Custody of the children is such an important decision when going through a divorce. It’s probably the first thing that you thought of, right? “The kids stay with me!” Well even if you get sole custody of the kids they will be gone on nights and weekends sometime.

How are you going to deal with the fact that they may not live with you all of the time?

What if they only live with you part of the time?

What is really in their best interest? All of these questions are very difficult to answer, but they do need to be addressed, and discussed honestly.

Here are some guidelines to follow:

Schedule a time to meet with your ex without the children.

See what their thoughts and feelings are on the subject and try not to react emotionally. I know that seems impossible, but you will have to remember that everyone involved in the situation is fired up with emotion so taking the emotion out of the situation will make things go a lot smoother.

Prepare yourself.

What are some their possible answers to your questions? Will they want to have the kids all to himself or would they be happy just visiting them? Also, all you can do is prepare yourself. Expect that they may say everything that is your worst fear and deal with what you will rationally do in the situation. You need to ask yourself some questions too. “Am I going to go in fighting to keep the kids, or is it really in their best interest to stay with their dad/mom part of the time?” I know it hurts to even think about, but you will feel better making the right decision.

Talk with your children.

Have a plan in place and tell them what you are thinking. Obviously this will depend on how old the children are, but you would be surprised how much they really understand even at a young age. See what their feelings are.

Have they always stayed home with you?

Would it be beneficial to come up with a joint custody arrangement?

You do need to take into consideration what your children are feeling, but they are only children at this point. You are still the parent for a reason. If they want to go live with dad/mom because he will let them eat candy every day for dinner, then they aren’t ready to help with making such a big decision.

Just remember, no matter what your kids will always be yours. These situations can be complicated, but with a little effort from both parties, very normal, pleasant custody agreements can be achieved.

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For more tips and advice get the book  Wisdom for Divorced Parents. 

Len :: Feb.26.2008 :: Custody Issues :: No Comments »

Divorce is a time in your life where you will be making tough decisions.  You already have made one very tough decision.  No one would make that decision without a lot of thought especially if you are a parent.  You are deciding to start over without the partner that you thought that you would spend the rest of your life with.  In a sense, you need to do some evaluating when it comes to your relationships. Surround yourself with positive people. 

Evaluate Your Relationships

Take a good look at your friends and family.

Who is there for you?

Who has your best interest at heart?

Who makes you ”feel good” when they are around?

  It may sound terrible, but some people will like to watch you fall.  If you really try, you can probably think of some people in your life that may be that way.  You can start by asking yourself what the people in your life add, positive or negative.  You may have a “friend” that you have associated with for years, but if you look closely and honestly they might not be who you should be spending time confiding in. Don’t call that person up and say, “Hey, I can’t talk to you any more.”  Just put a little distance there for a while until you get back on your feet.  You are at a very vulnerable time in your life and you need to be surrounded with people who truly care for you.

Are Your Surrounded by Negativity? 

Negativity can come in many forms and relationships.  If you have a hard time talking with your mom about your divorce because all she says is “I told you he was a jerk,” then don’t talk about your divorce with her.  If you can be around her and keep things a little lighter, then do so.  If it is virtually impossible to to keep things light, then be strong. Tell her you don’t care to discuss the situation any more and when you are with her you are really looking for some relief. 

This goes for all of your relationships.  Your parents will always be there to support you, but sometimes they don’t realize the actual damage that they can do by telling you what you should have done.  It doesn’t really matter does it?  It’s done and even if you made some bad decisions, all you can worry about is right now.  You need to keep moving forward - don’t relive the past.
 Take Action Now

Here are some action steps that you can take to surround yourself with positive people:

• Find a support group of people like you.  Check on line for divorce support groups.
• Start doing things that you enjoy.  Do you have hobbies that you used to enjoy?
• Incorporate exercise into your life.  You can’t imagine the joy it will bring you!
• Look for a singles group that shares your interests.Try to find a meet up group in your area. 

Take a chance on one of the suggestions that I have provided, you have nothing to lose but the negativity!

Len :: Feb.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »