When you are new in your divorce, and you’re still sorting through all that needs to be handled and when you don’t have the money to pay someone else, this is a great time to learn to do home repairs yourself.  You, too, can become Josephine the Plumber – for those of you who remember those commercials for Comet Cleanser.

 
There is a great site for teaching women how to do home projects (they have over 200 projects currently posted) at www.BeJane.com.  

 
Make friends with your local Do-It Center employees.  Tell them what you want to do and see if the store might be holding a how-to class.  If not, ask the department personnel to explain what you need to do, and what you need to purchase to get that job done.  

 
The next part happens when you arrive on your home front with everything you purchased and a feeling of overwhelm about how to begin.  A tip that’s gotten me to the end of a project is to ask myself at the beginning:  “Can you see ONE step to take?  Can you take that one?”  The next one always shows up.  It takes willingness, perseverance and bit of courage to begin, persevere through all the steps and then enjoy your handicraft.

 
Go to used book stores and purchase How-To books.  In this day of the internet, all of those old How-To Encyclopedias can be had for a song, and then as the projects show up, you’ll be at the ready to dig in there and do it.

 
Be creative.  I knew a lady who wanted to replace a garbage disposal.  It’s kind of tough to hold it up underneath the sink and tighten it down from above, so this very creative lady got the jack from her car (you do know how to use a jack, right?) and jacked the disposal in place while she worked on it from above.  Clever girl!

 
Keep all your tools together in an easy to carry container.  Plastic cat liter containers are great and if you’re handy sewing, you can make an apron with pockets for it to hold tools on the inside and on the outside.

 
Watch the television shows about Home Improvement.  You can learn a lot from watching designers re-do homes with the help of their talented handymen.  Those fellows have great tips for making the jobs easier.

 
There are toolkits designed for women. Frankly, I cannot for the life of me see the difference except for color.  Functionality is the most important benefit in a tool.  Color does not improve functionality.

 
Do research on the internet.  The internet is today’s library and contains  up the minute advice on how to accomplish any project.

 
You can if you think you can!

Len :: Dec.31.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

When I explained to my mother-in-law that her daughter and I were getting a divorce, I have never forgotten what she told me “Well, Len, you can divorce her.  But you cannot divorce me.”

 
You, my reader, are probably a younger person than I am.  But you will one day recognize what I’m going to tell you right now.  Being a Grandparent is the culmination of a life filled with all kind of experiences, and those grandchildren are one of the best of all experiences.

 
Having a child is wonderful, and when you have your own child, somehow, someway a sense of responsibility comes up from inside you.  You want that child to have a better life than you did.  You are willing to sacrifice yourself to make that happen.  You want that child to be happier than you were and you get very creative in making that happen.  You want that child to experience a vast array of things:  different foods, wonderful classes, a variety of activities.  You make some of these things “have tos” and you work them into your budget because you want the best for your children.

 
Grandparents play a role in all this, too.  They want your children to have what you want them to have for the most part.  They buy the child birthday and holiday gifts at your suggestion.  They might hold a different opinion than you as to what your child needs, but for the most part, they try to provide as you’d like to see that child provided for.

 
Basically, aside from the gifts and the events, something wonderful happens inside a grandparent from the time they gave birth to you until the time you give birth to their grandchild.  They learn a lot.  They’ve become confident.  They can see the patterns that run through life.  They know that many of the things you want for your children (and they wanted for you) are not as important as they once thought.

 
Better yet, they do know what IS necessary.  They know that your baby only requires one thing from them – unconditional love – and they love to give that to your baby, their grandchild.  And your child needs that unconditional love.  They need someone to love them without any other expectations such as you have for them:  homework doesn’t have to be done at grandmas house; pets don’t need to be fed; bed making doesn’t have to be mandated.  It’s all about “being with” your grandparent and being loved while in his presence.

 
Grandparents know that playing is important and they have more time to play with your kids than you do.  Grandparents love to teach your kids how to garden, or make cookies, or build a birdhouse …. things that you can’t get to because you’re busy with the basics of cooking, shopping, laundry, lawn mowing and the like.

Len :: Dec.27.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

“I had my sons all spit shined and polished for their visit with their Dad one Saturday.  They had on their better clothes.  Their shoes had been polished.  Their hair was combed and jelled.  I had them sitting on the couch waiting for him so they’d stay clean and look good when he picked them up.  They sat there for over two hours.  He never showed up.  He never called.”

 
When my friend told me her story, I got a hard lump in the pit of my stomach over so many ideas screaming through my mind.  Why could a man be so thoughtless?  How abandoned those little boys must have felt.  She must have been enraged at all she saw happening because of what she saw that was not happening. And it prompted this article for you.  How can you make sure to protect your children against this kind of abandonment?

 
My friends sons still love their dad despite the abandonment.  Kids are like that. But abandonment throws a wrench into the works that simply isn’t necessary for children. Abandonment can shatter the self-worth of a child.  He internalizes his having been abandoned by his parent and blames himself, because if he was worthy, he would not have been abandoned, right?  Fathers in particular, because they are generally viewed as Superman by their children, hold a great deal of power and wield a mighty blow to their children when they abandon them as my friend’s ex husband did to his children.

 
What should you do if your kids experience this kind of abandonment?

 
* Ask them how they feel and let them talk out all their feelings.  Ask them questions until there are no more questions.
* Let them write a letter to their abandoning parent and tell him/her how they feel. Don’t edit the letters. 
* Create a place where they can do art around the event.  Let them draw what they think love from that parent looks like.  Or let them cut and paste how their feelings look right how.
* Use hand puppets with the children or if more than one child is involved, all three of you play with the puppets and act out what happened and how they feel about it.  Let the puppets do the talking.  
Your children will have their issues.  Their issues will stretch them.  It’s important that you work to minimize what accosts them so that it’s not too much, too soon.  Helping them to handle abandonment by their other parent so that they understand it wasn’t his fault will go al long way to growing up a healthy child.

Len :: Dec.26.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

 If there every was a time in your life when emotions run rampant, it’s when you’re going through a divorce.  Wouldn’t you agree?  There you are – you think your life is totally working when the rug gets pulled out from under your feet.  

 
You might feel shocked, dismayed or terrified.  You begin to run “what if” scenarios through your mind and that frightens you even more. And then there’s anger, or maybe you’ve even escalated into rage.  Those emotions can make you blind.  Not physically blind, but you would be blinded to anything that appears reasonable.

 
So what can you do to get a grip on these raging emotions?  Time to process the ideas helps a lot and so does some distance from the event and person involved.  One of the most useful things I’ve discovered to make myself rational again is to journal.

 
What’s journaling – for those of you who might be new to the idea? There are lots of definitions on the internet.  This is the one I like the best:  Writing to create a record of thoughts and feelings that a writer can return to.  

 
It might seem crazy to you if you’re in the throes of some emotional event right now.  I can make some promises to you: if you will write down what is going on without any kind of filtering, and you will let it sit there for some period of time, and if you will add the next emotional events to it and let them sit for a while, when you go back and re-read it, your emotions will be diminished from the first time you wrote it.  

 
You will begin to see patterns.  You will begin to look at things more objectively.  Objectivity will allow your ability to reason to work, and those horrible feelings you were once feeling will drop away somewhat to permit you to see other options.

 
You will begin to see the patterns and observe how things fit together.  If you are journaling about your ex and the problems you two are experiencing, you’ll begin to see how he traditionally comes at things, and how you do.  You’ll be able to eventually move from reacting to his shenanigans to simply observing him and thinking “There he goes again with the blame game or with the I’m innocent game.”  And you’ll move from subjectivity to objectivity just through your journaling. It’s an inexpensive, but powerful technique.

 
Another bonus will be in discovering your own M. O.  You might observe yourself whining repeatedly, or blaming, or freezing emotionally in shock, or whatever it is you are currently doing to protect yourself from feeling bad when you interface with your ex.  Well, that can help you too if you notice what you are doing and work to make those corrections.

 
To have a great journaling experience, I recommend finding something to write in that lays flat. Make sure you have a pen that you love to write with.  My assistant uses one with purple ink! Choose someplace quiet to journal so you’re thoughts can flow without interruption. You single parents – after the kids go to bed is a great time. This isn’t about spelling or grammar perfection so don’t obsess over that.  Just get the words down.  Or, hey, maybe you’d like to just put the story down in pictures? Whichever method or style you choose, please choose one and then do it.  It’s the cheapest therapy available.

Len :: Dec.22.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

Surely one of the most emotionally-charged times of your lifetime is the time you are forced to process the ideas involved in your divorce.  Many, many fears will raise up during this time.  Questions about the future will be there in abundance.  Planning for that future is necessary.

 
If you are going to become (or already are) a single parent, then the responsibility for raising your children might well fall onto your shoulders.  If the other parent is in that picture as a co-custodial parent, so much the better.  But one way or the other,  you are financially, spiritually and physically responsible for your child, his welfare, his education, and his stability.

 
You’ll need a good job with a good salary to accomplish this child-raising task and you’ll need a great education to get that good job.  So let’s get busy and determine what your options are:

 
Benchmarking:  Here are some questions to ask yourself to see what your current situation is.  Where are you right now?  Do you have a place to live?  Do you have adequate furniture and the other things it takes to keep house?  Do you have good transportation?  Have you a custody settlement plan in place with a good attorney?  Are you working on a Parenting Plan you can both agree upon?  

 
Next steps:  If you have answered in the negative for any of the questions above, you can take one more step.  What can I do to change my current situation?  Who can I put on a list of My Support People?  Are there community resources available to help you achieve what you desire in any of the areas above?  Would you be willing to take the Parenting Workshops offered by many states?

 
Make a New Plan:  Keeping your child’s welfare in the forefront of your mind, what are the ideal pictures you have for a good life for that child? For his education? For his stability? For helping him to mature?  Is your current job enough to accomplish your ideal plan?  What else do you need to do?  Do you require more education?  Where can you get it?  Does the training institution have education funds you can use?  

 
A Career Path:  You will need to see yourself getting raises, promotions, having a successful career in order to raise your child well.  What does that look like to you?  Where do you see yourself working – in what industry?  What career is really appealing to you even if you might not be working in that career right now? Working to achieve these dreams will set a wonderful example for your children to work to achieve their own dreams. Let them know they can help you to achieve “our” dreams even if it’s just giving you some quiet so you can get your homework done.

 
Telling Your Child About the New Plan:  Always include your children in your plans.  Let them know what you are working toward.  Tell them how they can help you to achieve your plan. Tell them how, when you achieve your plan, it will benefit them. When your newly divorced life becomes “our” new life, it helps bring comfort and a sense of stability to your child so they can do well in their own experience.  And a good plan will help you to put all those early-on fears to rest.

Len :: Dec.20.2008 :: General :: No Comments »