My daughters sometimes came home laughing and lighthearted after a weekend visit with their mom.  I would listen to them cavorting, and while I was happy for them that they’d enjoyed their time with her, until after my therapy work, I used to fuss and cluck inside my own head about it. “Oh sure, go and have fun while I’m stuck here with laundry and house cleaning.”  “She doesn’t have to make them toe the line for anything.  All they do is have fun visiting her.” “I wish our times together were just fun and laughter, but no, I’m the one who has to make them get their homework done, or do the dishes after supper when they want to whine.”

 
I know, I know, it was a pity party and I had a small violin to accompany myself too.    I’m pretty sure there were a few times when those nasty thought oozed from my mind right out the front of my face, but I know for the most part, I tried to keep them to myself.

 
Why, you might ask, knowing full well you let them slip out of your mouth too?  Well, I have several good reasons.

 
1) I needed to grow up.  You probably do too.  What possible good can come from laying this one all over your kids’ good time?  Nothing.  You just add guilt.
2) The kids were unaware of my situation and they didn’t need to be right at that moment.  There’s a time for everything, and that was not good timing.

 
3) Kids deserve to have lighthearted, simple joy in their lives.  They need to be “in the moment” and when the moment is filled with joy, well, why would you want to disturb that?

 
4) The reasons for the divorce had nothing to do with your children.  Don’t lay your work off on to them.  If you struggle with their joy, go get some help to restore the joy to your own life so you can have those joy-filled moments with them too.  You deserve it as much as they do.

 
5) The maturity to keep your problems to yourself and not share them with your kids provides a life-long benefit to your children. They might assume those problems as theirs to solve, and you wouldn’t want to place that burden on them.  Talk to your own friends if you need a sounding board and let your kids grow up more gently and gradually.

Len :: Dec.18.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

When  you’re divorced, it’s the better part of wisdom and also the better part of a good Parenting Plan to provide the necessary information for all the pertinent people in your children’s lives. 

 
I’m going to suggest a list of topics to be considered here and then leave it up to your good intelligence to fill in the blanks and distribute as necessary to those who need this information the most.  

 
Use caution when you distribute this information.  Make sure the person you give it to treats it as Personal and Confidential.  Consider providing a copy for your ex, his parents, your parents, your children’s school and your children’s child care provider. Omit information not needed by the one you give it to – social security number, for example.  In our era of Identity Theft, it’s wise to be cautious.

 
Child’s Name
Date of Birth
Current age
Sex
Social Security Number
Allergies
Doctor’s Name
Custody Options/schedule – weekly, vacation, holiday
Homework Agreements
Primary Residence

   Address, Phone, Cell
Secondary Residence

   Address, Phone, Cell
Exhange Agreements
Who has permission to pick up from school?
School, medical, and court records sharing
Communicating Emergencies
When a parent is moving
Activities – scouts, little league, dance classes etc.
Transportation
Dating Considerations
Extended/blended family

Authorization for medical treatment form
 
Communication between divorced parents can be very challenging.  If it’s at all possible, and to avoid confrontation, make an effort to communicate in writing.  If you create the above form, it should help smooth out a lot of bumps.  By using specific fields above versus writing large paragraphs of data, you can avoid miscommunicating.
Be courteous when you communicate with your ex.  Keep it factual.  Your children deserve to know that at a minimum, daddy and mommy can still speak to one another civilly.
Ask the school to send notices to both parents.  You both need this information.  You both need to read it and make yourself aware of what is going on with your child, particularly if you share custody across the school week.

 
If the information and communication sharing causes flare-ups of your emotions, please don’t share these emotions during communication interfacing.  Use a friend’s shoulder, or address it with your ex at a time other than when you need to communicate important facts about the children.  Use common sense; be mature and save the emotional communicating for another time.

 
Another practical tip:  don’t count  on your children to carry this information to your ex for you.  Be a big girl/boy and do it yourself.  It’s a burden for your children and they don’t need that from you. Do this kind of communicating when those little ears cannot hear you.

Len :: Dec.17.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

You are going through a divorce.  You are hurting over it.  I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your welfare in this event has to be pushed aside for a moment if there are children involved.  When you are going through a divorce, your children’s thoughts and feelings have to get put at the top of the list of priorities. 

Growing up is challenging.  Divorce challenges you to grow up and you’ve already got years and  years of life experience under your belt.  It’s hard for you to handle, but you’ve got children to consider and they don’t have the experience you’ve got.  It’s doubly hard for them to handle.  So here are some things you might tell them to ease the blows of your divorce.

“When the judge makes a decision, he does it by seeing what will benefit the children the most.  Your daddy/mommy and I will be using that same idea.  We want what is best for you and that comes first with us.”

“I know that this is difficult for you.  It’s difficult for me too, but we can be here together and go through this difficult thing together, okay? I’m not going to let anything bad happen to  you.  I’m going to take care of you always and forever.”

“You know how everyday we have daylight first and then we have nighttime?  And do you remember how some days are sunny and some days are kind of grey?  That’s because Life is about CHANGE.  Can you tell me some other ways you can see change happening? Red lights, green lights.  Cold milk; warm milk.  Well, our life has a big change and it’s called divorce.  Some of the days you’ll live with mommy at her house and some of the days you’ll live with daddy at his house.  That’s a change, too, isn’t it?”

“Have you seen mommy and daddy arguing?  How does that make you feel? Mommy and Daddy argue too much and we are having a tough time stopping.  We have decided to get a divorce and mommy will be moving into another apartment.  You’ll spend some of the time with her and some of the time with me.  This is not your fault.  We think you are our perfect child and we tried really hard to stay together, but it has to happen like this.  You didn’t do anything to make it happen.  Mommy and Daddy made it happen.”

When you tell your children about the divorce, create a setting that is fun for them – like a park – and when you’ll have plenty of time for the discussion.  It should be on a non-school day so they will have time to ask lots of questions and get the answers they need.  They probably know that something is going on, so have an open discussion with them.  Assure them that they are not to blame.  Let them know what they can expect.  If they ask you why this is happening, they don’t mean the divorce.  They mean “Why is this happening to me?”  Assure them that you will help them to get a grip on this big change, that you and your spouse want the best for them, and that you’ll be working together to take care of them.

Len :: Dec.16.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »