going to share with you a few ideas about how to glean that good from all the goop.
Lots of our spiritual leaders have told us to forgive and forget.  Sounds great, but how do we do this with all those raging emotions caroming around inside of us?  Through choice, deliberateness, putting our children first on the list, and being introspective.
Choice.  You always have a choice in your life.  You can live it awash with emotion, or you can choose something different.  You can choose to take a deep breath.  You can share with your children that you are getting in control of your emotions.  Don’t forget:  you are their role model.  You can have a few moments of silence to recover your equilibrium, and then you can choose to deliberately be calm at that very moment.
Deliberateness.  Is it possible your ex will do things deliberately to stir you up?  It’s possible.  Can you do anything about their actions?  You can not.  You can only control yours, so why not decide today precisely what you will think the next time he/she tried to bait you.  How about this:  I am centered in my own truth and the lies that come at me fall away harmless without my emotional reaction.  Or create one of your own.  “I know you are but what am I?” won’t work, so you’ll have to dig deep and come up with something that will work for you.
Put Your Children First on the List.  You want to set an exemplary example for your children.  If your emotions are not in control, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you gossip about your ex in front of them, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you keep an undisciplined environment, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you are unforgiving and you refuse to forget what’s happened in the past, that’s what you are teaching them.  
Forgiveness can be easy.  You simply say the words “I forgive you.”  You follow those words with a good reason for why you forgive them.  “You must be in a world of hurt yourself to say something so hurtful to me.  You must be ignorant of how hurtful those words are to me.  You must be awash in emotions yourself to lash out so.”  You are forgiving and you are giving a reasonable excuse for his behavior to yourself so that you can let go of it.  Drop it and move on with your life.  Forgiveness is for giving yourself your own next best thing.  What a wonderful  thing to teach to your children.
Forgetting can be just as easy.  In order to forget, you have to put something else in the place of the thing you want to forget.  If I tell you “Don’t think about purple elephants” you will only remember purple elephants unless you can replace that with another idea – how about green alligators?  For getting your next great idea in place of the emotionally-burdened one, just put another good idea in it’s place.  And then put a guard at the door to your thinking with orders not to let in any purple elephants!  You can ease your children into their maturity with these techniques.  
Become Introspective.  Going within for a few moments when you’ve got some quiet time can be so beneficial for both you and your children.  I came to cherish that last hour of the day when I was alone with my coffee, a book, the TV or just with my journal.  It’s a great way to  sort through the elements of the day, give yourself some distance emotionally from them so that you can decide specifically how you want to handle it the next time.  This could be a great time to read a few paragraphs from an inspirational book and think about how they apply to you.  Just a few moments can grace you with much needed objectivity during your parenting years.
You could continue to seek for revenge, to blame your ex, to nurse your hurt behind drugs or alcohol, or, you could admit that you also played a role; that it does take two to tango.  You can get honest and prevent a second divorce through the exercise of forgiveness.  It’s good for your kids if you do.
 

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Len :: Sep.15.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

Most people spend the majority of their time in the past.  Because that is where they spend most of their time, that becomes what is most important to them. From living in the past, they avoid the present; they emphasize their guilt from past failures and, therefore, they are sure they have to pay for these failures in the future; or, they dwell on past hurts or perceived insults.  In those situations, they may be thinking of how they can even the score.  In either case, the past is dictating the future.
The present, the now, the in-the-moment, gets lost.  The present is mostly used as a reminder of past injuries or failures.  You then react to things that occur to you in the present as if you were in the past.  If in your mind you’re in the past, the past then dictates your reactions to people and events in the present.
When your thinking is about the past, that is your point of reference, and whoever you’re dealing with has a big problem because you’re not seeing or hearing him accurately.  Instead, you’re hearing echoes from the past.  Those echoes carry pain in your mind and justify your attacks in the present in return for a past no one else sees and for whom it doesn’t exist.  Do you see how the past can dictate your future?  Think of all the opportunities you could be missing out on.
Here’s an example of something that happened to me just a few months ago. My family decided to meet at a small, local Italian restaurant to eat dinner. We went in separate cars and my younger daughter was in my car with me.  
Just as each of you has done hundreds of times, we were making small talk, and were pretty much oblivious to everything around us.  As we parked the car, a minivan zoomed into the parking space next to mine, slammed on his brakes, got out and started walking toward the restaurant.  He parked so close to my car I literally could not get out of the car.  Before he got away I asked him if he could move his car because I couldn’t get out.  I said it nice, honest.  (I remember I wanted to be a smart aleck about it, but I held back).
He stalked back to his car, yelled something to me about it wouldn’t have been so tight if I had parked in the space correctly then, as he pulled away his side view mirror hit my mirror and he zoomed back into the parking spot.  Now I wanted to knock him out.  My daughter, sweet little thing that she is, was encouraging me to knock him out.  But I’m too old to be fighting. I’m a lover, not a fighter, or at least I hope so.  We walked into the restaurant and, of course, we told the rest of the family what happened. Ironically, they knew who we were talking about because they saw him storm into the restaurant and, in their words “He was nasty to his wife.”
It’s a harmless example, but the point is that he was obviously living in the past.  I don’t know what had him upset.  His past almost dictated an ass whipping. (I am bigger than he is.)
That’s just an example to get you to look at your own situation so you don’t make mistakes like that.  Think of the times when you overreacted because your son left dirty underwear on the floor or your daughter left wet towels on the bathroom floor.  You’re overreacting because you’re really reacting to something from the past – something he’s done dozens of times before, or something he’d done earlier in the day that upset you.
If he had left his underwear on the floor dozens of times before, then you have to improve your parenting skills.  You might be yelling at him about it, but there have obviously not been any consequences for it.  Kids respond marvelously to consequences.
Let me give you another perspective.  There’s a company called The Landmark Corporation which does a wonderful job of teaching people different techniques for avoiding problems like this.  They will tell you that when you have a conversation with someone, you should come from nothing.
When I first heard them talking about communicating from nothing I thought, “Whoa, I’m paying for this?”  Then I started to get it and I hope, in light of the above discussion, it makes sense to you.  Come from nothing.  In other words, don’t assume anything and don’t bring past history into this current episode.  This is not easy to do, but once you get the hang of it, you’d be amazed at how much you were missing.  We usually go into conversations with an agenda or a prejudice - some point we want to make, or information we want to get. 
Try having a conversation with someone without trying to be right, without an agenda, without assuming you know what they want.  Initially, you won’t be able to do this in every conversation but if you just do it once, you’ll get it and you’ll be really impressed with how positive it can be.  And then you can do it more and more often.  Once you get it, it’s the beginning of listening.  It’s also a big step toward giving up living in the past and living in the present.  Once you can let go of perceived insults, when you live in the present, you get to create your future. The past is no longer dictating your future.
 

