Divorce has held the biggest challenges for me of anything I ever faced.  It’s also one of the areas in which I’m most proud of my accomplishments courtesy of those challenges. I know that single mothers, in particular, struggle with the finances after a divorce, so I’m providing a ton of tips to help you stay on top of this important aspect of life after divorce.
Benchmark Where Your Credit is Right now.
First, make a list of all paperwork that includes all credit cards, all assets, and the contact information for your credit card companies. Secondly, communicate with the credit card companies about your divorce. If the accounts are joint, it’s wise to convert them to individual accounts so that only you have access to them and are responsible for what is spent on them and when the payments get made.  If you cannot convert them, close the joint accounts.
Get A Current Credit Report
The three major credit-reporting agencies, Equifax, TransUnion and Experian, are each required by law to provide consumers, upon request, a free copy of their credit report once every 12 months. You can get your free copy online from www.AnnualCreditReport.com or by calling (877) 322-8228.
Also under same law as above is the following information about you that is available: Your Medical Information: Medical Information Bureau. Your Renter’s History: First Advantage SafeRent. Your Check Writing History: ChexSystems
 
Create a Moving Forward Plan
You might be lucky enough to have no credit problems.  If you’re not that lucky, it’s important to understand that clearing up your credit is wise, so let’s begin today. All it takes is common sense, communicating with the companies you owe money to, and persevering.
If the current monthly payments are impossible for you, call each company and work toward a better agreement.  Be sure to keep your agreement.  Pay all your bills on time and if you can’t, be sure to call and tell them why so it doesn’t go on your credit report.  This is true of credit card companies, your student loans,  your car loan, your mortgage, etc.
Don’t apply for more credit cards until you have a handle on the ones you have.
Good luck and good persevering.

Len :: Sep.23.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

When divorce drives it’s nasty fangs into your life, reasonable agreements isn’t a topic that sits very easily on your lap.  Your own emotions are generally boiling, and it’s more likely that revenge would be more on the forefront than reasonable agreements.
But you are growing into maturity with the help of your divorce, and you now have children to put into the first spot where you used to live, so let’s do think about reasonable visitation agreements.
The majority of parents love their children equally. And your children blossom under the spell of the love of each of  you, so let’s consider some ideas about visitation rights after divorcing.
Father’s Rights are a big bone of contention during a divorce.  You should both sit down and make a list of the rights of the parent who has custody and the parent who does not have custody.  You both do have rights.  Use the internet to see what others have said about this topic.  Consider: how much time each parent should have; don’t over-schedule activities in your visitation period; should the grandparents be considered; how?; creating a child friendly home; summer vacations; how holidays will be handled.  Topics like these deserve your attention and it’s wiser to do it before the time arrives than on the fly.
There is not just one way to establish visitation agreements.  There is your way for you. There is the court’s intervention when necessary.  There are different rules in different states.  The best way is to arrive at a decision between the divorcing parents.  If that is not possible, it can be arrived at through each parent’s attorney.  Keep in mind that the children’s welfare is the ruling decision maker here.
If a parent isn’t living up to the visitation agreement, the court can be a help in enforcement.  Don’t allow the frustration over one parent’s non-compliance to infect the children.  Go to the court for help before that happens.
There are three main topics to be considered: the Schedule, how to make the Exhange, Communication for issues that arise.
Modifications to the Visitation Agreement can be made at any time to reflect the children’s best interests, and both parents should be flexible about this.  In fact, this issue of visitation agreements is contentious and on-going, so  your flexibility will be tested. It might be the only tool left to maintain control over an out-of-control divorce. Your visitation agreement can prevent years of stress and of good benefit for your children.

Len :: Sep.23.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

When you go through the painful divorce experience, sometimes revenge runs rampant inside your mind, doesn’t it?  You certainly don’t like what’s happened to you.  You want to blame someone because certainly you are faultless and blame free.  You wouldn’t mind it too awfully if someone else hurt as much as you do.  You frequently turn this type of thinking toward your ex, whom you think of as the ogre.  
The bottom line is that is really does take two to tango. Regardless of who is to blame for the divorce, you are one of that partnership and you’re in this specific experience for your own good. I’m going to share with you a few ideas about how to glean that good from all the goop.
Lots of our spiritual leaders have told us to forgive and forget.  Sounds great, but how do we do this with all those raging emotions caroming around inside of us?  Through choice, deliberateness, putting our children first on the list, and being introspective.
Choice.  You always have a choice in your life.  You can live it awash with emotion, or you can choose something different.  You can choose to take a deep breath.  You can share with your children that you are getting in control of your emotions.  Don’t forget:  you are their role model.  You can have a few moments of silence to recover your equilibrium, and then you can choose to deliberately be calm at that very moment.
Deliberateness.  Is it possible your ex will do things deliberately to stir you up?  It’s possible.  Can you do anything about their actions?  You can not.  You can only control yours, so why not decide today precisely what you will think the next time he/she tried to bait you.  How about this:  I am centered in my own truth and the lies that come at me fall away harmless without my emotional reaction.  Or create one of your own.  “I know you are but what am I?” won’t work, so you’ll have to dig deep and come up with something that will work for you.
Put Your Children First on the List.  You want to set an exemplary example for your children.  If your emotions are not in control, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you gossip about your ex in front of them, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you keep an undisciplined environment, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you are unforgiving and you refuse to forget what’s happened in the past, that’s what you are teaching them.  
Forgiveness can be easy.  You simply say the words “I forgive you.”  You follow those words with a good reason for why you forgive them.  “You must be in a world of hurt yourself to say something so hurtful to me.  You must be ignorant of how hurtful those words are to me.  You must be awash in emotions yourself to lash out so.”  You are forgiving and you are giving a reasonable excuse for his behavior to yourself so that you can let go of it.  Drop it and move on with your life.  Forgiveness is for giving yourself your own next best thing.  What a wonderful  thing to teach to your children.
Forgetting can be just as easy.  In order to forget, you have to put something else in the place of the thing you want to forget.  If I tell you “Don’t think about purple elephants” you will only remember purple elephants unless you can replace that with another idea – how about green alligators?  For getting your next great idea in place of the emotionally-burdened one, just put another good idea in it’s place.  And then put a guard at the door to your thinking with orders not to let in any purple elephants!  You can ease your children into their maturity with these techniques.  
Become Introspective.  Going within for a few moments when you’ve got some quiet time can be so beneficial for both you and your children.  I came to cherish that last hour of the day when I was alone with my coffee, a book, the TV or just with my journal.  It’s a great way to  sort through the elements of the day, give yourself some distance emotionally from them so that you can decide specifically how you want to handle it the next time.  This could be a great time to read a few paragraphs from an inspirational book and think about how they apply to you.  Just a few moments can grace you with much needed objectivity during your parenting years.
You could continue to seek for revenge, to blame your ex, to nurse your hurt behind drugs or alcohol, or, you could admit that you also played a role; that it does take two to tango.  You can get honest and prevent a second divorce through the exercise of forgiveness.  It’s good for your kids if you do.
 

Len :: Sep.15.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

Most people spend the majority of their time in the past.  Because that is where they spend most of their time, that becomes what is most important to them. From living in the past, they avoid the present; they emphasize their guilt from past failures and, therefore, they are sure they have to pay for these failures in the future; or, they dwell on past hurts or perceived insults.  In those situations, they may be thinking of how they can even the score.  In either case, the past is dictating the future.
The present, the now, the in-the-moment, gets lost.  The present is mostly used as a reminder of past injuries or failures.  You then react to things that occur to you in the present as if you were in the past.  If in your mind you’re in the past, the past then dictates your reactions to people and events in the present.
When your thinking is about the past, that is your point of reference, and whoever you’re dealing with has a big problem because you’re not seeing or hearing him accurately.  Instead, you’re hearing echoes from the past.  Those echoes carry pain in your mind and justify your attacks in the present in return for a past no one else sees and for whom it doesn’t exist.  Do you see how the past can dictate your future?  Think of all the opportunities you could be missing out on.
Here’s an example of something that happened to me just a few months ago. My family decided to meet at a small, local Italian restaurant to eat dinner. We went in separate cars and my younger daughter was in my car with me.  
Just as each of you has done hundreds of times, we were making small talk, and were pretty much oblivious to everything around us.  As we parked the car, a minivan zoomed into the parking space next to mine, slammed on his brakes, got out and started walking toward the restaurant.  He parked so close to my car I literally could not get out of the car.  Before he got away I asked him if he could move his car because I couldn’t get out.  I said it nice, honest.  (I remember I wanted to be a smart aleck about it, but I held back).
He stalked back to his car, yelled something to me about it wouldn’t have been so tight if I had parked in the space correctly then, as he pulled away his side view mirror hit my mirror and he zoomed back into the parking spot.  Now I wanted to knock him out.  My daughter, sweet little thing that she is, was encouraging me to knock him out.  But I’m too old to be fighting. I’m a lover, not a fighter, or at least I hope so.  We walked into the restaurant and, of course, we told the rest of the family what happened. Ironically, they knew who we were talking about because they saw him storm into the restaurant and, in their words “He was nasty to his wife.”
It’s a harmless example, but the point is that he was obviously living in the past.  I don’t know what had him upset.  His past almost dictated an ass whipping. (I am bigger than he is.)
That’s just an example to get you to look at your own situation so you don’t make mistakes like that.  Think of the times when you overreacted because your son left dirty underwear on the floor or your daughter left wet towels on the bathroom floor.  You’re overreacting because you’re really reacting to something from the past – something he’s done dozens of times before, or something he’d done earlier in the day that upset you.
If he had left his underwear on the floor dozens of times before, then you have to improve your parenting skills.  You might be yelling at him about it, but there have obviously not been any consequences for it.  Kids respond marvelously to consequences.
Let me give you another perspective.  There’s a company called The Landmark Corporation which does a wonderful job of teaching people different techniques for avoiding problems like this.  They will tell you that when you have a conversation with someone, you should come from nothing.
When I first heard them talking about communicating from nothing I thought, “Whoa, I’m paying for this?”  Then I started to get it and I hope, in light of the above discussion, it makes sense to you.  Come from nothing.  In other words, don’t assume anything and don’t bring past history into this current episode.  This is not easy to do, but once you get the hang of it, you’d be amazed at how much you were missing.  We usually go into conversations with an agenda or a prejudice - some point we want to make, or information we want to get. 
Try having a conversation with someone without trying to be right, without an agenda, without assuming you know what they want.  Initially, you won’t be able to do this in every conversation but if you just do it once, you’ll get it and you’ll be really impressed with how positive it can be.  And then you can do it more and more often.  Once you get it, it’s the beginning of listening.  It’s also a big step toward giving up living in the past and living in the present.  Once you can let go of perceived insults, when you live in the present, you get to create your future. The past is no longer dictating your future.
 

Len :: Sep.05.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

Divorce is the most painful thing that I have ever gone through.  It brings in a lot doubt about your own worthiness and goodness as a human being.  It makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust anyone else again.  It makes you feel overwhelmed with the tasks you can see ahead of you.
Every good soldier knows not to cross a battlefield without a map of where the land mines are buried.  Your battlefield has become, by default, raising your children in the best manner you know how.  For the sake of the children, it would be great if you and the spouse you are divorcing could sit down and create this plan together.  If that’s not possible, then you need to provide some answers to these questions.  Deciding ahead of the time when crucial issues must be decided will give you an edge.
About The Children’s Feelings

Decide how you will tell your children that you are divorcing. Write it out on paper if you aren’t good with impromptu speeches.

1.  Make sure they know it was not due to anything they did.
2. Tell them what changes you know have to be made and that you’ll make them together. Let them know you’ll try to keep as much the same as you can.
3. Decide that you won’t say anything to them (like making promises) that you can’t follow through on. Their stability leans on your follow through.
4. Decide not to badmouth your ex in front of your child.  He still loves  him or her and deserves to.
   Children need both parents.  Try to keep moving out of the picture.
    
    

About Custody

1. Keep up relationships with in-laws whenever possible.  It’s part of your kids stability.
2.  Decide here and now not to use your child’s time with his other parent as a battering ram to punish your ex.  It will hurt your child.
3.  If your ex doesn’t show up when promised, don’t make it a big deal in front of your kids, no matter how angry that absence makes you.
4.   Decide right now that you will not grill your children when they come home from visiting their other parent about him/her or their new mate.
5.  Keep an information sheet with all statistical data about the child and be sure his other parent and his child care giver has a copy. 
    

About Goals For The Children

1. See if you and your ex can establish the same levels of discipline.  Be reasonable. Examine what TV shows they can watch; what bedtime needs to be honored; what language is appropriate for example.
2. Determine that homework has to be monitored by both of you, not just the parent the child is living with.
   Set up a picture of where you’d like the kids’ achievements to be in x number of years and both of you keep that goal in mind.
3. Don’t permit your child to become alienated from his other parent.  He needs both parents.
   Children thrive when their routines aren’t varied.  Each parent should try to honor the child’s normal routine.
4.  Consistency will help keep your child level and achieving normally.
5. Consequences for misbehaviors have to be kept consistent by each parent.  Decide what they will be and then follow through.
6. Determine what your standards are for achievement in school and each of you work to support the child to achieve them.
7. If your children have special needs, address how they will be supplied by each of you.
    

About Your Feelings

1. Don’t confide your personal less-than feelings to your child. She/he is not a therapist. She/he cannot solve for you.
   You will need some alone time.  Set this up with your ex. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and level – bubble baths; gardening; a hobby.  You’ll  know.
2. Get a coach, a minister, an older aunt/uncle who can help you through tough situations that occur. You’ll benefit from having a support team.
3. You will have to put your children’s needs before your own until they are grown.  Don’t ignore your own needs, however.  They must be addressed.
4. If there are disputes over child rearing, seek the help of an arbitrator. Don’t feel so all alone.
   Admit that you were wrong to  your children if  you were.  They so appreciate honesty and they already knew you were wrong.  Their esteem of you will increase with honesty and you’ll love having an open, honest relationship with them.
    

These ideas are not all inclusive.  There’s a lot more you can find on the internet to flesh these in.  A plan can help prevent negative effects on your children.  It can also prevent a second divorce and they certainly don’t’ need that.

Len :: Sep.05.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »