Divorce rates are higher for second marriages than for first marriages.  Isn’t that bone chilling?  It’s almost as if the first one wasn’t pain-filled enough; you now require more pain.  Wouldn’t you like to never experience that kind of pain again?  Here are some tips to help you.
The first tip is:  be brutally honest about the questions that follow.  Hint: if you are blaming your ex, you are not being brutally honest.  It takes two to tango.  You played a role in that divorce. What was your role?
Why did you get married in the first place?  Were you too  young? Did you marry for wrong reasons? Were you looking for someone to take care of you financially?  Do you have co-dependent behavior and you rescued someone who was struggling?  Did you get pregnant before marriage?  Did your parents pressure you into a marriage?  Look carefully at the brutally honest reasons you got married in the first place and see if there’s something you did that can now be changed.  You might need the help of a counselor to make those changes.
Did the communication between you and your ex fall from loving dialogue to harsh criticism or sarcasm?  How did that happen?  If the communication coming from your ex was hurtful, did you swallow that hurt without discussing it with him only to find it coming out of your own mouth?  If your communicating isn’t harmonious, this is a big clue that the marriage is going downhill fast.  Don’t retreat behind a wall of silence.  The only way I know to fix this is to improve your sense of self:  join Toastmasters and become a better speaker.  Get into therapy and learn more about your strengths and weaknesses and how to talk about them. 
My virtual assistant told me that in her early life, her extreme sensitivity to parental fighting put her into a state of speechless shock.  It’s not surprising to know that the very same thing carried forward into her first marriage.  She couldn’t believe that such evil words and angry gestures were coming at her.  I think that an individual’s intrinsic goodness and the fact that he or she wouldn’t consider using this abusive behavior towards any other is what makes them somewhat vulnerable to it.  If you go into shock, please find help via a pastor or a counselor to help you past this stuck spot so that you don’t carry it into another unhappy marriage/divorce situation.
Do you carry a grudge or a long list of “he done me wrongs?”  If you do this, it will be on your mind constantly and by thinking about it, you will recreate it over and over.  You might not be aware that you are doing this.  Watch the way you are thinking and see if you hold a grudge against your ex for his errors.  If you do, look up “how to forgive” on the internet and then get busy doing that work.

Len :: Oct.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

Single – Parenting can be such a challenge.  Here you are, all alone, doing the work of both parents during the time you’ve got the kids.  It’s not easy.  Your ex looks like she’s got the life.

You’ve got the kids full time during the week, and she only has them for the weekend.  She has no homework to help them with each night.  No laundry to wash on the weekend.  Oh and now, she’s got a new boyfriend!  Sweet.  Wish you knew more about him so you could feed those flames burning emotionally inside you?
So, who do you think is the best one to find out this information?  Your kids. NOT NOT NOT!!!

Could you tell I’m really against the idea of using your children to ferret out information that you want about their other parents?
It is a terrible thing to do to your children when you ask them to spy for you on their other parent.  You might couch your questions innocently enough, but they can feel in their hearts that you are prying. If they go to mommy and ask your questions, then she gets mad at them.  And if they don’t have answers to your questions when they come home, then you get mad at them.
Stop a minute here and let’s assume an attitude of maturity.  Who wants to know?  You do.

So who should do the asking?  You should.  It’s just not a good idea to put your kids into this

horrible position of carrying information back for you. It hurts them emotionally and you don’t want to do that, do you?
When you put your child in the middle of something that makes them very uncomfortable, it begins to build up an unloving sense inside them against you. This unloving sense makes them think that by being in the middle that they had something to do with your divorce, and they didn’t.  They should not be burdened with solving your problems. They should not be made into an intermediary or a detective. And carrying information back and forth makes them feel disloyal to one or both parents.  It’s an ugly, emotional stew you’re cooking up for your children.
You might consider that you really don’t need to know so much about your ex’s new life.  If the information only serves to keep the flames burning inside you, why feed that fire?  Try telling yourself “I don’t need to know that.”  See if you can live with that. Or if you absolutely must know, exercise the courage inside you that is just waiting to be used.  Ask your ex yourself.

