Most people spend the majority of their time in the past.  Because that is where they spend most of their time, that becomes what is most important to them. From living in the past, they avoid the present; they emphasize their guilt from past failures and, therefore, they are sure they have to pay for these failures in the future; or, they dwell on past hurts or perceived insults.  In those situations, they may be thinking of how they can even the score.  In either case, the past is dictating the future.
The present, the now, the in-the-moment, gets lost.  The present is mostly used as a reminder of past injuries or failures.  You then react to things that occur to you in the present as if you were in the past.  If in your mind you’re in the past, the past then dictates your reactions to people and events in the present.
When your thinking is about the past, that is your point of reference, and whoever you’re dealing with has a big problem because you’re not seeing or hearing him accurately.  Instead, you’re hearing echoes from the past.  Those echoes carry pain in your mind and justify your attacks in the present in return for a past no one else sees and for whom it doesn’t exist.  Do you see how the past can dictate your future?  Think of all the opportunities you could be missing out on.
Here’s an example of something that happened to me just a few months ago. My family decided to meet at a small, local Italian restaurant to eat dinner. We went in separate cars and my younger daughter was in my car with me.  
Just as each of you has done hundreds of times, we were making small talk, and were pretty much oblivious to everything around us.  As we parked the car, a minivan zoomed into the parking space next to mine, slammed on his brakes, got out and started walking toward the restaurant.  He parked so close to my car I literally could not get out of the car.  Before he got away I asked him if he could move his car because I couldn’t get out.  I said it nice, honest.  (I remember I wanted to be a smart aleck about it, but I held back).
He stalked back to his car, yelled something to me about it wouldn’t have been so tight if I had parked in the space correctly then, as he pulled away his side view mirror hit my mirror and he zoomed back into the parking spot.  Now I wanted to knock him out.  My daughter, sweet little thing that she is, was encouraging me to knock him out.  But I’m too old to be fighting. I’m a lover, not a fighter, or at least I hope so.  We walked into the restaurant and, of course, we told the rest of the family what happened. Ironically, they knew who we were talking about because they saw him storm into the restaurant and, in their words “He was nasty to his wife.”
It’s a harmless example, but the point is that he was obviously living in the past.  I don’t know what had him upset.  His past almost dictated an ass whipping. (I am bigger than he is.)
That’s just an example to get you to look at your own situation so you don’t make mistakes like that.  Think of the times when you overreacted because your son left dirty underwear on the floor or your daughter left wet towels on the bathroom floor.  You’re overreacting because you’re really reacting to something from the past – something he’s done dozens of times before, or something he’d done earlier in the day that upset you.
If he had left his underwear on the floor dozens of times before, then you have to improve your parenting skills.  You might be yelling at him about it, but there have obviously not been any consequences for it.  Kids respond marvelously to consequences.
Let me give you another perspective.  There’s a company called The Landmark Corporation which does a wonderful job of teaching people different techniques for avoiding problems like this.  They will tell you that when you have a conversation with someone, you should come from nothing.
When I first heard them talking about communicating from nothing I thought, “Whoa, I’m paying for this?”  Then I started to get it and I hope, in light of the above discussion, it makes sense to you.  Come from nothing.  In other words, don’t assume anything and don’t bring past history into this current episode.  This is not easy to do, but once you get the hang of it, you’d be amazed at how much you were missing.  We usually go into conversations with an agenda or a prejudice - some point we want to make, or information we want to get. 
Try having a conversation with someone without trying to be right, without an agenda, without assuming you know what they want.  Initially, you won’t be able to do this in every conversation but if you just do it once, you’ll get it and you’ll be really impressed with how positive it can be.  And then you can do it more and more often.  Once you get it, it’s the beginning of listening.  It’s also a big step toward giving up living in the past and living in the present.  Once you can let go of perceived insults, when you live in the present, you get to create your future. The past is no longer dictating your future.
 

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Len :: Sep.05.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

Divorce is the most painful thing that I have ever gone through.  It brings in a lot doubt about your own worthiness and goodness as a human being.  It makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust anyone else again.  It makes you feel overwhelmed with the tasks you can see ahead of you.
Every good soldier knows not to cross a battlefield without a map of where the land mines are buried.  Your battlefield has become, by default, raising your children in the best manner you know how.  For the sake of the children, it would be great if you and the spouse you are divorcing could sit down and create this plan together.  If that’s not possible, then you need to provide some answers to these questions.  Deciding ahead of the time when crucial issues must be decided will give you an edge.
About The Children’s Feelings

Decide how you will tell your children that you are divorcing. Write it out on paper if you aren’t good with impromptu speeches.

1.  Make sure they know it was not due to anything they did.
2. Tell them what changes you know have to be made and that you’ll make them together. Let them know you’ll try to keep as much the same as you can.
3. Decide that you won’t say anything to them (like making promises) that you can’t follow through on. Their stability leans on your follow through.
4. Decide not to badmouth your ex in front of your child.  He still loves  him or her and deserves to.
   Children need both parents.  Try to keep moving out of the picture.
    
    

About Custody

1. Keep up relationships with in-laws whenever possible.  It’s part of your kids stability.
2.  Decide here and now not to use your child’s time with his other parent as a battering ram to punish your ex.  It will hurt your child.
3.  If your ex doesn’t show up when promised, don’t make it a big deal in front of your kids, no matter how angry that absence makes you.
4.   Decide right now that you will not grill your children when they come home from visiting their other parent about him/her or their new mate.
5.  Keep an information sheet with all statistical data about the child and be sure his other parent and his child care giver has a copy. 
    

About Goals For The Children

1. See if you and your ex can establish the same levels of discipline.  Be reasonable. Examine what TV shows they can watch; what bedtime needs to be honored; what language is appropriate for example.
2. Determine that homework has to be monitored by both of you, not just the parent the child is living with.
   Set up a picture of where you’d like the kids’ achievements to be in x number of years and both of you keep that goal in mind.
3. Don’t permit your child to become alienated from his other parent.  He needs both parents.
   Children thrive when their routines aren’t varied.  Each parent should try to honor the child’s normal routine.
4.  Consistency will help keep your child level and achieving normally.
5. Consequences for misbehaviors have to be kept consistent by each parent.  Decide what they will be and then follow through.
6. Determine what your standards are for achievement in school and each of you work to support the child to achieve them.
7. If your children have special needs, address how they will be supplied by each of you.
    

About Your Feelings

1. Don’t confide your personal less-than feelings to your child. She/he is not a therapist. She/he cannot solve for you.
   You will need some alone time.  Set this up with your ex. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and level – bubble baths; gardening; a hobby.  You’ll  know.
2. Get a coach, a minister, an older aunt/uncle who can help you through tough situations that occur. You’ll benefit from having a support team.
3. You will have to put your children’s needs before your own until they are grown.  Don’t ignore your own needs, however.  They must be addressed.
4. If there are disputes over child rearing, seek the help of an arbitrator. Don’t feel so all alone.
   Admit that you were wrong to  your children if  you were.  They so appreciate honesty and they already knew you were wrong.  Their esteem of you will increase with honesty and you’ll love having an open, honest relationship with them.
    

These ideas are not all inclusive.  There’s a lot more you can find on the internet to flesh these in.  A plan can help prevent negative effects on your children.  It can also prevent a second divorce and they certainly don’t’ need that.

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Len :: Sep.05.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

I know what overwhelm feels like.  In the early days of my divorce, overwhelm and fear were my constant companions.  I was very lucky though, that I never let these feelings get in the way of my accomplishing my biggest task to date – the raising of my daughters.  They were my number one priority and I’m so glad I made them such a priority, because they are now lovely, successful, productive young women and I’m proud and happy of the job I did as their dad.

How do you accomplish this ultra important task?  One of the best ways is to listen to your kids with complete attention. Oh, I know, it was hard not to be off in la-la land with the boys playing poker and smoking cigars, but when my girls wanted my attention, they were my number one priority and they got my attention.  When I wanted just ten minutes to watch the news without interruption, too bad.  I had them; I got a divorce; they were my priority so they got my attention.
It’s a proud moment when a soldier gets a medal for some element of bravery or honor, but as a single parent, you should be awarded medals throughout your day.  When you selflessly set aside your own desires, and you stop what you’d prefer to be doing to focus your complete attention on your child, it’s medal time!  My kids were such a precious commodity, that the nurturing they needed (and sometimes it seemed to be a relentless, gaping maw) was a privilege to me to provide.  I think that parenting is a sacred trust and should be dignified with your full attention.  Stay-at-home moms are the Executive Directors of the souls and minds of our nation’s incubators.  They are the accomplishers of gargantuan tasks.  
Well, you might not have the privilege of staying at home.  You might have to be out in the work place.  That doesn’t mean your kids play second fiddle.  They don’t play second fiddle to anything you want to do.  They must come first, or the bruises of your inattention will show in society.  When a plant suffers from inattention, it dies.  Think about how inattention touches your kids, and resolve today that they will get your complete attention.

My Virtual Assistant told me the story of how she accomplished attention with her sons.  They got her complete attention up until the time when they went to bed for the night.  After that, it was “her time” and they could no longer make requests of her unless they were ill.  It took a while for the “Mommy, I want a drink of water” comments to stop because she just told them “I have given you my entire day.  This is my time now.”  It was good for her to set these boundaries.

Your children will blossom as plants do that receive full attention.  They are worth all the effort it takes. Once your focus becomes “them,” your overwhelm, stress and fear from the divorce will all disappear.

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Len :: Aug.26.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »

Your kids worship you.  They are unaware of many of the details that life involves.  All they know is that there is this Big Person standing over them who radiates love toward them and they feel good being loved.
Sometimes your love for them assumes the form of stern insistence.  Sometimes your love for them creates balloon jump rides at birthday parties.  Sometimes your love for them points determinedly at the bathroom where their toothbrush lives that should be now moving up and down over their teeth before they go nightie night.  Sometimes your love sees them in a cute outfit and you just have to buy it.
Your love means that you keep your kids at the forefront of your thoughts night and day until they can take over that job for themselves.  One portion of your love is occupied with their becoming adults because you are the main influence on their lives.
I suffered with trepidations when my girls went off to school for the first time because I knew that I wasn’t going to be the only source of information for them any longer.  I knew that they’d bring home to me what they had learned and that I would remain the judge of it’s rightness or wrongness for them.  I’d have preferred they not experience wrongness, but they had to see life as it is, not as how I wanted it to be for them.
My influence on my kids ran it’s fingers through every aspect of their lives.  I was their chief cook and bottle washer.  I was their launderer.  I was their nurse.  I was their teacher.  I was their maintenance man.  I was the parent with the main presence in their lives.  It’s not uncommon in a divorce for one parent to be doing the real parenting - all the little stuff, day in and day out. Buying the groceries, helping with homework, monitoring their computer use, etc. And sometimes the other parent is mostly concerned with the big events. You know, being front-and-center for their birthday party; buying them jewelry from where they went on their latest vacation, and never buying them tennis shoes.
If you’re the Big Event Type, ask yourself if what you’re doing is for you or for your kids. Are you doing the showy things to make yourself look good and ignoring what really matters? If you are, I’ve got a newsflash for you – it doesn’t make you look good. Your fifteen-year-old doesn’t really need diamond earrings. It’s not a competition. There’s really only one question that matters. Are you contributing effectively to the upbringing of your children? If you really feel the need to do the showy things, go ahead, but make sure you also contribute in little ways. The stuff that really matters to your children are the things that no one sees when you’re doing them.
On the other hand, if you’re a divorced parent who is really conscience about parenting, good for you.  Keep it up. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Being a good parent is truly its own reward. You are doing important work. It’s the most important job you will every have. I have clients that have tens of millions of dollars, but they cannot buy what you have with your children. So remember, you influence them everyday. Make it a point to teach them something positive each day.

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Len :: Aug.21.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Caring for your Children, Disciplining Children :: No Comments »

When I was thirteen years old, my moral foundation was tested when my best friend called me all excited and said to come over to his house.  He lived in an old two-story house with a big attic that you could walk in.  He had been in the attic and found an old Playboy magazine with a photograph of a young model, staring into the camera not wearing a top.  We could see her bare breasts.  Moral behavior aside, other than National Geographic photos, it was the first time we had seen bare breasts.  

To us, this photo was a treasure and there might be more treasures down in the walls of the house!  Imagine these two thirteen-year-old boys, up in the attic, reaching down between the 2 x 4’s into the walls of this old house trying to find more pictures of naked woman.  

Everyone knows that is just about what you would expect from thirteen year old boys.  But back in that day, there was no cable TV and we watched shows like The Brady Bunch and Gilligan’s Island.  There was no Internet, nor were there magazines at the grocery store check-out promising you the top ten sex secrets to make your lover go crazy.
Neither my friend nor I turned out to be sex perverts, but we both had parents that gave us rules and they enforced those rules.  There weren’t many outside influences countermanding those rules.  Today, a child can get on the Internet and find pictures and even videos of people doing things we never imagined when my friend and I were thirteen years old.
As I grew older, I look back and realized that whenever I was facing different and challenging conditions, I had been blessed because I had been given a strong moral foundation. It was my parents and your parents’ role to give each of us a strong moral foundation.  Once we had that foundation, we could say no to all the negative influences in the world.  
It’s our role as parents now to give our children strong moral foundation.  If you can establish a strong foundation, your children will become successful adults and they will carry that foundation with them through whatever the future has in store. The scary part about today’s world is that there are more outside influences than ever and they have an influence on your children.  Again, every generation has its challenges. Here are the steps you take to establish your moral authority so that you can create young adults who have the same basic values you do. 

Five Tips for Establishing a Moral Foundation for Your Children.
     

1. You are the most important role model and influence that they have or ever will have.  They will model your behavior for years.  So, in colloquial terms, don’t just talk the talk, walk the walk.  Live the way you want them to live.  That’s the most powerful influence in their lives.  As adults, we’re always looking for cues on how to behave.  Children are especially looking for clues, and you’re the most important one, so live your life the way you want them to live theirs.  Be honest, treat people the way you want to be treated, make your decisions on love – not fear.  Give more than you receive.
     

2. Control their access to the Internet.  If they have their own computer it should not be in their room. It should be out in the open where they’re using it.  If there was an Internet when I was fourteen, and if I had my own computer, I would have spent an awful lot of time on Google looking for sex and naked women.
     

3. Communicate with your children but don’t be their best friend. They have lots of friends; if you’re their best friend, you’re on equal level with the other friends.  You need to establish more authority than just a friend.  Friends come and go.  Friends can be influential.  You need to be the rock that they can always count on, the compass that always points to true north.  Nowadays more than ever, kids need parents to be a parent, not a buddy.  The world is confusing and you need to point the way.
     

4. Establish your home as a safe place.  What I mean by that is you have to impose rules and consequences if those rules are broken, but they have to know they can talk to you about anything and that you always have their best interest at heart.  They have to know they can count on you when they make decisions that may not be popular with their friends.
     

5. Keep your finger on the pulse of their life.  Know who they are hanging out with, know what they’re watching on TV, and know what they’re listening to.  I don’t mean go through their drawers and snoop.  You won’t know everything they do; you can’t.  You’re not going to be standing next to them, but you can get a feel for what kind of friends they’re hanging out with.  Don’t let them retreat into a world of their own where they’re listening to their MP3 player all the time.  There is a lot of poison being sold under the label of music.  What are they watching on TV?  My kids watched MTV and sometimes I made them turn it off.  Other times, they watched things I didn’t care for.  Personally, I don’t think there’s anything worthwhile on MTV but ultimately they weren’t harmed by it because we had a balance.  You can’t protect them from everything, but don’t get so wrapped up in your own life that you aren’t aware of what they’re doing and who their seeing and how they’re interacting with people.

If you’re fortunate enough to have relatives nearby who can help mold moral behavior - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - they can also be a positive influence.  If you don’t have relatives, there are friends, neighbors, parents of other children, school teachers, community programs, etc.

It’s that old saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  You want to create that virtual village to surround your children as much as possible with positive healthy influences so you can establish a strong moral foundation.

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Len :: Aug.21.2008 :: Caring for your Children, Disciplining Children :: No Comments »