Hello Everyone,

I am so excited to announce that my book tour is beginning!  I will be doing my very first book signing on June 13th at 1:00 pm at the Barnes and Noble Bookstore in Fairlawn, Ohio!  If you are in the area and would like to stop in I would love to see you!

Also, I will be doing an interview on Fox 8 news in Cleveland, Ohio on Friday June 12th in the morning!  Tune in!

I look forward to meeting some of you or all of you, soon!!

Len

Len :: May.27.2009 :: General :: No Comments »

I don’t know of one family that doesn’t experience anger when raising children is involved. All too frequently, this anger gets pointed at the children.  I think it’s highly likely that in many circumstances, our anger can be traced back to some doubt or fear that we, as parents, have been harboring.

 
In many therapies, there is a differentiation between what is the trigger for a specific emotion and what is the source.  I think that when it comes to raising kids, their behavior (or the lack of it) is the trigger, and our own doubts and fears is the actual source. Let’s look at some situations that seemingly trigger angry outbursts from us to our children and let’s work to discover what the underlying fears might be.

 
You become angry when your children don’t obey you, or when they fall short of what you expect from them.  You become frustrated.  This is because you don’t know enough about how to effectively manage their behavior.  Pre-school teachers and grade school teachers have learned these skills and thus don’t experience the anger you do.  You need to take some parenting classes; read parenting books; join parenting groups.

 
Adults who understanding behavior management in children know that there must be consequences for errant behavior.  It is most helpful if you will arrive at the decision you frequently arrive at currently after idle threats:  you REALLY MEAN what you say.  It is this determination that you mean what you say that communicates over to your child and they quickly learn not to avoid your wishes, wants and desires.  If you couple “meaning” along with “consequences” your child will be well served through this determination.

 
As your days roll along, please consider if you are getting angry due to any of these reasons:
You feel you have no freedom in your life because you have children
Your kids are tapping you out financially and you’re frustrated because you feel trapped in your job
Long days are wearing you down physically
You have a sense of “I don’t want to deal with it now”
Your kids whine to get your attention
Your kids tug at you because you aren’t listening to them
Your kids fight among themselves
 

You must seek help to find a way to deal with these things.  A therapist might be just the ticket.  Your parents may have good advice.  Perhaps a minister could help.  Whatever it is, don’t allow your anger over these things to continuously spill over at your children. You need professional, or at a minimum, mature help to find a better way if you identified with any of the items on the above list. Listen to music away from the kids.  Take some deep breaths.  Call a friend.  Then spend a few moments reconnecting with your child.  Don’t let the anger get between you.  He deserves your loving communication and so do you.

Len :: May.20.2009 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

Going through a divorce is a time of extreme emotional trauma. Your whole life is turned upside down. You might feel vulnerable or you might feel vindictive. One way or the other, you will be bombarded by copious emotions and they could weaken you as you go through this process. If you feel weakened, you could fall prey to the dirty divorce tricks syndrome used by some attorneys at the behest of their clients who might also feel vindictive. And you could think that dirty divorce tricks is okay to use yourself. I don’t think so. Dirty pool has a way of hitting you where you are weakest.

 
You need a good attorney yourself. If you are in a weakened emotional state, you won’t be able to see the tricks coming at you due to your subjectivity. You need a support team on your side who can remain objective and serve your best interests and more importantly, serve the interest of your children. So hire a good divorce attorney who has a good reputation for fairness and good standing for his clients.

 
There are many articles in circulation that will tell you what those tricks are. Please go find and read those articles on the internet and inform yourself of some of the things that could happen. This article is not about that. This article is about your vulnerability and becoming stronger for yourself and your children.

 
When you are vulnerable and under emotional duress, your ex may try to take advantage of you. You will need a strong support team. I don’t mean a girlfriend who agrees with you. I’m talking about a mentor who can guide you through these vulnerable times so that you are not taken advantage of. Please find someone with some experience in life who has some wisdom and who cares enough about you to teach you what is happening from an objective perspective and can help you side step the so-called land mines.

 
There are things that you deserve according to the law. Your divorce attorney will know what they are. But it wouldn’t hurt you one bit to do some research on the internet to know what your rights are yourself. Your attorney sees you as one of many clients and he or she is human. They might miss a detail. If you know what those details about your entitlements are, you can ask your attorney “What about this?” as a reminder to be sure nothing that you deserve by law is missed. Being informed is being armed.

 
When you have court documents that specify what the agreements are to be, stick with them. It’s a form of vulnerability to believe an ex who says “I know what the papers say, but I’m willing to do x. “ If he’s willing to do x, let him put it into the court documents. Don’t deviate from what the court has decreed. 

 
If you have a tendency toward naïveté, work to correct this. The only way to not be naïve is to be informed. Learn all you can about the subject at hand. Consult with your Divorce attorney. Don’t agree to anything with your ex without this consult, particularly if you’re naïve. You need the assistance of your divorce attorney’s protection until you grow stronger yourself. If you’ve suffered emotional trauma that has left you feeling vulnerable and vindictive – someone who might feel tempted to resort to dirty divorce tricks - you will need a strong skill set, a lot of knowledge, professional support but mainly, internal courage to face your ex down and get what you deserve by law. Don’t become a divorce horror story statistic.

Len :: May.13.2009 :: General :: No Comments »

Do your children actually see you spending money?  Do they see your paycheck?  Do they go to the bank with you to deposit it and then get cash back for your needs? Do they see your bills?  Do they watch you pay them? Do they know you have an IRA from work?  Are they aware that you have a Savings Account?

 
I am thinking that in our electronic world today, those items I questioned you about might all be handled electronically, out of the view of your children. Because of that, your children don’t have the same opportunity previous generations who could physically see the money and could use what they saw to conceptualize it’s handling.  And if you are using electronics to manage your money, buy some play money to teach your children how money should be handled. You could use some physical examples with the play money. You might use a very simple tool:  boxes or envelopes.

 
The “In” box is where your paycheck play money goes.  Do have a discussion with your kids and teach them the concept of budgeting. The “Budget” boxes have to be several: Bills, Saving, Education, Clothing, Investment, Charitable Contributions, Fun, Food, and Transportation.  Of course, those are just a few of the Budget Boxes you might want, so feel free to add and subtract as you like. 

 
Let them know the rules you’ve set.  Saving, for example, might always be 10%.  Education funds might go into an educational IRA.  Food might be a set amount each week.  If you use coupons or find specials, let them see how the weekly leftovers can be moved into another Budget box to increase the stash there.

 
When your children are very small, you do the sifting and sorting of play dollars to go from the In box to the other boxes. Explain it to them as you do it. As they get older, let them begin to handle the play dollars.  They will be able to see in a very short time how monies are accrued or depleted.

 
Once your children have learned how you handle your money, let them set up a similar method to handle their own.  If they get a weekly allowance, use it to teach them.  If they receive money from gifting, play the little boxes game with it until they can visualize it without the boxes.  Graduate them to electronics, but by then, they’ll have learned the systems and the basics and will be able to handle money easily throughout their lives.  They’ll thank you for it.

Len :: May.01.2009 :: General :: No Comments »