Divorce is literally Death.  It is.  It is the death of a marriage.  It may sound harsh, but it’s true.  When you are served with divorce papers, when you find out he cheated, when he says he doesn’t love you anymore, it all starts here.  The dying begins.  But it’s okay, because on the other side of pain is joy, but to get to the joy you must go through a little pain.  Well, okay, a lot.  To really cleanse yourself of the pain you have to go through the grief, just like when a loved one dies,  and there are stages of grief.  The good news is that everyone goes through these stages at a different rate.  You could skip right along through one stage and then linger in the next.  So here they are.

STAGE 1: DENIAL

This is where you start.  “This can’t be happening to me.” “I thought I did everything right. Sure things weren’t perfect, but what marriage is?”  Sound familiar.  Everyone goes through this stage.  You may even have had an inkling that your partner wasn’t happy, but none the less, it still hits you like a freight train! They want out, and there is nothing you can do about it!  So you deny the truth.  You deny that it’s real. 

STAGE 2: ANGER

There still isn’t any acceptance.  Okay so this is happening to me, but it’s not fair! I don’t deserve this! You are furious! How could he?  How could she? He said he would love you forever! But she doesn’t love you any more! How could God let this happen?  You want to get even. You want to hurt him back.  

STAGE 3:  BARGAINING

You are willing to settle for something that you would never settle for before.  The anger fades and the bargaining begins.  “Please just stay another night.”  “Let’s try one more time.”  “We can get through this.”  But there isn’t any getting through it this time.  

STAGE 4:  DEPRESSION

The bargaining didn’t work. He isn’t staying and you don’t really want him to anyway, but you don’t know what you really want.  It’s over and so is the life I thought I had.  Why even get up in the morning?  The sadness feels overwhelming, but be strong.  There is always hope.

STAGE 5:  ACCEPTANCE

Yes! You are here! The sun is still rising every morning! Your kids are okay.  You are okay.  You can look at yourself and say: “He left.  He doesn’t want me, and I AM OKAY!”  It still hurts. It still makes you mad, but you will make it.  Now we are getting on the other side of the pain.  Here comes the joy!
These stages are briefly exemplified, but they give you a good overall glimpse at what you may be going through.  Your divorce, the death of your marriage, isn’t pretty but you will survive.  Getting to acceptance is the goal and you will make it! Your marriage is done.  You thought you wouldn’t survive it.  You are surviving.  You are thriving.  The marriage is dead, but you aren’t.  You are living.

Len :: Jul.28.2008 :: The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

Choosing a lawyer is like choosing a doctor.  You want to find someone who works well with your personality and legal needs. Just because someone is a good lawyer doesn’t mean he or she is the lawyer for you.  When you’re looking for a divorce lawyer, keep these tips in mind:

Check out the lawyer’s personality.     A hot-headed lawyer is not going to look good for you nor do you much good.  A divorce is stressful; you’ll want a lawyer that stays calm so that he or she can help keep you calm.  Additionally, you’ll want to find a lawyer who is willing to take the time to answer your questions and who understands what is important to you.  For example, if the most important part of the divorce to you is getting a reasonable custody settlement, you’ll want to avoid the lawyer that keeps returning to financial settlements in your discussions.

Don’t underestimate the power of technology.     There are software programs that you can use yourself that can make divorce proceedings such as division of property and child support more efficient. Furthermore, sometimes it’s easier to keep in touch via email when you both are busy (as long as your lawyer isn’t opposed to phone calls and face-to-face meetings when you need more detailed explanations.)

Find someone who is not afraid to be straightforward.     Your lawyer should be willing to be honest with you as well as understand divorce laws.  This honesty comes from his or her knowledge of the law and what the likely outcome will be.  If your request will likely end up  unfavorably to you, your lawyer should be honest.  Likewise, you’ll be stressed during the divorce.  Your lawyer is the one who should remind you what is important and what should and shouldn’t be pursued.

Make sure your lawyer understands the complexity of divorce.     Divorce is not just a legal issue.  It involves the law, crazy emotions, children, property, money – you name it, it’s involved in the divorce.  If your lawyer spends most of his or time talking about winning or losing the legal battle, he or she may have lost sight of everything else that is affecting you.  Find someone who understands divorce support and will be able to help you keep all aspects of the divorce in perspective.

Find someone you can afford.     If you are worried about the legal fees you’ll incur throughout the divorce, talk to your lawyer.  You might be able to change from an hourly fee to a flat rate program that clearly lays out what is involved.

Finding a lawyer is not as simple as calling the first person you find in the yellow pages.  Don’t be afraid to call several divorce lawyers and go on to discuss with them your expectations and specific situation before you make your final decision.  It’s also helpful to ask the people you know for recommendations.

Len :: Jul.22.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

“In  my last entry….I discussed Christy Brinkley’s divorce as an example of how even the “victim” of adultery needed to look at their   “role” in what led up to the split…..I talked about how Ms. Brinkley might want to look at why she chose Mr. Cook ( her 4th husband) out of all the men she could choose from…………just this morning, she and her husband stopped their trial and reached a settlement. The  following is an excerpt from the news story:
 “ It was not clear what sparked the move toward conciliation after days of embittered testimony, but on Tuesday a court-appointed psychiatrist said Brinkley should be granted custody. Dr. Stephen Herman said Cook deserved liberal access to the children, but added that both parents were in need of counseling to deal with their personal issues.
Herman said that the model needs to examine her taste in men and that Cook is a narcissist with a bottomless ego.”

Len :: Jul.16.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

If you are anything like any other divorced parent in the world, you would agree with the fact that it is sometimes hard to keep your cool.  When life is stressful, when your tired, when your irritated, the hardest thing in the world is to have patience and tolerance for your children.  If you are going through a divorce, you will probably find yourself going from one extreme to another.  One minute you are feeling guilty about the divorce and over indulging your children, and the next minute you are so overwhelmed with how much you have on your plate you seem to fly off the handle at any little thing.  This is all very normal, but not productive.

Stress can cause us to act in ways that don’t make us proud.  The first thing that you need to remember is that losing your temper with your children just makes the situation worse.  They are under pressure, too, and are probably acting out a lot more frequently than usual. If you can step outside of yourself for a moment and look at what you are actually losing your temper about, you would probably find it to not be such a big deal. 

The trick is to take some time everyday to take a breath.  In fact, take some deep breaths.  It may seem like very generic advice, but it actually works.  If you find yourself starting to lose it, walk away and breathe.  Evaluate what is actually so terrible at the present moment.  Probably nothing is all that bad. 

When you lose your cool, you end up feeling guilty, and that just ends up in a downward spiral on the road to other bad decisions regarding your children.  You can really make a difference in your own life if you try to make it a daily goal to not yell.  You will be able to think more clearly about what is going on and make better decisions. Discipline will also be more effective if you don’t lose your cool.

When you are a divorced parent going through difficult times and it is hard to keep a clear head, many people make things worse by losing their temper. Don’t be one of those people.  It’s not good for either you or your children.  Think clearly and emotion free.  Be objective not subjective.  What advice would you yourself give a friend that was going through the same situation that you are going through?  You already have the answers; it’s just hard to find them alone when your feelings are all stirred up.  Have confidence in yourself that you are able to handle what ever gets thrown your way and you will be better at keeping your cool.

Len :: Jul.13.2008 :: Caring for your Children, Disciplining Children :: No Comments »

Thanks for your comment, I do like to hear other points of view.  Let me expand on what I said earlier with an example from the media.  I just read the story about Christie Brinkley’s divorce.  Apparently her husband had an affair with a “child”…17 or 18 years old…..plus he paid the girl $300,000 to keep it quiet.  No doubt, he is “the bad guy” here.  I blame him.  It would be kinda crazy to “blame” her.  But,  If I’m a friend of her’s and I’m counseling her,  I want to REALLY help  her.  I would emphasize that she is NOT at fault.  But, I would ask her to examine her “role”  in this drama.  That may be nothing more than helping her see things that she is blind to.  I would tell her: Don’t think of him as your “husband”,  just think of some married guy in his 40’s  that had an affair with an 18year old and paid her to keep it quiet.  What do you think of a guy like that?  

My guess is she wouldn’t  want to date a guy like that let alone marry him.  I mean this is Christie Brinkley, THE beauty of my generation.  It’s safe to say she has a lot of choices when it comes to men.   Now you might say, well she didn’t know he was like that when she married him—and that’s a fair comment.   I recognize that there are times when good people mess up, and yes, even have an affair.  But this is her 4th divorce…nobody should have to go thru that.  Let’s assume she was not at fault in any of those marriages.   She can “blame” all 4 guys OR she can figure out her “role”….(or you can say what she is doing “wrong”)….It may be that what she does “wrong” is nothing more than the fact that she wants to be married to a “successful” man so much so that she is blind to his character flaws.   I have counseled many people whose “story” is that their spouse had an affair and left them”.  Once the emotions pass, almost all of them say there were plenty of “signs”  before they got married, but they ignored them.  People have told me that before they got married, their husband’s brother or best friend asked if they realized how selfish “Joe” was…..but they got married any way.  You can do everything “right” and still get a bad result…that’s life……But, you can improve your chances next time around.  So when I say look at you’re “role”…..it is NEVER to blame. 

It is ALWAYS to try and help avoid making the same “mistake”.  Done is Done.  So, I want to learn from my mistakes….not repeat them.  Thanks again for your comments……they were well thought out

Len :: Jul.10.2008 :: General :: No Comments »