If you haven’t already you will soon be running into battles over where your children will be over holidays.  These situations will be very new and unsettling for everyone involved.  It will be not only hard for you, but also for your children to not be spending holidays with both of their parents. 

There is only a limited amount of time during every holiday and it can be very difficult to try and please everyone involved.  You will be surprised at not only how your ex views this situation, but grandparents and aunts and uncles too.  Everyone will have an opinion, which they think is very logical. There will be reasons why the kids should be with “their” side of the family or who should have custody over Christmas.  Luckily I have had a lot of experience with this and have learned some useful information over the years.
 
The first attempt at resolving this situation should be some type of schedule.  If you have an amicable enough relationship with your ex, you should be able to sit down and come to an agreement on who your children will be with and when.  This is especially important if you have small children since it is essential for them to have some kind of routine or structure.  A sample of a holiday calendar can look like this:

Sample Schedule

•  Thanksgiving…… Dad all day   ( Mom sees kids on Friday)
•  Christmas Eve….. Dad all day
• Christmas Day….. Mom all day
• New Years Eve….. Dad all day
• New Years Day……Mom all day
• Easter………..Dad all day or split the day if you live close to each other
• Mother’s Day…. Mom
•  Father’s Day……Dad
•  Labor Day……..Mom
• Memorial Day…Dad

You also will have to remember that there is no possible way to make every holiday completely fair.  If you do the schedule method then the following year, every holiday switches.  This worked pretty well for my kids and me for a long time.  If you don’t have a good relationship with your ex or your children will be having limited contact with them then expect an adjustment period for your children to understand why they are only with one parent during the holidays.
  
This may not work forever though.  As your children get older, they may prefer to spend more time with one parent during the holidays.  If it is a reasonable request, let them go where they want. 
It is very hard for them to always be shuffled around and they may get to a point when they don’t want to do it anymore.  If they only reason that you may be objecting to them wanting to go somewhere for a certain holiday is that your feelings are hurt, you may want to reconsider.  Don’t make it about you and what you want.  Make it about them. 

We all have to live with our choices as adults.  Even if we made the right choice to get a divorce there still are going to be sacrifices that have to be made on your part for the sake of your children.  They will be adults themselves one day soon and will ultimately have to live with their choices also.  While they are still young, let them be young.

Len :: Apr.14.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

 Divorce can be a time of big challenges.  Because of all the emotions it stirs up, it seems as if you just keep going round and round.  Divorce is like that.  Round and round the whirlpool with nothing to hang on to, lots of advice (that you’d rather not listen to), and a great deal of insecurity and indecision.
Over a period of time, things will begin to settle down, rhythms establish themselves, systems are developed to make our daily doings a little easier, and we get comfortable with this new lifestyle and have begun to develop the virtues and skills to step up to the challenge.
If you are an old hand at being divorced as I am, you can look backwards and see the patterns so clearly.  When you’re new at it, it all looks like a foggy mess. What I discovered about myself through the process of divorce is what I’d like to share with you in this article in the hope that you’ll begin to see some of the way-markers and develop some confidence in yourself.  I’ve found that learning is always so much easier with a guide.

During this time in our life, we tend to focus on the “Why Me?”  Don’t.  You need to look at this as you should every challenge in life.  What will accomplishing this feat teach you about yourself?  Think of the things that you will learn.  How tough will you become?
Let’s suppose that all of these challenges are designed as learning tools so that you can figure out who you are, dig deeply into the wellspring of your own intrinsic nature, and bring up the very thing that will solve the problem.  That would make you one heck of a source, wouldn’t it? That would allow you to display self-sufficiency.  It’s one of the cheapest schools you can attend, this school of Life. 

 The lessons come, you look inside yourself for the answers to the problems, you bring up from inside yourself whatever it takes to “patch the holes,” and you end up with whatever gpa you’ve earned!  Couldn’t be any more handsomely designed. Convenient, inexpensive, instantly at hand.  Who could ask for a better idea?
What it takes to adopt this kind of a mindset is to switch your focus from you looking outward to you looking inward.  There is a whole world inside yourself that changing diapers, wiping snotty noses, fixing lunches, washing clothes on the weekends, dashing off to work after you drop the kids at school – all those jobs you are tasked with that keep you looking outward.  If you can retrain yourself to look within, find out what the lesson of the day is, bring up the answer while you are wiping the noses and washing clothes, you and your children will benefit from your learning.  
I’ve heard in a sermon that while Jesus was carrying his cross, he fell face down in the dirt three times, but every time he stood up, he was a full body length ahead.  Your emotional challenges and problems, courtesy of life and your divorce, can move you ahead too if you will look within for your answers.  You will discover a you who has tremendous capabilities and skills beyond what you currently recognize.  You can destroy your sense of insecurity and indecision. You will develop strong mental muscles and because of this; you won’t need advice from others, and you will become a strong parent for your children.  They deserve as much.  And if you learn how to do this, you can teach your children to see the things that happen in their lives as a lesson to be learned that will help them to unfold the wonders of their own individuality. 

Wow! Can you see our world’s paradigm switching from leaning on others, entitlement, toward enjoyment and self-sufficiency.  Now, aren’t you glad you’re divorced?

Len :: Apr.14.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

What is a Family?

Families have always been diverse, but today we see more families who have experienced divorce and remarriage. Families come in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t mean that we have to have a mom and a dad in the same house.  Don’t think that you don’t have a family anymore if you aren’t married any more.

A family is where children learn how to grow up.  A family is supportive to children emotionally, spiritually, as well as financially. All families will have strengths and weaknesses.  You can build a successful single parent family if you are able to recognize your own families’ strengths and weaknesses.

Research shows that successful single parent families exemplify the following characteristics:

· Single parents are able to recognize the challenges that they will face by themselves

· Parenting is a first priority for single parents

· There is consistent and fair discipline

· Parents encourage open communication of feelings and thoughts.

· Single parents can recognize the need to take care of themselves as well as the children.

· Single parents maintain some traditions that were started when father and mother were married

· Single parents can learn to manage time effectively.

There are many ways in which family member can build strong bonds with one another by doing simple, everyday activities like preparing meals, reading, riding bikes, cleaning up, and exercising.

Successful single parent families also seem to have a good sense of spirituality.  They all believe in the same thing and focus on common values.  If you haven’t invested much time in religion, this may be something you would want to start in what ever way you feel comfortable.

It is not only possible, but also likely that your family will be a success if you can do the majority of things that are discussed above.  Just remember, there is no one-way to be a family.  They come in all shapes and sizes.

Len :: Mar.14.2008 :: Caring for your Children, General :: No Comments »

This has to be the absolute, with out a doubt, hardest thing to do in life. Living in the present moment.  Actually enjoy the moment that you are in because you can never get it back. 

Why Not Be Happy? 

Many people ask me why I always seem so happy.  I am happy because I have learned how to live in the "now".  I don't worry.  There is no point.  It won't change a thing. 

Everything we think about is either  regarding the past or the future.  Think about it.  Right now you are probably thinking about what you need to do today or what happened yesterday.  You probably aren't thinking about what is happening right now.  Are your kids happy?  Are they running around playing and laughing, but you are missing it because you are worried about the future?  You are missing out on what life really should be about. 

Let Go Of Your Control Issues

The first thing that we must all learn is that we have absolutely no control over anything.  I mean it. Control is an illusion.  We can't control anything, but our own thoughts.  We can't always control what happens to us, what situations will arise, if our loved ones will live to see another day.  We have no control over 99% of what happens, but we can control our thoughts. 

Seize The Day

Start today. Right now you are reading this blog.  Take it in.  Stop and think about what you are reading. 

Later today when you hug your child, really hug them.  Think about the fact that they are a little miracle that you created and you will miss their youth if you spend time worrying that you won't have enough money to pay for them to go to college.  No matter what you do or how much money you save, it can all be taken from you in an instant. 

When you were married you never thought that you would be going through a divorce, but you are or you did.  It didn't matter how much you tried to avoid it, it came anyway.  This should be one of the greatest examples of how to let go of the sense of control in your entire life. 

All we can do is live for today.  There might never be a tomorrow.  It's not a sad concept, so please don't be sad. 

Remember: Living in the present moment is the key to happiness.  Enjoy what you have. 

For God's sake, stop and smell the roses!

Len :: Nov.28.2007 :: General :: No Comments »