You don’t have to be wealthy to give your children an extremely valuable gift. That gift is to be fully present when you are with them. This gift will provide a stable basis for their childhood from which they can become the adult you are dreaming, wishing and hoping they will become.

To provide this gift for my daughters in what was the biggest opportunity of my lifetime to exercise strength of character, I saw very quickly that the first step in being an effective parent for them was to get my head right. I worked hard to put myself in a place where I was free from the pain of divorce, and free from a connection to my ex so that I could be fully present for my kids, because this gift is what ultimately gave them stability and a place to feel safe.

In order to get free from the pain of divorce, I did a lot of introspective work with a therapist. I knew that I could not come from a place of blaming and call myself healthy. Since I am a long way past those early days, I now can say that in truth, blaming is a sign of vulnerability. In those days, my ex could hurt me.

Divorce is like Tangoing – it takes two to tango.

I did a lot of work to look on at my side of the equation, not just hers. I believe that it pays a major compliment to your ex to acknowledge that in their own time and in their own way, they will handle all of their life challenges and it doesn’t matter how long it takes them. It only matters how long it takes you. It’s important to quit blaming them so that you can handle all of your life challenges. When you understand how to quit blaming, you give that as a gift to your children. Your ex isn’t the only one who did things wrong sometimes!

The kids are the important part in a divorce. 

They are the most susceptible to negative input. They haven’t developed the tools yet not to get hurt when their mom and dad argue, for example, so getting your head on straight is a critical buffering for them, a safe harbor where they won’t have to handle unnecessary emotional trauma.

To be sure that your children receive your full attention and presence, consider the following:

1. Decide here and now that you will give them your full attention.

2. Decide here and now that whenever they speak to you, you will stop whatever you are doing and give them your attention.

3. Set up boundaries for them around tasks where you need your full attention and they cannot interrupt you; e.g. important phone calls.

4. Decide here and now that even if you are in to watching a program on TV, reading a book, talking with a friend, unless you have asked not to be interrupted, you will set aside your own wishes and give them your attention.

5. Decide here and now that your children won’t have to repeat themselves unnecessarily to get your attention. You will give it freely because you are aware they are speaking to you.

It is easy to get lost in our own tasks and become oblivious to the fact that our children are talking to us. An effective attention-getting tool is touch. Touch your children when you are speaking to them and want their full attention. Teach them to touch you when they want your full attention.

I’m not saying that you won’t drift off track occasionally, get lost in your own thoughts and not hear your kids. I’m saying to get back on track and resolve to be more aware. Your kids deserve your attention. Being fully present emotionally and mentally for them is a grand gift and it will result in a stable childhood and stable adulthood.

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Len :: Mar.25.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

Sometimes the simplest tasks seem so hard during a tough time.  I could talk about a million examples here, but I’m going to talk about one in particular, dinner! 

Something as simple as dinner can really make your day complete or totally frustrating.  I have a few tips from personal experience on how to feel like you are doing your “job” as a parent without losing you mind and trying to be like Betty Crocker!

You can take a couple different approaches:

If you really enjoy cooking and feel like it is definitely something that you can make the time for in your current situation, than here is my suggestion:

Pick a day during the week that you like to grocery shop, if you are like me, it’s different every week, but at least it’s a starting point. 

•  Plan ahead the meals that you will make and only buy the groceries for those meals.  That will also save you a lot of money by sticking to a grocery list. 
• Then go through your menu for the week and do any preparation that you can in advance.  If you are making something that requires chopped vegetables, chop them up and put them all in zip loc bags so putting your dinner together will be a breeze. 

Next, you need to realize that casseroles are your “friend.” There are so many wholesome dinners that you can make in a one pan casserole you would be amazed.  You can make three different casseroles for the week on Sunday night and freeze them.  Then all you have to do is pop them in the oven and BAM, dinner!  I’ll have a recipe included in this post that is one of my kids’ favorites!

Finally, if you can’t make dinners all the time or you flat out don’t want to, don’t beat yourself up!  There are other ways to feed your family without going to McDonald’s every night.  Take out is just fine if you pick the right meals at the right restaurants.  Places like Boston Market and Bob Evans prepare wholesome family meals at reasonable prices that you can enjoy and feel good about giving your kids. 

You are going through a difficult transition right now and you can use some solid advice from everything from discipline to making dinner!  Don’t ever close your mind off to new suggestions.  Then just pick and choose what will work for you! Getting dinner together when you are a single parent can either be a horrible chore or an incredible bonding time with your children.

Easy Taco Bake       

Ingredients:                  

1lb ground beef
1 packet taco seasoning
½ lb rotini pasta
1 tbsp. Butter
½ cup taco sauce
1 bag of nacho cheese Doritos
1 bag of shredded cheddar cheese

Directions:

Brown ground beef and drain, then add taco seasoning as directed on the package. (set aside)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a casserole dish combine meat, butter, taco sauce and cheese

Bake for 30 minutes

Crush bag of Doritos and layer on top of casserole!

Delicious!

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Len :: Mar.20.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

When you go through a divorce it feels like you are grieving a death. Basically you are. A divorce is the death of a marriage. It takes time to “get through it”. You need to grieve.

If you have been divorced awhile, you may be ready to start dating again. Before you start to take this important step you need to do some evaluating. Believe it or not, soon you will be ready to find your soul mate!

Do Some Evaluating

• How long have you been divorced?
• Are you kids comfortable with you starting to date?
• Do you feel ready to get back into dating?
• Are you done grieving the loss of your marriage?

Figure Out Your Approach

If you do start dating are you going to be open about it or keep it a secret from your children until you find some one that you want to be serious with? I have seen people take both of these paths. In my opinion, being open from the start is better.

You may be opposed to this at first, but it really does ease them into the whole process. When a parent keeps it from them and all of a sudden is like “WHAM! This is my new boyfriend/girlfriend.” It’s a lot to handle at once.

You need to start dating! How is that going to happen? Are people already trying to fix you up? Do you have someone in mind already that you are interested in? Would you prefer to join some kind of dating service?

This should be an exciting time for you. You might not have been on a date in a long time, but it will all come rushing back. It’s good to get out and meet new people even if nothing develops romantically. You can never have too many friends.

Look at this time as a positive learning experience. You need to keep living for yourself and your kids. And one more thing…. Are you ready to find your soul mate?

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Len :: Mar.18.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

What is a Family?

Families have always been diverse, but today we see more families who have experienced divorce and remarriage. Families come in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t mean that we have to have a mom and a dad in the same house.  Don’t think that you don’t have a family anymore if you aren’t married any more.

A family is where children learn how to grow up.  A family is supportive to children emotionally, spiritually, as well as financially. All families will have strengths and weaknesses.  You can build a successful single parent family if you are able to recognize your own families’ strengths and weaknesses.

Research shows that successful single parent families exemplify the following characteristics:

· Single parents are able to recognize the challenges that they will face by themselves

· Parenting is a first priority for single parents

· There is consistent and fair discipline

· Parents encourage open communication of feelings and thoughts.

· Single parents can recognize the need to take care of themselves as well as the children.

· Single parents maintain some traditions that were started when father and mother were married

· Single parents can learn to manage time effectively.

There are many ways in which family member can build strong bonds with one another by doing simple, everyday activities like preparing meals, reading, riding bikes, cleaning up, and exercising.

Successful single parent families also seem to have a good sense of spirituality.  They all believe in the same thing and focus on common values.  If you haven’t invested much time in religion, this may be something you would want to start in what ever way you feel comfortable.

It is not only possible, but also likely that your family will be a success if you can do the majority of things that are discussed above.  Just remember, there is no one-way to be a family.  They come in all shapes and sizes.

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Len :: Mar.14.2008 :: Caring for your Children, General :: No Comments »