Divorce has held the biggest challenges for me of anything I ever faced.  It’s also one of the areas in which I’m most proud of my accomplishments courtesy of those challenges. I know that single mothers, in particular, struggle with the finances after a divorce, so I’m providing a ton of tips to help you stay on top of this important aspect of life after divorce.
Benchmark Where Your Credit is Right now.
First, make a list of all paperwork that includes all credit cards, all assets, and the contact information for your credit card companies. Secondly, communicate with the credit card companies about your divorce. If the accounts are joint, it’s wise to convert them to individual accounts so that only you have access to them and are responsible for what is spent on them and when the payments get made.  If you cannot convert them, close the joint accounts.
Get A Current Credit Report
The three major credit-reporting agencies, Equifax, TransUnion and Experian, are each required by law to provide consumers, upon request, a free copy of their credit report once every 12 months. You can get your free copy online from www.AnnualCreditReport.com or by calling (877) 322-8228.
Also under same law as above is the following information about you that is available: Your Medical Information: Medical Information Bureau. Your Renter’s History: First Advantage SafeRent. Your Check Writing History: ChexSystems
 
Create a Moving Forward Plan
You might be lucky enough to have no credit problems.  If you’re not that lucky, it’s important to understand that clearing up your credit is wise, so let’s begin today. All it takes is common sense, communicating with the companies you owe money to, and persevering.
If the current monthly payments are impossible for you, call each company and work toward a better agreement.  Be sure to keep your agreement.  Pay all your bills on time and if you can’t, be sure to call and tell them why so it doesn’t go on your credit report.  This is true of credit card companies, your student loans,  your car loan, your mortgage, etc.
Don’t apply for more credit cards until you have a handle on the ones you have.
Good luck and good persevering.

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Len :: Sep.23.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

If you will spend some time discovering what triggers you, you can make enormous progress in your life to become the kind of role model your kids deserve.  You can share your new skills with your kids to teach them how to handle things when they become triggered.
You deserve to feel better than you do when you are triggered and here are a few tips to help you return to normal:
Move Away: silently step away from whatever is triggering you so that you can have a moment to recover emotionally before you say something you might later regret. Take a deep breath and see how you are feeling after that.
Be Here Now:  sometimes our old feelings of danger or fear or lack of safety trigger us.  They are from the past.  Be Here Now means to consciously recognize that you are in the present moment and you can take yourself into a safer spot, either physically or emotionally.
Breathe:  a few deep, conscious breaths will allow you to gain control over a triggering event until you can think more clearly.
Get Help:  call a friend and explain that you’ve been triggered.  Often a friend’s input is less emotional and can help you get back on track.  Your kids deserve to have you on track.
The Trigger but Not the Source:  When you experience being triggered, it frequently points back in your history to another time when the same feelings triggered inside of you.  Try asking yourself “What is the earliest memory I have of these exact feelings?”  Your mind will provide an answer for you.  Ask the question as many more times as you need until there is no more earlier time.  That first event is the Source of the Triggering you now experience.  
At the time you were first triggered, you made a decision about it.  Now that you are an adult, it might be time to examine that decision and make a new one – one that’s more beneficial to you so that you can be the solid emotional anchor in your kid’s life that they so deserve.
I’d like to recommend that you spend a week with a notebook beside you as you silently observe what is out there triggering you.  Write them down.  Use the first three tips above to keep yourself stable.  Use the fourth one when you’ve gotten a bit of distance from the trigger.  Use the last one when you’ve got some quiet time (maybe when the ex has the kids) to ask yourself about your earlier memories.  Sometimes, if you can trace the path that the triggering has taken, the triggers disappear.  I wish you that, divorced parent readers.

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Len :: Aug.07.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

“In  my last entry….I discussed Christy Brinkley’s divorce as an example of how even the “victim” of adultery needed to look at their   “role” in what led up to the split…..I talked about how Ms. Brinkley might want to look at why she chose Mr. Cook ( her 4th husband) out of all the men she could choose from…………just this morning, she and her husband stopped their trial and reached a settlement. The  following is an excerpt from the news story:
 “ It was not clear what sparked the move toward conciliation after days of embittered testimony, but on Tuesday a court-appointed psychiatrist said Brinkley should be granted custody. Dr. Stephen Herman said Cook deserved liberal access to the children, but added that both parents were in need of counseling to deal with their personal issues.
Herman said that the model needs to examine her taste in men and that Cook is a narcissist with a bottomless ego.”

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Len :: Jul.16.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

Thanks for your comment, I do like to hear other points of view.  Let me expand on what I said earlier with an example from the media.  I just read the story about Christie Brinkley’s divorce.  Apparently her husband had an affair with a “child”…17 or 18 years old…..plus he paid the girl $300,000 to keep it quiet.  No doubt, he is “the bad guy” here.  I blame him.  It would be kinda crazy to “blame” her.  But,  If I’m a friend of her’s and I’m counseling her,  I want to REALLY help  her.  I would emphasize that she is NOT at fault.  But, I would ask her to examine her “role”  in this drama.  That may be nothing more than helping her see things that she is blind to.  I would tell her: Don’t think of him as your “husband”,  just think of some married guy in his 40’s  that had an affair with an 18year old and paid her to keep it quiet.  What do you think of a guy like that?  

My guess is she wouldn’t  want to date a guy like that let alone marry him.  I mean this is Christie Brinkley, THE beauty of my generation.  It’s safe to say she has a lot of choices when it comes to men.   Now you might say, well she didn’t know he was like that when she married him—and that’s a fair comment.   I recognize that there are times when good people mess up, and yes, even have an affair.  But this is her 4th divorce…nobody should have to go thru that.  Let’s assume she was not at fault in any of those marriages.   She can “blame” all 4 guys OR she can figure out her “role”….(or you can say what she is doing “wrong”)….It may be that what she does “wrong” is nothing more than the fact that she wants to be married to a “successful” man so much so that she is blind to his character flaws.   I have counseled many people whose “story” is that their spouse had an affair and left them”.  Once the emotions pass, almost all of them say there were plenty of “signs”  before they got married, but they ignored them.  People have told me that before they got married, their husband’s brother or best friend asked if they realized how selfish “Joe” was…..but they got married any way.  You can do everything “right” and still get a bad result…that’s life……But, you can improve your chances next time around.  So when I say look at you’re “role”…..it is NEVER to blame. 

It is ALWAYS to try and help avoid making the same “mistake”.  Done is Done.  So, I want to learn from my mistakes….not repeat them.  Thanks again for your comments……they were well thought out

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Len :: Jul.10.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

It can be quite difficult after a divorce to feel like you are a “good role model”.  You are at a point where you are feeling like you have experienced some sort of failure.  It’s completely understandable, but untrue! 

Here’s my advice on how to be a good role model:

• When people believe that you should stay married “for the kids” sometimes that is exactly the opposite of what you are achieving.  Getting a divorce may ultimately be the best thing for your children in your individual circumstance. 
• If you were in an abusive relationship of any kind, be it physical or emotional, you are presenting a good example for your children to take a step in the right direction to fix a very hard problem.  Leaving a poor marriage takes a lot of courage. 
• For a marriage to end there are obviously reasons.  In your case, good ones, or else you wouldn’t have found this blog.  It doesn’t matter what anyone says about your divorce, it matters that you know in your heart that you made the best decision possible, with the information that you had available to you.

Kids learn that life is filled with happiness as well as disappointment.  Nothing you do can completely protect them from that.  I know in my heart if I would have stayed married to my ex wife, my children would not be who they are today.  I know that’s hard to think about right now, but trust in you.

Being a good role model is more that being a “married” parent.  Life happens and we can’t always plan everything.  So your marriage didn’t work out.  So what?  What you do from this point on is what matters.  Be the person you want your kids to become.

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Len :: Apr.21.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, General :: 1 Comment »