Blame.  We all do it.  We blame others for things that they deserve to be blamed for and things that they probably don’t deserve.  Placing blame seems to be a technique that we learn very early on.  When you think of children even as young as two or three years old, you can hear them saying, “She did it.  It wasn’t me!”  Taking responsibility for our own actions and short comings is one of the hardest life lessons  to accept.

Looking directly at ourselves in the mirror can be difficult to say the least.  It’s much easier to point the finger somewhere else.  If you are going through a divorce, I am just going to be frank with you.  You were part of the problem.  You may be saying, “Well he cheated; not me.” Or, “She yelled all the time; I didn’t.”  It makes us feel better to divert the attention of the problem elsewhere.  The thing is, by blaming your ex alone, you may be bandaging the real problem for a short time; but eventually, that bandage is going to get yanked off and the pain will get worse.  The good news is that by accepting your own fault and focusing on what part you played, you just may learn how to avoid this situation in the future.

Let’s look at an example.  Mike cheated on Julie and he has been cheating for a long time.  Right there, you are probably saying, “Mike’s  a jerk,” and you  would be right, because adultery is never excusable in a marriage, but we aren’t going to focus on Mike. It’s obvious that cheating is wrong.  It stands out.  It’s easy to blame Mike, and maybe Julie didn’t really do anything wrong.  What if there was something that she could have done different?  What if she missed the clues all together from ten years ago when she married Mike? Mike was selfish.  Julie inherently knew it early on in the relationship, but thought she could change him.  Mistake.  Julie would never be able to change Mike.  So here is an example of Julie’s role in her current situation.  She wanted to be married so badly, that she refused to look at herself and say, “He isn’t right for me.” 

The examples could go on and on, but the key factor that remains the same is you.  It won’t matter who you are married to if you aren’t honest with yourself.  Can you really take a look at yourself and see your own shortcomings.  Can you say to yourself, “You know what, all I do is nag.  All I cared about was getting my way and being right.”  Now is nagging a huge problem?  Is it a deal breaker in a marriage?  Who knows?

I don’t believe that only one type of behavior breaks up a marriage.  It is a series of negativities: cheating, lying, finding fault, nagging, deception, blame, falling out of love. Whatever the supposed reason for the divorce, it’s never simple.  Don’t worry any more that Mike cheated on Julie.  Yes, Mike was wrong, but what responsibility did Julie have that contributed to the divorce?  What did you do that brought on your divorce?  What can you do better next time?  We all have room for improvement.  If you’ll work to make your improvements, your children’s lives will benefit, and that is the most important thing. You don’t get a do-over with them.

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Len :: Jun.26.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: 1 Comment »