If there is one thing or idea that I advocate most in all of my articles, is that your children should always come first.   If you’re now divorced and there’s a family event that you think your ex might enjoy attending, you have to consider your child first. 

Ask yourself questions from as points of view as you can.  Will he or she be bringing a date? Do the kids get along with the new date?  Will you yourself feel uncomfortable seeing him or her with someone new? Is there any good reason why he should not be invited?  Have you spoken to the parents, grandparents or in-laws involved?  What is their input?  Have you asked your children how they’d feel if your ex attended?  Was it positive?  Negative? I personally think that if you are inviting your ex to a holiday dinner or even to your wedding, you would be wise to look at this from all the angles.  It would be rude not to invite the new person in your ex’s wife.  You may not like the answers to all of these questions, and it may be easier just to not invite the ex, but it’s not just about you.

Having your ex at an event that you may find uncomfortable, will be a good learning experience for you in how to be mature!  It will be difficult, but helpful nonetheless! 

Decisions that involve more than just you are complicated and there’s no getting around that idea. This kind of decision creates feelings that are emotionally challenging as well, because none of likes to be in a situation or place someone else in a situation where their feelings will get hurt.  No one like to feel hurt, and being in a room with your ex would bring all the old feelings back – the good ones and the uncomfortable ones.  

I think a rule of thumb is to have heart to heart discussions with the majority of people who are going to be involved and get their input.  His/her attendance for some occasions would be arbitrary, and for others, like a child’s wedding, might be mandatory, say, in the case of inviting ex-grandparents to child’s wedding.

If the event involves your ex because the two of  you are co-parenting, then at a minimum let your ex know about the event even if he isn’t invited. That’s only fair.

I know I didn’t provide any 100% answers. I am trying to just give you different approaches to think about.  It will strengthen your sense of self-worth and I’d like that for you.  This divorce thing can be such a touchy situation, can’t it?

Len :: Nov.25.2008 :: Caring for your Children, Custody Issues :: No Comments »

Frequently in a divorce, if you are the custodial parent, the children do their homework at your house under your supervision.  Because the needs of the children should always come first, if a situation arises where they have homework or a project that is due, and it’s their weekend to visit their other parent, that homework task should transfer over to the parent they are visiting.

 
Children know when their parents are consistent and in agreement.  While they might grouse at the time in the face of consistency or agreement, in the long run they will appreciate it.  So if it is at all possible, work to communicate standards back and forth between you and your ex and then let the kids know that you support one another.  I cannot think of one thing that drove me up the walls as a kid when I tried to “work” my parents was to hear either one of them say “What did your father / mother say?”  I knew I’d had it and would not succeed at manipulating them to do what I wanted.

 
Homework is an ongoing demand for children and it deserves as much attention as the work  you do at your job each day.  It is their job.  Don’t minimize their job in any way.  Don’t say things like “Oh this is much easier than when I was a kid.” It’s their task today and honor that.  Support one another and your child with standards like:

 
Penmanship should be legible.  Their homework should look good.
Homework should be complete.  Don’t let them do things by halves.
Homework should be accurate. You check their answers and help them to get the right ones.
 

Share homework duties.  If one of the parents is better at a particular subject than the other, then that parent should help with that subject.  Let the child know you are only a phone call away to help him figure out how to do that homework.

 
When your kids are visiting you and they have homework, establish a place and time for that to get done.  Do the hardest homework first and then take a break.  Your kids will appreciate your help with this, regardless of which parent is helping them.

 
When your children know that you place a high importance to them getting their homework done, it creates continuity, a sense of priority, and a sense of love.  They deserve these comforts and they deserve to see homework, not as a curse, but as an accomplishment that both his parents support.

Len :: Nov.19.2008 :: Caring for your Children, Custody Issues :: No Comments »

Do your children come home from a weekend with your ex in an altered state?  Do you wonder if they’ve experienced a close encounter of the third kind?  Are their behaviors drastically different than during the time when they live with you?

 
It’s important for your children that you discover the whys of this behavioral change. Is he not getting any discipline when he’s away from you?  Is he neglected and left to his own devices at your exs? Is he abandoned while your ex chases a new skirt? Or if he’s staying with mommy, is she watching TV or absorbed in a novel while the kid runs rampant? Or is the child indulged to a point beyond spoiling and given everything he wants when he’s visiting the ex?

 
Your child deserves continuity.  This means that the rules should be the same at both dad and mom’s house.  Have a chat (out of earshot from your child) with your ex about continuity.  Don’t be blaming or making him/her feel guilty.  Simply work toward what is best for your child and know that each of you wants that. Talk about each behavior you see that comes home to you in an altered state and communicate with your ex about how to prevent it for the sake of the child’s continuity and emotional stability. You ex may not agree with you, but at least you will know that you did address the issue for the sake of your child.

Now of course, each household will reflect the persona of the mom or the dad and they cannot be precisely identical for the sake of the child’s continuity.  You might just have to allow your kid a few hours grace while he adjusts back into your way of doing things when he comes home from your ex’s home.  The kid’s change in behavior is most likely to be expected, so cut them a little slack, and remember that they are still dealing with the idea that the two of you are divorced and they don’t have themselves wrapped around that idea fully yet.  These visits bring up that idea all over again, so be patient and understanding while they adjust to being back at your home again.

 
If your ex thinks that allowing your kids to eat junk food, party hearty while they are with him with no consideration for bedtimes, and if your conversations with him about this have been ineffective, then here’s a comforting thought that I’d like to leave you with:  Eventually (when they mature) your kids will recognize the difference and will applaud you for your value-driven decisions.

Len :: Nov.19.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: 2 Comments »

Hi there!

Have you ever wanted to be a published author but didn’t know all the steps it took?  Here’s your chance.  We are putting together the best stories we can find about “How I Found Out I Was Getting A Divorce”.

You might think of this as the “How I got Dumped” story.

My name is Len Stauffenger.  I’m a tax attorney by day in Akron, Ohio but my real love is sharing the wisdom I unfolded when I became a Divorced Dad.

I was overwhelmed by all the challenges that seemed to slam me up against the wall during the early days of my divorce, but as I kept putting one foot in front of the other, I discovered that I was becoming stronger with every decision I felt called upon to make.

Eventually, my two daughters grew up and I no longer had to worry about being divorced.  I found the woman of my dreams and we settled down into our lives.

It is in my nature to share with others, and I began to feel compelled to share the understanding I’d gained in going through my divorce.  So I wrote and published a book called “Getting Over It! Wisdom for Divorced Parents.”

If you haven’t read it yet, you can buy a copy at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com/.

After my book was published and the website became active, I started to look for another way to help people go through the trauma of divorce.

I knew how much help writing my story was for me, so I came up with the idea of publishing other people’s stories.  There are so many lessons learned inside these stories.  Writing the story will help you, and sharing it in a book will help others.

We want you to tell us your story about “How I Found Out I Was Getting a Divorce.”  Your confidentiality will be protected. If chosen, your story will be used with just a first name (you can even make one up) and the state you live in (and you can make that up,  too.)

We have a team of reviewers who will be reading your story, making sure the grammar is perfect, and selecting those stories that are the most universally appropriate for our reader base.

We can’t guarantee that your story will be included because we will be getting a LOT of stories. We do guarantee that you will receive a FR*EE book.

We also are working on “Horror Storieds From Divorce Court.” If you’d care to contribute to that book, too, we’d love it. The more humorous, the better. Whether you contribute to the second  book or not, for your participation, you will get both ebooks free.

If you have friends or family who have great stories that would fit into our two ebooks, please send this email to them and invite them to send us their story.
We hope you will tell us your story. It doesn’t have to be very long – 400 to 1200 words would be perfect.
IMPORTANT:  Please copy and paste the following Permission Paragraph into your email when you email your story to my Virtual Assistant.  pat@paperworkpartners.com

I, _________________(YOUR NAME HERE), give Len Stauffenger the permission to use my story in either of his ebooks -  “How I Found Out I Was Getting a Divorce,” or  “Horror Stories From Divorce Court.”

Here’s a Check List for you to complete :

 -Write a 400 to 1200 word story about “How I Found Out I Was Getting a Divorce,” or  “Horror Stories From Divorce Court.”

- Email it along with the Permission Paragraph to pat@paperworkpartners.com

- Forward this email to your divorced friends.

- Receive the two ebooks as soon as they are compiled.

Imagine!  Soon, you’ll see your name as a published author!

Sincerely,

Len :: Nov.10.2008 :: Current Affairs :: No Comments »