Len :: Oct.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

When you go through the painful divorce experience, sometimes revenge runs rampant inside your mind, doesn’t it?  You certainly don’t like what’s happened to you.  You want to blame someone because certainly you are faultless and blame free.  You wouldn’t mind it too awfully if someone else hurt as much as you do.  You frequently turn this type of thinking toward your ex, whom you think of as the ogre.  
The bottom line is that is really does take two to tango. Regardless of who is to blame for the divorce, you are one of that partnership and you’re in this specific experience for your own good. I’m going to share with you a few ideas about how to glean that good from all the goop.
Lots of our spiritual leaders have told us to forgive and forget.  Sounds great, but how do we do this with all those raging emotions caroming around inside of us?  Through choice, deliberateness, putting our children first on the list, and being introspective.
Choice.  You always have a choice in your life.  You can live it awash with emotion, or you can choose something different.  You can choose to take a deep breath.  You can share with your children that you are getting in control of your emotions.  Don’t forget:  you are their role model.  You can have a few moments of silence to recover your equilibrium, and then you can choose to deliberately be calm at that very moment.
Deliberateness.  Is it possible your ex will do things deliberately to stir you up?  It’s possible.  Can you do anything about their actions?  You can not.  You can only control yours, so why not decide today precisely what you will think the next time he/she tried to bait you.  How about this:  I am centered in my own truth and the lies that come at me fall away harmless without my emotional reaction.  Or create one of your own.  “I know you are but what am I?” won’t work, so you’ll have to dig deep and come up with something that will work for you.
Put Your Children First on the List.  You want to set an exemplary example for your children.  If your emotions are not in control, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you gossip about your ex in front of them, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you keep an undisciplined environment, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you are unforgiving and you refuse to forget what’s happened in the past, that’s what you are teaching them.  
Forgiveness can be easy.  You simply say the words “I forgive you.”  You follow those words with a good reason for why you forgive them.  “You must be in a world of hurt yourself to say something so hurtful to me.  You must be ignorant of how hurtful those words are to me.  You must be awash in emotions yourself to lash out so.”  You are forgiving and you are giving a reasonable excuse for his behavior to yourself so that you can let go of it.  Drop it and move on with your life.  Forgiveness is for giving yourself your own next best thing.  What a wonderful  thing to teach to your children.

Len :: Aug.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Current Affairs, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

Divorce is literally Death.  It is.  It is the death of a marriage.  It may sound harsh, but it’s true.  When you are served with divorce papers, when you find out he cheated, when he says he doesn’t love you anymore, it all starts here.  The dying begins.  But it’s okay, because on the other side of pain is joy, but to get to the joy you must go through a little pain.  Well, okay, a lot.  To really cleanse yourself of the pain you have to go through the grief, just like when a loved one dies,  and there are stages of grief.  The good news is that everyone goes through these stages at a different rate.  You could skip right along through one stage and then linger in the next.  So here they are.

STAGE 1: DENIAL

This is where you start.  “This can’t be happening to me.” “I thought I did everything right. Sure things weren’t perfect, but what marriage is?”  Sound familiar.  Everyone goes through this stage.  You may even have had an inkling that your partner wasn’t happy, but none the less, it still hits you like a freight train! They want out, and there is nothing you can do about it!  So you deny the truth.  You deny that it’s real. 

STAGE 2: ANGER

There still isn’t any acceptance.  Okay so this is happening to me, but it’s not fair! I don’t deserve this! You are furious! How could he?  How could she? He said he would love you forever! But she doesn’t love you any more! How could God let this happen?  You want to get even. You want to hurt him back.  

STAGE 3:  BARGAINING

You are willing to settle for something that you would never settle for before.  The anger fades and the bargaining begins.  “Please just stay another night.”  “Let’s try one more time.”  “We can get through this.”  But there isn’t any getting through it this time.  

STAGE 4:  DEPRESSION

The bargaining didn’t work. He isn’t staying and you don’t really want him to anyway, but you don’t know what you really want.  It’s over and so is the life I thought I had.  Why even get up in the morning?  The sadness feels overwhelming, but be strong.  There is always hope.

STAGE 5:  ACCEPTANCE

Yes! You are here! The sun is still rising every morning! Your kids are okay.  You are okay.  You can look at yourself and say: “He left.  He doesn’t want me, and I AM OKAY!”  It still hurts. It still makes you mad, but you will make it.  Now we are getting on the other side of the pain.  Here comes the joy!
These stages are briefly exemplified, but they give you a good overall glimpse at what you may be going through.  Your divorce, the death of your marriage, isn’t pretty but you will survive.  Getting to acceptance is the goal and you will make it! Your marriage is done.  You thought you wouldn’t survive it.  You are surviving.  You are thriving.  The marriage is dead, but you aren’t.  You are living.

Len :: Jul.28.2008 :: The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »