When your children come home from a weekend with your ex, don’t subject them to a grueling Question and Answer session.  This puts them into a very uncomfortable situation:  they love that person you just divorced.  They are uncomfortable that you no longer love him or her.  They don’t really understand that.  They want to love you both.

 
When you ask questions, your children know they are leading questions.  They know that if they don’t answer them appropriately, one of their parents loses the kids’ vote and they don’t want to cause this kind of hurt for you.  So if you want to know stuff about that cheap floozie he’s dating now, ask him not your children. Don’t put your child in the middle of these sick adult games.

 
Putting your child’s welfare before your own may be the very thing that helps you to mature into adulthood.  Your children deserve your consideration and your love, and asking pointed questions that makes the child’s answer serve as a vote for one side or the other is not adult.  I think it criminal to put your child into such a difficult position. Your divorce was not the fault of your children.  (You have told them this, right? You have had discussions about this, right? They know their school grade or the condition of their room had nothing to do with the divorce, right?)

 
It’s okay to ask questions about the child’s welfare: did they get enough to eat?  was there a good place fixed for them to sleep? what time did they go to bed? was there somewhere they could get their homework done? was time set aside for homework?  Not “What did daddy’s new True Love fix for dinner?”  You get the gist.

 
This time spent with their other parent shouldn’t be labeled “visiting.”  They aren’t just visiting – they are living with them, and they have as much of a right to live with each of you.  Try not to label it a visit vs. living.

 
Give them lots of hugs when they come home.  Tell them you thought about them when they were gone. Let them know what you did with your free time during their visit to mommy’s new apartment. Ask questions about their activities so you can re-celebrate the fun they had with them.

 
If the parent they are visiting is wealthier than you are, and if they spend more money on the children than you can, don’t make them feel guilty about that, even if you feel guilty yourself. Be as generous as you can and try to enjoy what they are enjoying without making comparisons.  

 
Don’t encourage or tolerate the children talking negatively about the other parent or his new spouse.  This fosters alienation and disrespect. Listen carefully and if there are legal issues that need addressing, seek legal means; but don’t involve the children in this.  

 
Don’t act hurt or betrayed if your child says he had a good time at Daddy’s this weekend.  Try to show more maturity.  Talk about your feelings of hurt with a counselor not your children.

 
The way you handle your children’s visits to  your ex will help you to mature and it will help them to foster self-sufficiency, self-love and a sense of security within themselves.  Be generous.  Generosity generates more good for you, so you have nothing to lose by being generous and not pumping your kids for information.

Sincerely,

Len

Len :: Jul.29.2009 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

When memories about the joy of your wedding day comes crashing down on the day your spouse says “I want a divorce,” you enter into a cycle of abandonment, fear, anger, and loss.  Grief, anxiety, sorrow, guilt, denial and depression all come crashing down on your head.  Tempers flare and shouting makes you cringe.  It’s not a pretty picture. 

Somehow, someway, you’ve got to find a way to heal from all these hurtful emotions.  Here are some tips to help you accomplish that. 

Although your needs are plenty, your children’s needs exceed them.  They deserve a parent who is on top of things – a parent they can trust. While you are interfacing with your children, you have to set your own needs aside.  They should not bleed through to your kids.  I think you can do that without losing sight of satisfying your own needs at a different time. 

You will need a support team.  Don’t try to handle all this emotion on your own.  And don’t chose someone (like a sister) who will agree with you about how awful he way.  Choose someone with more objectivity, because I have to tell you this, you made mistakes too.  If you don’t find out what they were, you’re doomed to repeat them in a second divorce.  Find a helpful minister, a compassionate and savvy therapist, or some counselor who can help you see the role  you played. 

Keeping track of all the “she done me wrongs” won’t serve your healing.  These memories are the things that you’ll need to discuss with your support team. This might be the best time in your life to learn forgiveness techniques.  Here’s one:  ask  your support person to sit in front of  you and “be” your offensive ex.  Now, tell your support/ex person all the reasons why you forgive him or her.  Tell him about all the things he or she did to you and that  you forgive him.   

“I forgive you for all the times you stayed out late.”

“I forgive you for the times you squandered your paycheck and we couldn’t make the house payment.”

“I forgive you for never keeping the house clean.” 

Let it all hang out and get it all out of your system. If this isn’t possible for you or you think it won’t work for you, write it all down in a letter that you will never mail.  Tell your ex specifically that you forgive him or  and what you forgive him or her for.  Then, burn the letter in your fireplace and let it all go up with the smoke. 

Once you can clear your mind of all this old baggage,  you can get ready to create the next good thing in your life.

Len :: Jul.22.2009 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

Do your children come home from a weekend with your ex in an altered state?  Do you wonder if they’ve experienced a close encounter of the third kind?  Are their behaviors drastically different than during the time when they live with you?

 
It’s important for your children that you discover the whys of this behavioral change. Is he not getting any discipline when he’s away from you?  Is he neglected and left to his own devices at your exs? Is he abandoned while your ex chases a new skirt? Or if he’s staying with mommy, is she watching TV or absorbed in a novel while the kid runs rampant? Or is the child indulged to a point beyond spoiling and given everything he wants when he’s visiting the ex?

 
Your child deserves continuity.  This means that the rules should be the same at both dad and mom’s house.  Have a chat (out of earshot from your child) with your ex about continuity.  Don’t be blaming or making him/her feel guilty.  Simply work toward what is best for your child and know that each of you wants that. Talk about each behavior you see that comes home to you in an altered state and communicate with your ex about how to prevent it for the sake of the child’s continuity and emotional stability. You ex may not agree with you, but at least you will know that you did address the issue for the sake of your child.

 
Now of course, each household will reflect the persona of the mom or the dad and they cannot be precisely identical for the sake of the child’s continuity.  You might just have to allow your kid a few hours grace while he adjusts back into your way of doing things when he comes home from your ex’s home.  The kid’s change in behavior is most likely to be expected, so cut them a little slack, and remember that they are still dealing with the idea that the two of you are divorced and they don’t have themselves wrapped around that idea fully yet.  These visits bring up that idea all over again, so be patient and understanding while they adjust to being back at your home again.

 
If your ex thinks that allowing your kids to eat junk food, party hearty while they are with him with no consideration for bedtimes, and if your conversations with him about this have been ineffective, then here’s a comforting thought that I’d like to leave you with:  Eventually (when they mature) your kids will recognize the difference and will applaud you for your value-driven decisions.

~Len

Len :: Jul.20.2009 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

I can remember if I have discussed the topic of guilt before, but even if I have, I want to talk about it again.

Guilt is one of the most useless emotions that exist.  It is just like worrying.  No matter how guilty you feel or how much you worry, feeling guilty or worrying in itself won’t change a damn thing. 

Every one of us, married, not married, single, adult, child, anbody, could think of something to feel guilty about.  Going through a divorce just has the ability to amplify the feeling.  Even if you feel like you were “right” and your ex was “wrong”  there are still things that you probably feel guilty about. 

Maybe you didn’t try hard enough.  Maybe you could have given it one more try.  Did you really give it your all.  Were you just a bad spouse and they had a right to want to leave.  You had to leave because it was awful being with them.

We can all rationalize everything we do and say. It’s how we avoid that awful emotion…. GUILT! 

Well here is what aleves the guilt.  Acceptance and action.  The two things that I live by in almost every situation. 

First, be as objective as you can.  It really doesn’t matter if you were right or wrong, it just matters if you feel that your actions or words hurt some one in some way.  It doesn’t even matter if what you did or said could not have been helped, what matters is what the resulting feeling is of the people involved.

Secondly, take action to atone for your alleged wrongs.  If your kids are hurting, don’t say “I couldn’t help it” or “I had to ” , just make them feel that you understand their feelings and do what you can to make them feel your genuwinely apologetic for their pain.

Finally, accept that you are a human being who has made errors and will continue to do so.  After you have done all that you can to “make it better”, vow that you will try to do the best that you can and also that you will forgive yourself when you make a mistake.

Rememer, Guilt is a wasted emotion.  Don’t spend any time on it.  I don’t mean that you shouldn’t feel remorse but that’s a different post all together…

Until next time,

Len

Len :: Jul.09.2009 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »