It can be quite difficult after a divorce to feel like you are a “good role model”.  You are at a point where you are feeling like you have experienced some sort of failure.  It’s completely understandable, but untrue! 

Here’s my advice on how to be a good role model:

• When people believe that you should stay married “for the kids” sometimes that is exactly the opposite of what you are achieving.  Getting a divorce may ultimately be the best thing for your children in your individual circumstance. 
• If you were in an abusive relationship of any kind, be it physical or emotional, you are presenting a good example for your children to take a step in the right direction to fix a very hard problem.  Leaving a poor marriage takes a lot of courage. 
• For a marriage to end there are obviously reasons.  In your case, good ones, or else you wouldn’t have found this blog.  It doesn’t matter what anyone says about your divorce, it matters that you know in your heart that you made the best decision possible, with the information that you had available to you.

Kids learn that life is filled with happiness as well as disappointment.  Nothing you do can completely protect them from that.  I know in my heart if I would have stayed married to my ex wife, my children would not be who they are today.  I know that’s hard to think about right now, but trust in you.

Being a good role model is more that being a “married” parent.  Life happens and we can’t always plan everything.  So your marriage didn’t work out.  So what?  What you do from this point on is what matters.  Be the person you want your kids to become.

Len :: Apr.21.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, General :: 1 Comment »

If you haven’t already you will soon be running into battles over where your children will be over holidays.  These situations will be very new and unsettling for everyone involved.  It will be not only hard for you, but also for your children to not be spending holidays with both of their parents. 

There is only a limited amount of time during every holiday and it can be very difficult to try and please everyone involved.  You will be surprised at not only how your ex views this situation, but grandparents and aunts and uncles too.  Everyone will have an opinion, which they think is very logical. There will be reasons why the kids should be with “their” side of the family or who should have custody over Christmas.  Luckily I have had a lot of experience with this and have learned some useful information over the years.
 
The first attempt at resolving this situation should be some type of schedule.  If you have an amicable enough relationship with your ex, you should be able to sit down and come to an agreement on who your children will be with and when.  This is especially important if you have small children since it is essential for them to have some kind of routine or structure.  A sample of a holiday calendar can look like this:

Sample Schedule

•  Thanksgiving…… Dad all day   ( Mom sees kids on Friday)
•  Christmas Eve….. Dad all day
• Christmas Day….. Mom all day
• New Years Eve….. Dad all day
• New Years Day……Mom all day
• Easter………..Dad all day or split the day if you live close to each other
• Mother’s Day…. Mom
•  Father’s Day……Dad
•  Labor Day……..Mom
• Memorial Day…Dad

You also will have to remember that there is no possible way to make every holiday completely fair.  If you do the schedule method then the following year, every holiday switches.  This worked pretty well for my kids and me for a long time.  If you don’t have a good relationship with your ex or your children will be having limited contact with them then expect an adjustment period for your children to understand why they are only with one parent during the holidays.
  
This may not work forever though.  As your children get older, they may prefer to spend more time with one parent during the holidays.  If it is a reasonable request, let them go where they want. 
It is very hard for them to always be shuffled around and they may get to a point when they don’t want to do it anymore.  If they only reason that you may be objecting to them wanting to go somewhere for a certain holiday is that your feelings are hurt, you may want to reconsider.  Don’t make it about you and what you want.  Make it about them. 

We all have to live with our choices as adults.  Even if we made the right choice to get a divorce there still are going to be sacrifices that have to be made on your part for the sake of your children.  They will be adults themselves one day soon and will ultimately have to live with their choices also.  While they are still young, let them be young.

Len :: Apr.14.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

 Divorce can be a time of big challenges.  Because of all the emotions it stirs up, it seems as if you just keep going round and round.  Divorce is like that.  Round and round the whirlpool with nothing to hang on to, lots of advice (that you’d rather not listen to), and a great deal of insecurity and indecision.
Over a period of time, things will begin to settle down, rhythms establish themselves, systems are developed to make our daily doings a little easier, and we get comfortable with this new lifestyle and have begun to develop the virtues and skills to step up to the challenge.
If you are an old hand at being divorced as I am, you can look backwards and see the patterns so clearly.  When you’re new at it, it all looks like a foggy mess. What I discovered about myself through the process of divorce is what I’d like to share with you in this article in the hope that you’ll begin to see some of the way-markers and develop some confidence in yourself.  I’ve found that learning is always so much easier with a guide.

During this time in our life, we tend to focus on the “Why Me?”  Don’t.  You need to look at this as you should every challenge in life.  What will accomplishing this feat teach you about yourself?  Think of the things that you will learn.  How tough will you become?
Let’s suppose that all of these challenges are designed as learning tools so that you can figure out who you are, dig deeply into the wellspring of your own intrinsic nature, and bring up the very thing that will solve the problem.  That would make you one heck of a source, wouldn’t it? That would allow you to display self-sufficiency.  It’s one of the cheapest schools you can attend, this school of Life. 

 The lessons come, you look inside yourself for the answers to the problems, you bring up from inside yourself whatever it takes to “patch the holes,” and you end up with whatever gpa you’ve earned!  Couldn’t be any more handsomely designed. Convenient, inexpensive, instantly at hand.  Who could ask for a better idea?
What it takes to adopt this kind of a mindset is to switch your focus from you looking outward to you looking inward.  There is a whole world inside yourself that changing diapers, wiping snotty noses, fixing lunches, washing clothes on the weekends, dashing off to work after you drop the kids at school – all those jobs you are tasked with that keep you looking outward.  If you can retrain yourself to look within, find out what the lesson of the day is, bring up the answer while you are wiping the noses and washing clothes, you and your children will benefit from your learning.  
I’ve heard in a sermon that while Jesus was carrying his cross, he fell face down in the dirt three times, but every time he stood up, he was a full body length ahead.  Your emotional challenges and problems, courtesy of life and your divorce, can move you ahead too if you will look within for your answers.  You will discover a you who has tremendous capabilities and skills beyond what you currently recognize.  You can destroy your sense of insecurity and indecision. You will develop strong mental muscles and because of this; you won’t need advice from others, and you will become a strong parent for your children.  They deserve as much.  And if you learn how to do this, you can teach your children to see the things that happen in their lives as a lesson to be learned that will help them to unfold the wonders of their own individuality. 

Wow! Can you see our world’s paradigm switching from leaning on others, entitlement, toward enjoyment and self-sufficiency.  Now, aren’t you glad you’re divorced?

Len :: Apr.14.2008 :: General :: No Comments »