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Len :: Sep.05.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

Divorce is the most painful thing that I have ever gone through.  It brings in a lot doubt about your own worthiness and goodness as a human being.  It makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust anyone else again.  It makes you feel overwhelmed with the tasks you can see ahead of you.
Every good soldier knows not to cross a battlefield without a map of where the land mines are buried.  Your battlefield has become, by default, raising your children in the best manner you know how.  For the sake of the children, it would be great if you and the spouse you are divorcing could sit down and create this plan together.  If that’s not possible, then you need to provide some answers to these questions.  Deciding ahead of the time when crucial issues must be decided will give you an edge.
About The Children’s Feelings

Decide how you will tell your children that you are divorcing. Write it out on paper if you aren’t good with impromptu speeches.

1.  Make sure they know it was not due to anything they did.
2. Tell them what changes you know have to be made and that you’ll make them together. Let them know you’ll try to keep as much the same as you can.
3. Decide that you won’t say anything to them (like making promises) that you can’t follow through on. Their stability leans on your follow through.
4. Decide not to badmouth your ex in front of your child.  He still loves  him or her and deserves to.
   Children need both parents.  Try to keep moving out of the picture.
    
    

About Custody

1. Keep up relationships with in-laws whenever possible.  It’s part of your kids stability.
2.  Decide here and now not to use your child’s time with his other parent as a battering ram to punish your ex.  It will hurt your child.
3.  If your ex doesn’t show up when promised, don’t make it a big deal in front of your kids, no matter how angry that absence makes you.
4.   Decide right now that you will not grill your children when they come home from visiting their other parent about him/her or their new mate.
5.  Keep an information sheet with all statistical data about the child and be sure his other parent and his child care giver has a copy. 
    

About Goals For The Children

1. See if you and your ex can establish the same levels of discipline.  Be reasonable. Examine what TV shows they can watch; what bedtime needs to be honored; what language is appropriate for example.
2. Determine that homework has to be monitored by both of you, not just the parent the child is living with.
   Set up a picture of where you’d like the kids’ achievements to be in x number of years and both of you keep that goal in mind.
3. Don’t permit your child to become alienated from his other parent.  He needs both parents.
   Children thrive when their routines aren’t varied.  Each parent should try to honor the child’s normal routine.
4.  Consistency will help keep your child level and achieving normally.
5. Consequences for misbehaviors have to be kept consistent by each parent.  Decide what they will be and then follow through.
6. Determine what your standards are for achievement in school and each of you work to support the child to achieve them.
7. If your children have special needs, address how they will be supplied by each of you.
    

About Your Feelings

1. Don’t confide your personal less-than feelings to your child. She/he is not a therapist. She/he cannot solve for you.
   You will need some alone time.  Set this up with your ex. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and level – bubble baths; gardening; a hobby.  You’ll  know.
2. Get a coach, a minister, an older aunt/uncle who can help you through tough situations that occur. You’ll benefit from having a support team.
3. You will have to put your children’s needs before your own until they are grown.  Don’t ignore your own needs, however.  They must be addressed.
4. If there are disputes over child rearing, seek the help of an arbitrator. Don’t feel so all alone.
   Admit that you were wrong to  your children if  you were.  They so appreciate honesty and they already knew you were wrong.  Their esteem of you will increase with honesty and you’ll love having an open, honest relationship with them.
    

These ideas are not all inclusive.  There’s a lot more you can find on the internet to flesh these in.  A plan can help prevent negative effects on your children.  It can also prevent a second divorce and they certainly don’t’ need that.

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Len :: Sep.05.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »