Divorce is the most painful thing that I have ever gone through.  It brings in a lot doubt about your own worthiness and goodness as a human being.  It makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust anyone else again.  It makes you feel overwhelmed with the tasks you can see ahead of you.
Every good soldier knows not to cross a battlefield without a map of where the land mines are buried.  Your battlefield has become, by default, raising your children in the best manner you know how.  For the sake of the children, it would be great if you and the spouse you are divorcing could sit down and create this plan together.  If that’s not possible, then you need to provide some answers to these questions.  Deciding ahead of the time when crucial issues must be decided will give you an edge.
About The Children’s Feelings

Decide how you will tell your children that you are divorcing. Write it out on paper if you aren’t good with impromptu speeches.

1.  Make sure they know it was not due to anything they did.
2. Tell them what changes you know have to be made and that you’ll make them together. Let them know you’ll try to keep as much the same as you can.
3. Decide that you won’t say anything to them (like making promises) that you can’t follow through on. Their stability leans on your follow through.
4. Decide not to badmouth your ex in front of your child.  He still loves  him or her and deserves to.
   Children need both parents.  Try to keep moving out of the picture.
    
    

About Custody

1. Keep up relationships with in-laws whenever possible.  It’s part of your kids stability.
2.  Decide here and now not to use your child’s time with his other parent as a battering ram to punish your ex.  It will hurt your child.
3.  If your ex doesn’t show up when promised, don’t make it a big deal in front of your kids, no matter how angry that absence makes you.
4.   Decide right now that you will not grill your children when they come home from visiting their other parent about him/her or their new mate.
5.  Keep an information sheet with all statistical data about the child and be sure his other parent and his child care giver has a copy. 
    

About Goals For The Children

1. See if you and your ex can establish the same levels of discipline.  Be reasonable. Examine what TV shows they can watch; what bedtime needs to be honored; what language is appropriate for example.
2. Determine that homework has to be monitored by both of you, not just the parent the child is living with.
   Set up a picture of where you’d like the kids’ achievements to be in x number of years and both of you keep that goal in mind.
3. Don’t permit your child to become alienated from his other parent.  He needs both parents.
   Children thrive when their routines aren’t varied.  Each parent should try to honor the child’s normal routine.
4.  Consistency will help keep your child level and achieving normally.
5. Consequences for misbehaviors have to be kept consistent by each parent.  Decide what they will be and then follow through.
6. Determine what your standards are for achievement in school and each of you work to support the child to achieve them.
7. If your children have special needs, address how they will be supplied by each of you.
    

About Your Feelings

1. Don’t confide your personal less-than feelings to your child. She/he is not a therapist. She/he cannot solve for you.
   You will need some alone time.  Set this up with your ex. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and level – bubble baths; gardening; a hobby.  You’ll  know.
2. Get a coach, a minister, an older aunt/uncle who can help you through tough situations that occur. You’ll benefit from having a support team.
3. You will have to put your children’s needs before your own until they are grown.  Don’t ignore your own needs, however.  They must be addressed.
4. If there are disputes over child rearing, seek the help of an arbitrator. Don’t feel so all alone.
   Admit that you were wrong to  your children if  you were.  They so appreciate honesty and they already knew you were wrong.  Their esteem of you will increase with honesty and you’ll love having an open, honest relationship with them.
    

These ideas are not all inclusive.  There’s a lot more you can find on the internet to flesh these in.  A plan can help prevent negative effects on your children.  It can also prevent a second divorce and they certainly don’t’ need that.

Len :: Sep.05.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

Your kids worship you.  They are unaware of many of the details that life involves.  All they know is that there is this Big Person standing over them who radiates love toward them and they feel good being loved.
Sometimes your love for them assumes the form of stern insistence.  Sometimes your love for them creates balloon jump rides at birthday parties.  Sometimes your love for them points determinedly at the bathroom where their toothbrush lives that should be now moving up and down over their teeth before they go nightie night.  Sometimes your love sees them in a cute outfit and you just have to buy it.
Your love means that you keep your kids at the forefront of your thoughts night and day until they can take over that job for themselves.  One portion of your love is occupied with their becoming adults because you are the main influence on their lives.
I suffered with trepidations when my girls went off to school for the first time because I knew that I wasn’t going to be the only source of information for them any longer.  I knew that they’d bring home to me what they had learned and that I would remain the judge of it’s rightness or wrongness for them.  I’d have preferred they not experience wrongness, but they had to see life as it is, not as how I wanted it to be for them.
My influence on my kids ran it’s fingers through every aspect of their lives.  I was their chief cook and bottle washer.  I was their launderer.  I was their nurse.  I was their teacher.  I was their maintenance man.  I was the parent with the main presence in their lives.  It’s not uncommon in a divorce for one parent to be doing the real parenting - all the little stuff, day in and day out. Buying the groceries, helping with homework, monitoring their computer use, etc. And sometimes the other parent is mostly concerned with the big events. You know, being front-and-center for their birthday party; buying them jewelry from where they went on their latest vacation, and never buying them tennis shoes.
If you’re the Big Event Type, ask yourself if what you’re doing is for you or for your kids. Are you doing the showy things to make yourself look good and ignoring what really matters? If you are, I’ve got a newsflash for you – it doesn’t make you look good. Your fifteen-year-old doesn’t really need diamond earrings. It’s not a competition. There’s really only one question that matters. Are you contributing effectively to the upbringing of your children? If you really feel the need to do the showy things, go ahead, but make sure you also contribute in little ways. The stuff that really matters to your children are the things that no one sees when you’re doing them.
On the other hand, if you’re a divorced parent who is really conscience about parenting, good for you.  Keep it up. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Being a good parent is truly its own reward. You are doing important work. It’s the most important job you will every have. I have clients that have tens of millions of dollars, but they cannot buy what you have with your children. So remember, you influence them everyday. Make it a point to teach them something positive each day.

Len :: Aug.21.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, Disciplining Children :: No Comments »

Throughout the course of any marriage, property is accumulated.  You’re in love, and as you stroll through shopping areas, you think that certain things will make the relationship happier.  You started out with an empty apartment or home and before you knew it, there’s no room left for anything.  If a divorce enters this scene, all this “stuff” becomes one of the biggest issues, because now this property will have to be divide between the two parties upon the finalization of the divorce. You’ll need to determine spousal support.
A divorce property settlement is an enormous challenge.  In addition to the splitting of the acquired assets, you have to form an agreement about tax liability intrinsic to those assets as well because some of your assets might come with a huge tax bill. You’ll need to discuss the ownership of stock options, IRA accounts, state and local taxes, any existing Retirement Accounts, the capital gain for home ownership, and any ownership interests that may exist in a business with their value.
In Ohio, marital property is most often separated equitably.  This means, however, that the divorcing couple must agree on what items are marital property, pre-marital property and separate property.  Separating the marital property equitably doesn’t necessarily mean equally; but it does means fairly.  The court will take several factors into consideration to decide what is fair in each individual case.  These factors include the duration of the marriage, the assets, custody issues, and tax consequences.
Additionally, not all divorce cases in Ohio include spousal support payments. These decisions are made on a case-by-case basis and vary in amount, duration, and terms of payment.  Again, there are several factors that go into deciding if spousal support will occur and of what it will consist.  These factors include each individual’s income, earning ability, retirement benefits, duration of the marriage, standard of living, and custody and other circumstances surrounding children.
With so many factors involved in the division of property, it’s difficult to say exactly how your property will be divided in the event of a divorce.  An equitable agreement between you and your ex taking into consideration all the factors you are aware of is a great beginning.  Doing research on the internet for the laws in your state is another practical step.  Seeking the advice of your family lawyer can help you better anticipate what you might be able to expect from this portion of the divorce proceedings. When you get a divorce, be sure to examine all the property assets and the resolution of spousal support.

Len :: Aug.12.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

When you go through the painful divorce experience, sometimes revenge runs rampant inside your mind, doesn’t it?  You certainly don’t like what’s happened to you.  You want to blame someone because certainly you are faultless and blame free.  You wouldn’t mind it too awfully if someone else hurt as much as you do.  You frequently turn this type of thinking toward your ex, whom you think of as the ogre.  
The bottom line is that is really does take two to tango. Regardless of who is to blame for the divorce, you are one of that partnership and you’re in this specific experience for your own good. I’m going to share with you a few ideas about how to glean that good from all the goop.
Lots of our spiritual leaders have told us to forgive and forget.  Sounds great, but how do we do this with all those raging emotions caroming around inside of us?  Through choice, deliberateness, putting our children first on the list, and being introspective.
Choice.  You always have a choice in your life.  You can live it awash with emotion, or you can choose something different.  You can choose to take a deep breath.  You can share with your children that you are getting in control of your emotions.  Don’t forget:  you are their role model.  You can have a few moments of silence to recover your equilibrium, and then you can choose to deliberately be calm at that very moment.
Deliberateness.  Is it possible your ex will do things deliberately to stir you up?  It’s possible.  Can you do anything about their actions?  You can not.  You can only control yours, so why not decide today precisely what you will think the next time he/she tried to bait you.  How about this:  I am centered in my own truth and the lies that come at me fall away harmless without my emotional reaction.  Or create one of your own.  “I know you are but what am I?” won’t work, so you’ll have to dig deep and come up with something that will work for you.
Put Your Children First on the List.  You want to set an exemplary example for your children.  If your emotions are not in control, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you gossip about your ex in front of them, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you keep an undisciplined environment, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you are unforgiving and you refuse to forget what’s happened in the past, that’s what you are teaching them.  
Forgiveness can be easy.  You simply say the words “I forgive you.”  You follow those words with a good reason for why you forgive them.  “You must be in a world of hurt yourself to say something so hurtful to me.  You must be ignorant of how hurtful those words are to me.  You must be awash in emotions yourself to lash out so.”  You are forgiving and you are giving a reasonable excuse for his behavior to yourself so that you can let go of it.  Drop it and move on with your life.  Forgiveness is for giving yourself your own next best thing.  What a wonderful  thing to teach to your children.

Len :: Aug.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Current Affairs, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

Being a divorced parent can initially be a scary experience.  You’ve just been emotionally slammed.  The partner that you made a life time commitment to has fled the scene, and you are now scratching your head and feeling overwhelmed with dozens of questions scurrying around inside your head, juggling like a maniac.  How am I going to take care of these kids?  Will I have a social life ever again?  Will my parents be disappointed?  Will I have to listen to my sister June say “I told you he was a creep?”  Will the kids have abandonment issues?  It goes on and on.
This scenario is the one that pops out first when divorce happens to your life. It is motivated by fear. I’ve always thought it was funny that while I know I have a fine mentality and that you do too, it’s almost lost in the shuffle when fear enters into my mind.  It’s like going instantly deaf, dumb and blind.  Fear can be anesthetized, though, and I’d like to tell you how.
Fear is destroyed through choice.  You can choose to consciously tell yourself “No.  That’s fear talking. What do I really want to permit to filter through my mind?”  And then you choose the flip side which is Love.
If you were ever religious in your life, at some point you probably heard the words of St. Paul about love – that love is patient, kind, doesn’t envy, doesn’t brag, isn’t proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  
This love, then, is a pretty powerful commodity and wouldn’t you imagine that love would be something you’d like to have in your parental tool bag and use frequently?
What is the most practical form in which love can be used by you?  It’s acceptance.  And the main way that acceptance is put into play is the acceptance of each person’s individuality, including your own.  Accept the way you are.  Accept the way your kids are.  Accept the way your ex is.  It’s the most practical way you can love each of them and keep fear at arm’s length.  
Does this mean mushy gushiness?  Nope.  It means a calm, rational state of consideration where you simply be what you are and allow them to be that too.  When you remove fear from the soup, it becomes so much easier to swallow.
Does this mean that you now accept the way each of us is and none of us will ever have to lift a finger again to improve?  Nope.  It means that when the foundation of acceptance (love) is there, no negativity will anchor us to this current state and we can move naturally and gracefully into whatever we create next for our life.

Len :: Aug.03.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »