I haven’t found a single way out of or around what I consider one of the stickiest problems brought about by divorce:  Sharing custody of your children with your ex.  
Divorce hurts.  It is your natural inclination to move away from the hurt that divorce brings as rapidly as possible. If you never had to see your ex again, that would make the hurt dissipate. But your children deserve to have and enjoy the only parents they will ever have, regardless of what your feelings about your ex might be.  So you can’t move away from that particularly distasteful aspect of divorce: interfacing on some kind of regular basis with your ex because the two of you share custody.
Because you care so deeply about your children, about their success, and about their needs – in fact, you place them higher on your list than yourself most of the time – you are simply forced to find a way to make the interface with their other parent (your dreaded ex) work so that they don’t feel any of the disturbance between the two of you.
How do you create a harmonious relationship with someone you are divorcing for the sake of your children? Here are some suggestions:
Keep Track of Their Good Points.  You know them.  You once fell in love with him/her because of them.  They haven’t gone away despite the fact that he wants to divorce you now. He still has those good points.  You can choose to focus on those good points and allow your children to discover other aspects of his personality as they naturally mature.  Kids deserve to love their mommy or daddy without any negative feedback.
Remain Objective.  If you permit yourself to fall into entertaining only those ideas you whirl around inside your head, you’ve succumbed to “subjectivity.”  Of course your opinion is nasty!  You’ve been hurt.  Your kids have not experienced this nastiness from their other parent though.  And they deserve to not know your nasty thoughts.  They deserve to see their parents as simply powerful and wonderful. So set your nasty thoughts aside for their sake and remain objective about their mommy or daddy.
Don’t Make Excuses – Be Factual.  Okay, the ex has promised to pick up the kids for a weekend outing.  You’ve got them bathed, slicked and ready.  They’re waiting on the couch.  They’ve been waiting for an hour.  He’s past due and they’re getting rambunctious.  You call him.  He “forgot” about picking them up.  You know they are going to be disappointed. You don’t have to say what a louse he is.  You put them in the car, take them to the park yourself,  and say “Daddy’s not coming.” Factual.  Not loaded with emotional bias.  
Use Legal Means to Keep Promises.  You have a legal right for the commitments made in your divorce proceedings to be honored.  Child Support can be collected for you.  You don’t need to burden your children with the fact that their daddy or mommy hasn’t kept his/her commitment – again!  Keep this kind of information to yourself and allow your children their concepts of their other parent until they have the maturity to understand the facts as they are if they are unpleasant. 
I know a woman who’s youngest son was six months old when she and his dad divorced.  He spent the first sixteen years of his life cajoling her to get back together with his dad.  He wanted an intact family.  She did not want to mention his dad’s homosexuality to her son, nor did she want to focus on his alcoholism and how it lead to verbal abuse when he was drinking.  He loved his daddy and only saw that he was funny and took him to amusement parks frequently.  He was his night in shining armor.  This lady worked to remain somewhat friendly with her son’s father.  Once, when the boys had become young adults, she went on a camping trip where her ex got drunk and became verbally abusive, bringing up their old pre-divorce stuff.  She did her best to calm him down, but both of their adult sons saw and heard the yuck.  Her youngest son said “Mom, no one should ever be talked to that way.”  And she was finally able to tell him “This is the reason your dad and I could not remarry all those years when you wanted us to, son. I never wanted you to know about this.”
Your children will look back when they become adults and be surprised at what you did not share with them because you cared enough to allow them to form whatever kind of relationship they could form with your ex despite all the nasty stuff you know about him.  And your children will be grateful.  Divorce and the shared custody problems isn’t pleasant, but if you handle it correctly, maybe you can save yourself from that evil second divorce.

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Len :: Aug.01.2008 :: Custody Issues :: No Comments »

Custody of the children is such an important decision when going through a divorce. It’s probably the first thing that you thought of, right? “The kids stay with me!” Well even if you get sole custody of the kids they will be gone on nights and weekends sometime.

How are you going to deal with the fact that they may not live with you all of the time?

What if they only live with you part of the time?

What is really in their best interest? All of these questions are very difficult to answer, but they do need to be addressed, and discussed honestly.

Here are some guidelines to follow:

Schedule a time to meet with your ex without the children.

See what their thoughts and feelings are on the subject and try not to react emotionally. I know that seems impossible, but you will have to remember that everyone involved in the situation is fired up with emotion so taking the emotion out of the situation will make things go a lot smoother.

Prepare yourself.

What are some their possible answers to your questions? Will they want to have the kids all to himself or would they be happy just visiting them? Also, all you can do is prepare yourself. Expect that they may say everything that is your worst fear and deal with what you will rationally do in the situation. You need to ask yourself some questions too. “Am I going to go in fighting to keep the kids, or is it really in their best interest to stay with their dad/mom part of the time?” I know it hurts to even think about, but you will feel better making the right decision.

Talk with your children.

Have a plan in place and tell them what you are thinking. Obviously this will depend on how old the children are, but you would be surprised how much they really understand even at a young age. See what their feelings are.

Have they always stayed home with you?

Would it be beneficial to come up with a joint custody arrangement?

You do need to take into consideration what your children are feeling, but they are only children at this point. You are still the parent for a reason. If they want to go live with dad/mom because he will let them eat candy every day for dinner, then they aren’t ready to help with making such a big decision.

Just remember, no matter what your kids will always be yours. These situations can be complicated, but with a little effort from both parties, very normal, pleasant custody agreements can be achieved.

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For more tips and advice get the book  Wisdom for Divorced Parents. 

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Len :: Feb.26.2008 :: Custody Issues :: No Comments »