This brand new Blog is created for divorced parents. The Blog is going to accompany our new website called Getting Over It The Book where divorced parents will find all manner of practical tips to help you through this challenge. Len Stauffenger is the book’s author, but this blog is being written by his Virtual Assistant, Pat Matson. I don’t know who is more excited, me or Len!
This first post is just a sample of what you’ll be getting from Len: Happy Parenting!
10 Critical and
Effective Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents
Your kids deserve your very best all the time. You’ve only got one chance to mold them into
the kind of adult who is productive, thoughtful, enthusiastic, visionary and
hardworking. You won’t always feel good
about doing what is necessary, but remembering that you’ve only got one chance
to get it right for them will help you do what you need to do. Here are some tips to help you:
1. There Is No Tomorrow. You’ve only got right now, today, to do the
right thing and to be there emotionally for your children.. Once this “right now” is gone, it’s gone
irretrievably. Decide that you will make
the most of every single moment as often as possible. Decide that you will give them your complete
attention even if it means setting your stuff aside. Of course you won’t be at the 100%
level. No one is. But if you decide in this right now moment to
utilize as many of the following right now moments with your kid’s benefit held
at the forefront, they will benefit so from your decision.
2. Begin With The End In Mind. It won’t do any good when your child is
eighteen years old to look back and wish you’d done things differently. Right now is when you get to make the
decisions that will affect his getting to eighteen. Think through what you’d like that to be and
then think about how you’ll have to “be” in the intervening years to help your
child accomplish that. Be sure to listen
to what your child says he wants and weave that into the plan. Help your child become an achiever. Your primary goal as a parent is to give your
children the tools that they can use to lead happy, healthy and successful
lives. That’s all that matters. That is your magnificent obsession. Remind
yourself each day of the goal you’re working towards and remind yourself that
it doesn’t happen in a single day.
3. Your Influence Is Greatest Every Day. Teaching is what you do every time you
interact with your children. And it always happens today. Whether you’re helping with homework, going to watch a
basketball game or sitting down to have dinner, you are teaching them. It
doesn’t matter if you’re having dinner in your kitchen or if you’re a part-time
parent who is having dinner at McDonald’s. What matters is that you’re really there.
You are a guide and an anchor. Know that you are a teacher, that you are a role
model. That’s how you will have the greatest impact on your children. Parenting
isn’t about stirring speeches or big events. It’s about the quiet times and the
little things.
4. Listen To Them. You’ll Be Amazed. Listening to your children is the essence
of being with them. When that little voice in your head is rattling on
incessantly about the past or the future, or coming up with an answer to what
you think they’re saying, you’re not really hearing what they say. If you’re
not present with your children, they know it. What is the message you’re
telling them if you’re not present? They’re not worthy? They’re not important?
They’re not valuable? Stop. Look.
Listen. That means stop what you’re doing, stop watching the T.V., stop
reading the paper, stop thinking about other things. Look. Look into their eyes, you’re less
likely to be distracted when you’re looking into their eyes. Listen. Don’t let
that voice in your head drown them out. Sometimes to make sure I’m listening, I
will repeat in my head what they’re saying.
5. Control Your Emotions. Don’t yell at your children. If you yell
at children, they do not hear you. Instead, you’re simply upsetting them. That
doesn’t mean if you’ve yelled at your children, you’re going to destroy their
psyche. Remember, take the long view. We’re building a foundation one brick at
a time. None of us is perfect. Yelling at your children and upsetting them once
will have no effect on them. Yelling at them the entire time they grow up,
well…..let’s hope that somehow children who have to deal with that eventually
learn how to overcome it. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle. The point
here is that it’s not effective. It’s not promoting your magnificent obsession.
Identify what it is that really triggers that emotion. It’s not your children.
Keep in mind your goal of being a great parent and then create a disconnect.
Emotions aren’t a bad thing. The problem
is that we have triggers that release our emotions without thinking.
6. Be What You Want Them To Be. Even if you’ve never taken a class in
psychology, just about everyone knows that children learn by modeling and the
people they model most often are their parents. Everyone says “I want my
children to be happy.” Well, are you
happy? Do you have honor and integrity? Do you treat people the way you want to
be treated? Are you overly materialistic? Are you moody? This article is not
designed to lay any guilt on you. Feeling guilty won’t make you a better
parent. If there are things you want to change about yourself, then work on it
now. Try to be the best human you can be. There’s a good chance your children
will model your good qualities.
7. Exercise Love not Fear. Don’t belittle anyone and certainly not
your children. Don’t be sarcastic. In other words, drop all the negative stuff.
Most of us make our decisions based on one or two emotions: fear or love.
Unfortunately for most people in this world they’re driven by fear more often than
they are by love. If you want healthy
children, teach them to act based on love not fear. In other words, teach them
to be in the minority. I can tell you lots of things not to do: don’t be
negative, don’t be sarcastic, etc., but what we’re really talking about is
don’t cause hurt. Don’t cause pain. Don’t cause fear. Instead, create love.
Build self-confidence. Let your children know they are safe and protected.
8. Set Rules and Boundaries. Every action has a consequent
reaction. This is a law of nature. Every action of your children has a
consequence. Whatever your rules are,
make sure your children understand them and understand the consequences of
breaking them. Breaking those rules is bound to happen at some point or
another, so be sure you follow through with the consequences - not out of anger
or emotion but just because those are the consequences. Discuss with your child what the consequences
could be. Let your child help to
establish his own consequences. It makes
it a lot easier for you to enforce if he’s participated in their creation.
9. Be Your Children’s Hero. Keep
promises. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you break your promise,
then you’re a liar. Let your children inspire you to be the best you can be.
Children will do as you do, not as you say. I made a commitment a long time ago
that I was going to be John Wayne and the Calvary coming to the rescue and whatever else all rolled into one. I was going to be
their hero. No, I don’t mean their best friend, I mean their hero, a roll
model, a guide, the kind of man they would one day look for in a husband, the
kind of man they would try to create if they had sons. I found my meaning in
life: I would be great dad. What could be more important than that? No matter
what I do with the rest of my life, nothing will be as important as raising my
children. What about you? Will you ever
do anything that is more important than raising your children?
10. Don’t Resist Change. Have courage. You’ve got no choice. People generally don’t like change. We resist
it, even though we know it’s inevitable. We’re all a little bit crazy. That’s
sort of a dramatic way of getting your attention, but you do have to admit that
we all do irrational things. We know that change is inevitable. We know that it
will come into our lives and yet we resist it. We resist change because we
believe it will be painful or we’re afraid it’s going to be painful. But
resisting it is, in itself, painful. So we resist the unknown because it might
be painful. To avoid something that might we create a situation that is
painful. That is a little nuts. It all boils down to the fact that we’re afraid
of the unknown. Most of our actions are based on fear or love. Divorce was
certainly a huge change and it caused all kinds of fear of the unknown. Have faith. Take courageous risks. Create a
stable environment. Don’t make comparisons. Look back from the finish line to move forward. Go out there and really
live. You were meant to do this!
Feel free to email either of us: pat@paperworkpartners.com or lws@stauffenger.com
Big Welcomes!
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Len :: Sep.17.2007 ::
Current Affairs ::
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