I don’t know of one family that doesn’t experience anger when raising children is involved. All too frequently, this anger gets pointed at the children.  I think it’s highly likely that in many circumstances, our anger can be traced back to some doubt or fear that we, as parents, have been harboring.

 
In many therapies, there is a differentiation between what is the trigger for a specific emotion and what is the source.  I think that when it comes to raising kids, their behavior (or the lack of it) is the trigger, and our own doubts and fears is the actual source. Let’s look at some situations that seemingly trigger angry outbursts from us to our children and let’s work to discover what the underlying fears might be.

 
You become angry when your children don’t obey you, or when they fall short of what you expect from them.  You become frustrated.  This is because you don’t know enough about how to effectively manage their behavior.  Pre-school teachers and grade school teachers have learned these skills and thus don’t experience the anger you do. 

 
Adults who understanding behavior management in children know that there must be consequences for errant behavior.  It is most helpful if you will arrive at the decision you frequently arrive at currently after idle threats:  you REALLY MEAN what you say.  It is this determination that you mean what you say that communicates over to your child and they quickly learn not to avoid your wishes, wants and desires.  If you couple “meaning” along with “consequences” your child will be well served through this determination.

 
As your days roll along, please consider if you are getting angry due to any of these reasons:

 
You feel you have no freedom in your life because you have children
Your kids are tapping you out financially and you’re frustrated because you feel trapped in your job
Long days are wearing you down physically
You have a sense of “I don’t want to deal with it now”
Your kids whine to get your attention
Your kids tug at you because you aren’t listening to them
Your kids fight among themselves
 

You must seek help to find a way to deal with these things.  A therapist might be just the ticket.  Your parents may have good advice.  Perhaps a minister could help.  Whatever it is, don’t allow your anger over these things to continuously spill over at your children. You need professional, or at a minimum, mature help to find a better way if you identified with any of the items on the above list. Listen to music away from the kids.  Take some deep breaths.  Call a friend.  Then spend a few moments reconnecting with your child.  Don’t let the anger get between you.  He deserves your loving communication and so do you.

Len :: Jan.29.2009 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

When I first got divorced, It was hard to imagine being married again.  Obviously, after the dust settled on my divorce I began thinking about Miss Right.  When or if she came along, would I know?  I thought I knew last time, but that didn’t work out.  Would I even be desirable being a single father? 

All of these questions and more, I’m sure are running through your head also.  It’s natural to wonder who we will end up with and will it be forever, especially since we already thought we said “forever” once. 

While I fully believe in dating and finding someone to love again is very important and fufulling, it’s not essential.  You need to focus on your own likes and dislikes, your children’s well being, your family that sourrounds your, your true friends, and your finances. 

There is a time and place in your life when you will meet someone to spend your life with.  You have to have faith in that and then put it aside.  Enjoy the journey you are on currently.  You get a chance to start over.  I don’t just mean with another companion.  It will come in time.  You have plenty to be thankful for right now.  You just need to look around!

Len :: Jan.23.2009 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

I know that this is a very controversial topic for most parents.  I’m just going to go ahead and give you my opinion and you can do with it what you will!

It’s very simple, discipline is all about teaching your children that you are the boss.  You are in charge and they have to respect that.  You are the parent for a reason.  You have more experience and you are responsible for molding your children into successful, functioning adults.  I’m not saying that this always happens even if you do everything right, but I agree with the opinion that parenting has everything to do with how a kid turns out.

If you can teach your childrent to respect you before the age of four, your are well on your way.  Think of all of the things that we learn before that age.  We learn how to walk, eat, play, lie, etc… things we never forget.  If you get your kids on track before they are in school, it’s almost as if you implant on to their brain, that they need to listen to what you have to say.

Every child has different personalities, that’s for sure, so you need to figure our what type of personality that you are dealing with in your own child.  For example, when my oldest daughter was growing up, she was very concerned about my approval.  She hated if I was dissapointed in her.  I never had to spank her, because giving her a certain look what cease whatever behavior she was doing that I didn’t like.

My youngest daughter, Emily, was another story.  She couldn’t care less about my approval as a child.  If she wanted to to something, she didn’t care what anyone else had to say about it, including me.  When she was three years old I specifically remember telling her time and again to not climb up on the kitchen counters.  Everytime I turned my back, she would do it again, and again.  I didn’t know how to get her attention.  I did the time out thing, put her in the corner, would take away toys.  Nothing, Nada!  She kept going.  I finally resorted to spanking.  It worked with her.

Now it wasn’t like I beat her, but I would warn her once and then she would get a spanking if she continued to behave badly.  It corrected her behavior.  The good thing about this is that I don’t think I had to spank her beyond age four.  She had learned to respect me.  Both of my daughters developed very open communication and I think a lot of it is a result of disciplining them as little kids.  So find out what method works for your children and be consistent!

Len :: Jan.20.2009 :: Disciplining Children :: No Comments »

Sometimes the hardest thing for anyone to do in this world is to have faith.  I don’t just mean in other people, I mean in God.  There are so many times in all of our lives when there are no answers ready for us at the time we want them to be ready.  By nature, we have little patience.  I had virtually none, but I learned! 

When you look back on your life, think of all of the times that you were worried or scared.  Some how you are still here to read this blog entry.  Some how you survived whatever you were so worried or scared about! 

Now think back on many times in your life when you thought that things were going really great and then out of nowhere, you are blindsided by a problem.  There was no way to predict it.  It just happened.

Now I know I might butcher this quote but I love what it means… “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  My advice,  write this quote down somewhere and read it everyday.  When you are going through a divorce this quote could come in very handy. 

There will be a million things that we can change and a million things that we can’t!  If you can teach yourself to know the difference, you can then begin to rely on having a little faith when it comes to the things you can’t control!

Len :: Jan.19.2009 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

If you have small children, keeping them busy and out of trouble while you do needed things around the house if very difficult!  I know my daughter, Sarah , has two kids who are five and three!  She works from home and needs them to listen and occupy themselves for part of the day.  This is what she does. 

1.  Wear them out!  Play with them in the morning feed them a good lunch and designate “Quiet time” even if they don’t nap.

2.  Make room for a playroom in some area of your house where your children can be monitored, but aren’t directly on top of you.

3.  Be Strong!  If you tell your children that you need to do some grown up things and can’t give them your undividede attention, don’t feel guilty!

4.  Limit your time of working on other things to a couple hours a day. 

Kids are very adaptable and will be just fine as long as you develop a routine!  Stick with it and you will be surprised how well they can do!

Len :: Jan.15.2009 :: Caring for your Children, Disciplining Children :: No Comments »