“I had my sons all spit shined and polished for their visit with their Dad one Saturday.  They had on their better clothes.  Their shoes had been polished.  Their hair was combed and jelled.  I had them sitting on the couch waiting for him so they’d stay clean and look good when he picked them up.  They sat there for over two hours.  He never showed up.  He never called.”

 
When my friend told me her story, I got a hard lump in the pit of my stomach over so many ideas screaming through my mind.  Why could a man be so thoughtless?  How abandoned those little boys must have felt.  She must have been enraged at all she saw happening because of what she saw that was not happening. And it prompted this article for you.  How can you make sure to protect your children against this kind of abandonment?

 
My friends sons still love their dad despite the abandonment.  Kids are like that. But abandonment throws a wrench into the works that simply isn’t necessary for children. Abandonment can shatter the self-worth of a child.  He internalizes his having been abandoned by his parent and blames himself, because if he was worthy, he would not have been abandoned, right?  Fathers in particular, because they are generally viewed as Superman by their children, hold a great deal of power and wield a mighty blow to their children when they abandon them as my friend’s ex husband did to his children.

 
What should you do if your kids experience this kind of abandonment?

 
* Ask them how they feel and let them talk out all their feelings.  Ask them questions until there are no more questions.

 
* Let them write a letter to their abandoning parent and tell him/her how they feel. Don’t edit the letters. 

 
* Create a place where they can do art around the event.  Let them draw what they think love from that parent looks like.  Or let them cut and paste how their feelings look right how.

 
* Use hand puppets with the children or if more than one child is involved, all three of you play with the puppets and act out what happened and how they feel about it.  Let the puppets do the talking.  

 
Your children will have their issues.  Their issues will stretch them.  It’s important that you work to minimize what accosts them so that it’s not too much, too soon.  Helping them to handle abandonment by their other parent so that they understand it wasn’t his fault will go al long way to growing up a healthy child.

Len :: Mar.29.2009 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

I don’t know of one family that doesn’t experience anger when raising children is involved and in particular, with single divorced parents. All too frequently, this anger gets pointed at the children.  I think it’s highly likely that in many circumstances, our anger can be traced back to some doubt or fear that we, as parents, have been harboring.

 
In many therapies, there is a differentiation between what is the trigger for a specific emotion and what is the source.  I think that when it comes to raising kids, their behavior (or the lack of it) is the trigger, and our own doubt and fear is the actual source. Let’s look at some situations that seemingly trigger angry outbursts from us to our children and let’s work to discover what the underlying fears might be.

 
You become angry when your children don’t obey you, or when they fall short of what you expect from them.  You become frustrated.  This is because you don’t know enough about how to effectively manage their behavior.  Pre-school teachers and grade school teachers have learned these skills and thus don’t experience the anger you do.  You would be helped if you took some parenting classes; read parenting books; join parenting groups.

 
Adults who understanding behavior management in children know that there must be consequences for errant behavior.  It is most helpful if you will arrive at the decision you frequently arrive at currently after idle threats:  you REALLY MEAN what you say.  It is this determination that you mean what you say that communicates over to your child and they quickly learn not to avoid your wishes, wants and desires.  If you couple “meaning” along with “consequences” your child will be well served through this determination.

You must seek help to find a way to deal with these things.  A therapist might be just the ticket.  Your parents may have good advice.  Perhaps a minister could help.  Whatever it is, don’t allow your anger over raising children to continuously spill over at your kids.  Listen to music away from the kids.  Take some deep breaths.  Call a friend.  Then spend a few moments reconnecting with your child.  Don’t let the anger get between you.  Your kid deserves your loving communication and so do you.

Len :: Mar.19.2009 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

What did YOU do wrong to create the divorce?

 
No fault means no fault.  Judges use it to make their determinations when your divorce case is heard.  And when all that brouhaha dies down, you are left, alone at home, with you.  

 
And you begin to ask yourself questions.  Most of them are about your former spouse.  You get really, really good at enumerating what a bitch or bastard she or he is. You know all the times and all the ways in which they betrayed you.  You could string them up and flog them, you get so angry reviewing all their sins.

 
And then time passes, and your emotions crank down to a more controllable simmer. You begin to be able to contemplate your life without your ex.  You realize that you’ve got to keep taking steps forward to ensure your own progress; to be sure your kids are fed, clothed and sheltered; to be there emotionally for them. You can sometimes think of your ex without rage or blame, and see that maybe there was even some good in the divorce.

 
And last, but not least,  you begin to look at you.  This is the part I like to talk about, because I am dedicated to giving you all the help I can to keep you from getting a second divorce, and it’s the work you do on yourself that will keep you from yet another emotionally painful experience in divorce court.

 
So let’s see if I can share a group of questions I found helpful that will assist you in looking at yourself and the role you played in your first divorce.  If you will read them through once and then come back to the beginning and actually answer them, you will change.  A little change goes a long way.  If you remain the same, you will make the same mistakes and end up divorcing over and over again, and I wouldn’t be happy about that, would you?

 
What attracted me to him/her in the first place?

Did I ask myself if he would be a good provider or a good father?

Did I recognize the tendency to flirt with others and did I just shrug over it and tolerate it?

Was my choice of spouse gainfully employed?

Did he have a career track and plans for gaining promotions?

Was I lost in his looks and did I overlook his faults?

Did her willingness to sleep with me cause me to overlook her faults and failings?

Did I see her apartment was a sty, and did I expect that to change?

Could I see how self-absorbed she was?

Why did I ignore any early red-flagged signals?

Was the advice of my parents and friends actually right?

What made me cast their advice aside?

Did I have a plan based on reasonable expectations when I went looking for a spouse?

If I had no plan, could I create one for the next time?

What is there about me that attracts (fill in the blank: a womanizer, an alchoholic, a slut?)

I found that the support of a therapist was great to recognize that I chose a woman who made my ego feel just great, and that perhaps some of her other qualities (or the lack of them) ought to have been looked at.  I think therapists are great for this kind of help.  Many of them work on a sliding scale, or are covered by your insurance benefits, so I can encourage you to use those benefits.  I’d be sad to think you had the help but didn’t use it and ended up in another disaster of a marriage.  I wish you the best.

Len :: Mar.17.2009 :: General :: No Comments »

Whether you are married, single or divorced sometimes life is just plain hard!  It’s funny how sometimes life gives us challenges that we don’t feel like we can handle, but then we do.  We always have choices, it’s just that sometimes we don’t like our options!  When people say “I don’t have a choice”, they’re wrong.  They do, they just don’t like their options.  This is understandable right?  I was married and I felt like I didn’t have any choices.  My wife didn’t want to be married and I could choose to accept it or not accept it.  I fought like hell to not accept it and I was choosing to be miserable with a woman who didn’t want me anymore.  Bad choice!

When I realized that I always had choices, I began to view things differently.  We always have a way to make our life better or change something.  It doesn’t mean that their is some magical answer.  Your choice may be right for you, but it may be a really hard decision with no immediate gratification or relief.  When I chose to accept the divorce, it was really hard.  I didn’t think I could get through it at the time.  I did though, once I finally accepted it as my choice. 

Life is forever changing and you can “roll with the punches” or you can choose to fight the inevitable.  There is constantly unexpected change both good and bad in our lives all of the time.  If we learn to embrace the good and fight through the bad we become better, stronger  people because of it.  No one said life would be easy, but it is in the palm of all of our hands to make our own destiny.

Len :: Mar.08.2009 :: General :: No Comments »

Much is being touted about mediation vs. court standardized divorce procedures these days.  I used an attorney when I got my divorce, but mediation wasn’t in vogue then as it is now.  It’s popularity has grown over the past twenty years.  Frankly, I think mediation is a very viable alternative to going through divorce courts.

 
In mediation, both individuals have a voice that is clearly heard.  The mediator will frequently teach the couple communication techniques that are very useful on an ongoing basis through the child’s growing up years, and when the parents employ the techniques they learned in mediation, the child benefits because greater objectivity is obtained and emotionalism and blame is not much in appearance.

 
Agreements reached through the employment of a Mediator have a higher compliance rate because both parents participated in the creation of the agreement.  If you agreed upon something, why would you not honor your own agreement?  This is much more beneficial than having the court mandate some adherence that comes down like a judge’s gavel on your head.

 
Mediation clarifies communication generally, because each individual gets time to speak. The mediator will not tolerate over lording.

 
During the first mediation session, each party gets to lay his cards on the table and they both decide on the agenda items for the second meeting.  Then, each of them gathers data for next meeting from all the relevant sources.  This is the time when real estate has to be assessed; retirement funds examined; debts tallied, etc. At the second meeting, a clarification of the issues to be resolved is discussed, and a resolution of items is decided upon.  This could include distribution of assets, child custody, visitation, child support, or alimony as an example. The participating parties are taught both how to compromise, how to negotiate, and how to honor the court systems of the state in which they reside.

 
The mediator then drafts an Agreement.  This Agreement is reviewed, revised and finalized and, in it’s final form, becomes legally binding. Mediation involves no court appearances. Mediation is frequently less expensive than hiring an attorney and is a common sense alternative to a court divorce. Mediators are trained to help emotionally explosive couples. Mediators will not let an overly powerful spouse exploit the less powerful one. The Mediator is neutral.  He does not side with either party. He does not advise either party. You can bring an attorney with you to Mediator sessions.  I think Mediation is a viable option if you must get a divorce.

Len :: Mar.05.2009 :: Current Affairs :: No Comments »