You have to go through a divorce.  You are hurting over it.  I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your welfare in this event has to be pushed aside for a moment if there are children involved.  When you are going through a divorce, your children and their welfare, have got to get the top billing.  

 
Growing up is difficult.  Divorce challenges you to grow up and you’ve already got years and  years of living experience under your belt.  It’s hard for you to handle.  But you’ve got children to consider and they don’t have the experience you’ve got.  It’s doubly hard for them to handle.  So here are some things you might tell them to ease the blows of your divorce.

 
“When the judge makes a decision, he does it by seeing what will benefit the children the most.  Your daddy/mommy and I will be using that same idea.  We want what is best for you and that comes first with us.”

 
“I know that this is difficult for you.  It’s difficult for me too, but we can be here together and go through this difficult thing together, okay? I’m not going to let anything bad happen to  you.  I’m going to take care of you always and forever.”
“You know how everyday we have daylight first and then we have nighttime?  And do you remember how some days are sunny and some days are kind of grey?  That’s because Life is about CHANGE.  Can you tell me some other ways you can see change happening? Red lights, green lights.  Cold milk; warm milk.  Well, our life has a big change and it’s called divorce.  Some of the days you’ll live with mommy at her house and some of the days you’ll live with daddy at his house.  That’s a change, too, isn’t it?”

 
“Have you seen mommy and daddy arguing?  How does that make you feel? Mommy and Daddy argue too much and we are having a tough time stopping.  We have decided to get a divorce and mommy will be moving into another apartment.  You’ll spend some of the time with her and some of the time with me.  This is not your fault.  We think you are our perfect child and we tried really hard to stay together, but it has to happen like this.  You didn’t do anything to make it happen.  Mommy and Daddy made it happen.”

 
When you tell your children about the divorce, create a setting that is fun for them – like a park – and when you’ll have plenty of time for the discussion.  It should be on a non-school day so they will have time to ask lots of questions and get the answers they need.  They probably know that something is going on, so have an open discussion with them.  Assure them that they are not to blame.  Let them know what they can expect.  If they ask you why this is happening, they don’t mean the divorce.  They mean “Why is this happening to me?”  Assure them that you will help them to get a grip on this big change, that you and your spouse want the best for them, and that you’ll be working together to take care of them.

Len :: Apr.28.2009 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »