You’ll never read any words from my pen that indicate that divorce is just “jolly good fun.” It isn’t.  It’s painful.  Nobody on this earth thinks “Gosh, wouldn’t it just be great to get a divorce?”  No, we’d slog thru mud to our knees to avoid it.

 
And yet, divorce continues to happen.  We’re decimated by it and we’re adults!  Imagine that with all of our years of living, all of our education, and all of our experience we are pushed low by divorce.  So can you imagine what very little education, very little experience, very little living does for our children when they have to go through a divorce with us?

 
Divorce is horrible for children.  We are our children’s caretakers.  Their needs must come first. It’s awfully nice if there is both a mom and a dad to care for the children.  But when a divorce makes that impossible, their needs must still come first and the parents must make their welfare a priority.

 
Children need a mommy and daddy they can trust. Squabbling between parents is just too difficult for a growing-up child to endure and it wounds them emotionally.  Please consider not fighting with their mommy or daddy in front of them.  Please consider not badmouthing their other parent in front of them.  Please be there for them 24/7.  If your ex has a tendency not to be there, write him a note and explain how you see this affecting his children and could he please plan to be there for them?  

 
Together with your ex, write a Parenting Plan that you can both agree upon.  If the communication between you is completely deteriorated, let your attorneys communicate this plan.  Both of you should have input into creating it and tweaking it until it suits both of you.  The internet contains many ideas to be incorporated into a Parenting Plan.  Discuss the feasibility of sharing your Parenting Plan with your children’s caregivers or babysitters.

 
When you first decide that you have to get a divorce, craft a way to telling your children without placing blame on either you or your soon-to-be ex. This kind of news is not easily absorbed by your children because they don’t handle change well if they are quite young.  And this change is life altering.  Give them time to absorb it.  Revisit the discussion and try to help them to understand how necessary it is, even if you aren’t happy about it yourself. Work toward a way you can all live with the fact that a divorce is going to happen, like it or not.

 
After the divorce, explain the court agreement as simply as possible to your children.  They won’t appreciate the legality of it, but they want to know how it’s going to affect them. Make a list of those things and let them ask lots of questions.  When you answer them, work hard not to place any sense of blame on their other parent.

 
Don’t force your children to take sides.  They deserve to have a mommy and a daddy if that is at all possible.  Allow them to  have and enjoy a relationship with your ex even if you don’t.  Try to keep their needs at the top of  your list.  

 
Most kids have fears that somehow they caused the divorce, that they’re going to be abandoned too, or that something painful will happen to them as well. Be empathetic when you listen to their questions and continue to ask questions of them until you feel that their fears have disappeared. They’ll be losing a key member of their family from the home.  They’ll be gaining a new step family.  there’s a lot of trauma involved in this for kids and they deserve to have their fears addressed.
 

 
At this link http://www.divorcesource.com/info/checklists/childbehavior.shtml you will find an assessment tool to see how  your child is faring through this painful process.  It can help you help them through their sadness and sense of loss.

Len :: Aug.17.2009 :: Caring for your Children :: 1 Comment »

I talked to a divorced friend of mine about this article, because she had been singularly unable to get her ex husband to pay his child support with any kind of regularity. My friend was aware that there were many options open to her to get the measly amount she had been awarded, but she was one of those women who operate her own life out of high standards of integrity and “doing the right thing”, that she did not want to get the law involved.

 
Looking back, and being much less emotional now and hence more reasonable, she said to encourage you to use the resources of the law to help you get the support you need to raise your children more easily.  I’m going to tell you some of the things a divorce attorney or your state’s District Attorney can do for you, and then we’re going to discuss my friends emotional problems, because she and I think that might be helpful to you as well.

 
When you obtain a divorce, you simultaneously obtain a Support Order.  If your ex does not pay his or her child support, he can be found in contempt of court.  If the child support is in arrears, a divorce attorney can help you obtain it.  There are wage assignments, collection enforcement (particularly if there is property involved), attachment of wages or property, a tax refund intercept, filing an action for contempt, etc.  Work with your attorney to determine what the best action is for you. You can also find agencies on the internet who specialize in child support payments that are in arrears.

 
Can you stop your ex from his visitation rights if he doesn’t pay child support?  No, you can’t, and honestly, you shouldn’t.  Visiting their other parent is in the best interest of your child and you want the best for them, right?  This little battle you’ve got with your ex should not be shared with younger children.  They deserve to love their other parent without hearing about your problems with him or her.

 
And now, the emotional aspects: why was my friend unable to resort to the law to collect from her deadbeat husband? She told me that she was still in love with him; that he wasn’t earning very much money; that she was afraid she’d alienate him from his children; that she was embarrassed to keep calling and bugging him for the money.  It’s labeled co-dependency, my dear readers, and if you identified with this paragraph more than all the rest in this article, my friend wanted me to tell you that she sought the help of a therapist and thinks you should, too.

 
An ex not paying for the children he procreated is his problem.  Allowing it to go on was her problem.  Each of them has to own their own responsibility.  My friend did not seek the help that was there for her.  Her bad.  He didn’t pay child support regularly.  His bad.  

 
The bottom line is to seek some help so that you can get past your “bad” and take the steps necessary to insure that the child support due your children is paid with regularity.  Their good.

~Len

Len :: Aug.05.2009 :: Caring for your Children, Custody Issues :: No Comments »