When I was thirteen years old, my moral foundation was tested when my best friend called me all excited and said to come over to his house.  He lived in an old two-story house with a big attic that you could walk in.  He had been in the attic and found an old Playboy magazine with a photograph of a young model, staring into the camera not wearing a top.  We could see her bare breasts.  Moral behavior aside, other than National Geographic photos, it was the first time we had seen bare breasts.  

To us, this photo was a treasure and there might be more treasures down in the walls of the house!  Imagine these two thirteen-year-old boys, up in the attic, reaching down between the 2 x 4’s into the walls of this old house trying to find more pictures of naked woman.  

Everyone knows that is just about what you would expect from thirteen year old boys.  But back in that day, there was no cable TV and we watched shows like The Brady Bunch and Gilligan’s Island.  There was no Internet, nor were there magazines at the grocery store check-out promising you the top ten sex secrets to make your lover go crazy.
Neither my friend nor I turned out to be sex perverts, but we both had parents that gave us rules and they enforced those rules.  There weren’t many outside influences countermanding those rules.  Today, a child can get on the Internet and find pictures and even videos of people doing things we never imagined when my friend and I were thirteen years old.
As I grew older, I look back and realized that whenever I was facing different and challenging conditions, I had been blessed because I had been given a strong moral foundation. It was my parents and your parents’ role to give each of us a strong moral foundation.  Once we had that foundation, we could say no to all the negative influences in the world.  
It’s our role as parents now to give our children strong moral foundation.  If you can establish a strong foundation, your children will become successful adults and they will carry that foundation with them through whatever the future has in store. The scary part about today’s world is that there are more outside influences than ever and they have an influence on your children.  Again, every generation has its challenges. Here are the steps you take to establish your moral authority so that you can create young adults who have the same basic values you do. 

Five Tips for Establishing a Moral Foundation for Your Children.
     

1. You are the most important role model and influence that they have or ever will have.  They will model your behavior for years.  So, in colloquial terms, don’t just talk the talk, walk the walk.  Live the way you want them to live.  That’s the most powerful influence in their lives.  As adults, we’re always looking for cues on how to behave.  Children are especially looking for clues, and you’re the most important one, so live your life the way you want them to live theirs.  Be honest, treat people the way you want to be treated, make your decisions on love – not fear.  Give more than you receive.
     

2. Control their access to the Internet.  If they have their own computer it should not be in their room. It should be out in the open where they’re using it.  If there was an Internet when I was fourteen, and if I had my own computer, I would have spent an awful lot of time on Google looking for sex and naked women.
     

3. Communicate with your children but don’t be their best friend. They have lots of friends; if you’re their best friend, you’re on equal level with the other friends.  You need to establish more authority than just a friend.  Friends come and go.  Friends can be influential.  You need to be the rock that they can always count on, the compass that always points to true north.  Nowadays more than ever, kids need parents to be a parent, not a buddy.  The world is confusing and you need to point the way.
     

4. Establish your home as a safe place.  What I mean by that is you have to impose rules and consequences if those rules are broken, but they have to know they can talk to you about anything and that you always have their best interest at heart.  They have to know they can count on you when they make decisions that may not be popular with their friends.
     

5. Keep your finger on the pulse of their life.  Know who they are hanging out with, know what they’re watching on TV, and know what they’re listening to.  I don’t mean go through their drawers and snoop.  You won’t know everything they do; you can’t.  You’re not going to be standing next to them, but you can get a feel for what kind of friends they’re hanging out with.  Don’t let them retreat into a world of their own where they’re listening to their MP3 player all the time.  There is a lot of poison being sold under the label of music.  What are they watching on TV?  My kids watched MTV and sometimes I made them turn it off.  Other times, they watched things I didn’t care for.  Personally, I don’t think there’s anything worthwhile on MTV but ultimately they weren’t harmed by it because we had a balance.  You can’t protect them from everything, but don’t get so wrapped up in your own life that you aren’t aware of what they’re doing and who their seeing and how they’re interacting with people.

If you’re fortunate enough to have relatives nearby who can help mold moral behavior - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - they can also be a positive influence.  If you don’t have relatives, there are friends, neighbors, parents of other children, school teachers, community programs, etc.

It’s that old saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  You want to create that virtual village to surround your children as much as possible with positive healthy influences so you can establish a strong moral foundation.

Len :: Aug.21.2008 :: Caring for your Children, Disciplining Children :: No Comments »

Throughout the course of any marriage, property is accumulated.  You’re in love, and as you stroll through shopping areas, you think that certain things will make the relationship happier.  You started out with an empty apartment or home and before you knew it, there’s no room left for anything.  If a divorce enters this scene, all this “stuff” becomes one of the biggest issues, because now this property will have to be divide between the two parties upon the finalization of the divorce. You’ll need to determine spousal support.
A divorce property settlement is an enormous challenge.  In addition to the splitting of the acquired assets, you have to form an agreement about tax liability intrinsic to those assets as well because some of your assets might come with a huge tax bill. You’ll need to discuss the ownership of stock options, IRA accounts, state and local taxes, any existing Retirement Accounts, the capital gain for home ownership, and any ownership interests that may exist in a business with their value.
In Ohio, marital property is most often separated equitably.  This means, however, that the divorcing couple must agree on what items are marital property, pre-marital property and separate property.  Separating the marital property equitably doesn’t necessarily mean equally; but it does means fairly.  The court will take several factors into consideration to decide what is fair in each individual case.  These factors include the duration of the marriage, the assets, custody issues, and tax consequences.
Additionally, not all divorce cases in Ohio include spousal support payments. These decisions are made on a case-by-case basis and vary in amount, duration, and terms of payment.  Again, there are several factors that go into deciding if spousal support will occur and of what it will consist.  These factors include each individual’s income, earning ability, retirement benefits, duration of the marriage, standard of living, and custody and other circumstances surrounding children.
With so many factors involved in the division of property, it’s difficult to say exactly how your property will be divided in the event of a divorce.  An equitable agreement between you and your ex taking into consideration all the factors you are aware of is a great beginning.  Doing research on the internet for the laws in your state is another practical step.  Seeking the advice of your family lawyer can help you better anticipate what you might be able to expect from this portion of the divorce proceedings. When you get a divorce, be sure to examine all the property assets and the resolution of spousal support.

Len :: Aug.12.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce :: No Comments »

When you go through the painful divorce experience, sometimes revenge runs rampant inside your mind, doesn’t it?  You certainly don’t like what’s happened to you.  You want to blame someone because certainly you are faultless and blame free.  You wouldn’t mind it too awfully if someone else hurt as much as you do.  You frequently turn this type of thinking toward your ex, whom you think of as the ogre.  
The bottom line is that is really does take two to tango. Regardless of who is to blame for the divorce, you are one of that partnership and you’re in this specific experience for your own good. I’m going to share with you a few ideas about how to glean that good from all the goop.
Lots of our spiritual leaders have told us to forgive and forget.  Sounds great, but how do we do this with all those raging emotions caroming around inside of us?  Through choice, deliberateness, putting our children first on the list, and being introspective.
Choice.  You always have a choice in your life.  You can live it awash with emotion, or you can choose something different.  You can choose to take a deep breath.  You can share with your children that you are getting in control of your emotions.  Don’t forget:  you are their role model.  You can have a few moments of silence to recover your equilibrium, and then you can choose to deliberately be calm at that very moment.
Deliberateness.  Is it possible your ex will do things deliberately to stir you up?  It’s possible.  Can you do anything about their actions?  You can not.  You can only control yours, so why not decide today precisely what you will think the next time he/she tried to bait you.  How about this:  I am centered in my own truth and the lies that come at me fall away harmless without my emotional reaction.  Or create one of your own.  “I know you are but what am I?” won’t work, so you’ll have to dig deep and come up with something that will work for you.
Put Your Children First on the List.  You want to set an exemplary example for your children.  If your emotions are not in control, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you gossip about your ex in front of them, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you keep an undisciplined environment, that’s what you are teaching them.  If you are unforgiving and you refuse to forget what’s happened in the past, that’s what you are teaching them.  
Forgiveness can be easy.  You simply say the words “I forgive you.”  You follow those words with a good reason for why you forgive them.  “You must be in a world of hurt yourself to say something so hurtful to me.  You must be ignorant of how hurtful those words are to me.  You must be awash in emotions yourself to lash out so.”  You are forgiving and you are giving a reasonable excuse for his behavior to yourself so that you can let go of it.  Drop it and move on with your life.  Forgiveness is for giving yourself your own next best thing.  What a wonderful  thing to teach to your children.

Len :: Aug.11.2008 :: Caring for Yourself After Divorce, Current Affairs, The Pain of Divorce :: No Comments »

If you will spend some time discovering what triggers you, you can make enormous progress in your life to become the kind of role model your kids deserve.  You can share your new skills with your kids to teach them how to handle things when they become triggered.
You deserve to feel better than you do when you are triggered and here are a few tips to help you return to normal:
Move Away: silently step away from whatever is triggering you so that you can have a moment to recover emotionally before you say something you might later regret. Take a deep breath and see how you are feeling after that.
Be Here Now:  sometimes our old feelings of danger or fear or lack of safety trigger us.  They are from the past.  Be Here Now means to consciously recognize that you are in the present moment and you can take yourself into a safer spot, either physically or emotionally.
Breathe:  a few deep, conscious breaths will allow you to gain control over a triggering event until you can think more clearly.
Get Help:  call a friend and explain that you’ve been triggered.  Often a friend’s input is less emotional and can help you get back on track.  Your kids deserve to have you on track.
The Trigger but Not the Source:  When you experience being triggered, it frequently points back in your history to another time when the same feelings triggered inside of you.  Try asking yourself “What is the earliest memory I have of these exact feelings?”  Your mind will provide an answer for you.  Ask the question as many more times as you need until there is no more earlier time.  That first event is the Source of the Triggering you now experience.  
At the time you were first triggered, you made a decision about it.  Now that you are an adult, it might be time to examine that decision and make a new one – one that’s more beneficial to you so that you can be the solid emotional anchor in your kid’s life that they so deserve.
I’d like to recommend that you spend a week with a notebook beside you as you silently observe what is out there triggering you.  Write them down.  Use the first three tips above to keep yourself stable.  Use the fourth one when you’ve gotten a bit of distance from the trigger.  Use the last one when you’ve got some quiet time (maybe when the ex has the kids) to ask yourself about your earlier memories.  Sometimes, if you can trace the path that the triggering has taken, the triggers disappear.  I wish you that, divorced parent readers.

Len :: Aug.07.2008 :: General :: No Comments »

When you are a divorced parent, you’ve got your hands quite full.  There never seems to be enough time in the day to get everything done, and your kids can fire questions at you more rapidly than a cherry-spitting contest.  Arguments over dinner and homework abound.  Sometimes, you can get overwhelmed and want to throw in the towel.  
Children don’t understand overwhelm.  They don’t understand not having enough money.  They don’t understand that you need advanced notice to make a trip to buy their school project supplies.  They don’t understand that bunches of kids yelling and laughing can get on your nerves.  They don’t understand their arguing can drive you nuts. They don’t see the full picture.
But you do.  And it’s the full picture that we want to talk about here, because it’s that full picture that will help you to unfold the courage you’ll need in order to persevere with your Great Parenting Plan.  You have made a plan, haven’t you?  You’re not just winging it, are you?
The Great Parenting Plan is where you are all dressed up, dabbing the tears from your eyes, watching your child walk down the aisle at his graduation.  It could be a high school graduation or a college graduation.  That all depends on your plan. You want to take yourself in thought out to that point in the future where your child graduates and begins to move off into his own life, fully self-sufficient and capable. The idea is to get him to that point from where you are right now and where he or she is right now.
Working backwards from that moment in the plan, but always keeping it in the forefront of your thinking, will help you get through those challenging moments that create overwhelm, those moments when you might not even want to be a mom or dad anymore.  There is no quitting option though.  Your kids are here and they deserve your best.  It is your golden opportunity to summon up all of your resources and give it one heck of a go.
It takes courage to persevere with the Great Parenting Plan, and it takes thinking problems through thoroughly to unfold that courage.  One of the nicest aspects of parenting is that the things you need to do the job are all built in.  Yep.  You had them when you were born.  You’ve been building them while you lived your own life.  This parenting task is like getting a Ph. D. in strengthening virtues!
What happens is that your kids provide some test for you – they test your patience, or your courage, or your ability to love.  And you have the option to say “Yes, I can” or “No, I can’t.” Sometimes when you really think that “I can’t,” you still say “I can” and then you do.  Have you ever noticed that in life, when you make a commitment, somehow in someway the fulfillment for that commitment seems to just happen.  
When I was a young parent, I needed a reliable car.  Car wasn’t in the budget that month, but we needed that car.  I made the commitment.  I don’t remember ever not making that payment easily.  Somehow, in someway, the fulfillment for that commitment seemed to happen.
It will happen the same way with bringing up the courage to persevere.  If you determine that, by gosh, you will persevere in doing the absolute best job you can to be their mom or dad, the courage that it takes in the moment (that’d be the moment when you’re exhausted and they need a ride downtown,) you will bring up the courage to set yourself aside and provide what they need from you.  
And you will do it over and over again throughout your divorce.  You’ll forget those moments until you see them walk down that aisle in their gown and mortar board and you’ll be one proud, successful divorced parent. You’ll forget about all the overwhelm.  Oh they’ll have told you “Dad, puhle-e-eze don’t cry at my graduation” and you’ll try.  You’ll really try.  Only you will know of all the times when you set yourself aside to care for them, of all those hundreds of details you handled to be a good parent, and you won’t be able to help those escaping tears.  They’re tears of joy.  I know.
 

Len :: Aug.07.2008 :: Caring for your Children :: No Comments »